09/06/26 Blind Spots: Gossip

1:36 Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ. Would you like to have a seat? So I don't know if you can remember the first time you ever heard a recording of your own voice. If this is one of the situations where I'm like, okay, hard dislike. like, a heartless, like, on that. I just do, it was a shock, the shock of, like, wait a second, that's what I sound like to other people? I do not like the sound of my own voice. And similar to, you know, videos. I remember that sense of, like, here's a video of me. I'm like, wait, that's how I stand? Like, this is the, I didn't see that angle ever before. I remember my little brother at one point, we were at the Mount of Beatitudes in Israel. We had a pilgrimage together. And he took this video of me walking by the Mount of Beatitudes. and I swear it was like footage of watching Bigfoot. I'm like, that's how I walk? Like, oh my goodness, that's so embarrassing. That's what other people can see.

2:28 And I realized there are parts of yourself that you've never seen. Like, think about that. There are things about you that's you. Parts of yourself you've never seen. Just even think of your face. Yes, we've seen our face in the mirror. We've seen our face in photographs. We've seen our face in videos, maybe our FaceTime. But you have never seen your own face the way other people see it.

2:54 The truth is, in some ways, you've never seen yourself, like you've never seen yourself look away from a mirror. You've never seen yourself fall asleep. You've never seen yourself sneeze. You've never seen the exact angle of the back of your head that if you were in church right now, people would be looking right at right now in this moment. And I think it's so funny because as people, we can be so preoccupied by our own appearance, right? We can be so preoccupied by what we can see and even it can ruin our day sometimes. We see ourselves in the mirror like, oh my gosh, my ears, my nose, my face, whatever the thing is, and realize that's only one angle of you. There's many other angles that you could be disappointed in. That's not the call, obviously. The reality, of course, is there are things about us that are obvious to everyone. but they are invisible to me.

3:51 The things about all of us that are obvious to everyone around us, but they're invisible to us. Those are our blind spots. It's there, I just don't see what's already there. So what we're going to do is starting today, starting this Labor Day weekend, we're starting a new series. For the next number of weeks, actually, we are going to dive deeply into this, this reality that every one of us has blind spots. In fact, I've been captivated by this reality for, I mean, probably a couple of decades. Number of years ago, almost 20 years ago, I came across a sermon by a guy named John Henry Cardinal Newman. It was called On Secret Faults or On Secret Sins, based off Psalm 19, where it says, from hidden faults, equip me, O God. Basically, Newman pointed out that there are so many things in our lives that we are, everyone else can see. They're obvious to everyone else, but they are blind spots to us. They're hidden faults to us. That there are some things in our spiritual lives that are obvious.

4:44 And also there's some things in our spiritual lives that we dislike. There's some things in our spiritual lives we can see and we're ashamed of. But the blind spots are those invisible vices. The blind spots are those like acceptable sins. You know, we even say something like, well, I'm not angry, I'm just passionate. Or, no, I'm not entitled, I just know what I deserve. Or we say things like, I'm not worried, I'm just responsible, I just care. or I'm not indifferent to God. I don't ignore God. I'm just busy.

5:17 And the sins that we repent of are the ones that we can see, but the dangerous ones are the sins that I've renamed. And so this reality, of course, is that those become our blind spots. There are sins that we hide, the ones that we're ashamed of, but there's also those sins that they hide themselves.

5:37 And we might even call them acceptable sins because we're not afraid to talk about them. We're not afraid to even confess them because we're not ashamed of them because we just think they're small, but they're not small. They're sins for which we've developed socially acceptable excuses. These blind spots in our lives. And I think it's fascinating. Whenever we talk about sin, let's go talk about sin for just one second. Whenever we talk about sin, because we're gonna talk about sin for the next six weeks, we talk about sin, a lot of people will have this objection. They'll say things like, well, how can that be a sin? It doesn't hurt anybody. First, two things about that. Number one, hurting someone has never been a criterion for something to be a sin. Just keep that in mind. Even the word sin is an archery term. It means to miss the mark. So if there's a target for life, if there's a target for our spiritual lives, a target for our character, that's the bullseye.

6:33 To sin is to not hit the target. To sin is to miss the mark, to not hit that goal, to not be that person we're called to be. That's first. I actually, I would even say this. There's a better definition of sin. It's not really a definition. It's something I kind of formulated. And because sin, to miss the mark means like, it seems like I made an error. It seems like it just didn't do well. We have to realize that as Christians, sin is relational.

6:58 As Christians, sin is personal. It's not just missing the mark. It's not just breaking a rule, not just hurting somebody. Sin is when I say to God, God, I know what you want. I don't care. I want what I want. It's personal. It's relational. That's the first thing. Sin never has to hurt someone to be a sin. But the second part about this is that our blind spots, our blind spots are those invisible vices, those acceptable sins. They often do more to damage not only our souls, but also our relationships with God, with others. And that's why we have to look at these. So here's the first one today. The first one today actually starts with the gospel. Here's Jesus. And what does he say? He says, okay, basically, if you're going to be my disciple, if your brother sins against you, go and... Go and... Go and what? If your brother sins against you, go and what?

7:51 Question, what do we do? Jesus says, go and tell him his sin or his fault between you and him alone. So what do we do? I think we go and I think we tell, but I think we go and tell everyone except for the person who's involved. and then this first blind spot we have to look at this weekend is something that every one of us has been hurt by. That's the crazy thing about it. It's something that every one of us hates when we see it in others, but we are willing to compromise when it's ourselves. We say things like, well, I'm just processing.

8:29 The term is gossip. Say, no, I'm just processing, which apparently means I need to tell three people what they did so I can figure out how I feel about her. Like I actually can't, I can't, I don't actually know my feelings until four people get involved and I get to share with them that, no, it's not processing, it's just gossip. We say, no, it's not gossip, it's just, I'm just concerned. I'm concerned. Being concerned is what? Being concerned is gossip with a halo on. Basically, being concerned is this, is that sense of like, oh, have you heard about this person? I'm so concerned. You know, it's incredible how much information is required for our concern that we realize, if we realize that Talking badly about someone is just repackaged as, this is just information. It's not gossip. I'm just telling the truth. It's not gossip. I'm just telling the truth, which is interesting because there's two kinds of gossip. You have calumny, which is false, a falsehood about someone.

9:25 You have detraction, which is a negative truth about somebody. And so, no, it's not gossip. I'm just telling the truth. Well, you're right. It's not calumny. Congratulations. It's attraction. But true doesn't mean mind to tell. Thank you. it's not gossip. I'm just, I just, I'm just praying for them. I don't know if you've ever had those in church where they open up, you know, prayers of the faithful to anybody. For what else shall we pray? And someone's like, you know, well, pray for Suzanne and Bill because Suzanne, she found photos on Bill's phone that you don't want to hear about. Like that's an announcement prayer. Like all of those things are ways we've repackaged this deadly thing called gossip. It's called gossip. And I don't think, I don't think it's overstating it to claim that gossip is one sin that has done more to devastate more lives, to destroy more relations, more friendships, to corrode more parishes, more communities, more campus ministries than virtually any other sin.

10:23 Because gossip is a poison. It poisons the culture, poisons the culture. And when gossip is tolerated, it's one of those situations where it gives a signal, It gives a signal to everybody. Like, oh, oh, this is here. You guys, I guess that's gossip is part of this friend group. I guess gossip is part of this that's tolerated in this family. I guess gossip is tolerated in this campus ministry. Gossip is tolerated in this congregation. Gossip is tolerated in this community. And this is the crazy thing. Gossip is the one sin where we can destroy someone's reputation and it feels like we haven't done anything. I was just talking you can even ask the question are you supposed to say nothing? like father are you supposed to do nothing? are you supposed to pretend that nothing is wrong? well no look at the gospel again the gospel in the gospel Jesus says if you have a problem do something do what?

11:21 say something to the person alone in private he doesn't say if that doesn't help stop he says if that doesn't help, bring along one or two other people. So you can, he doesn't say go immediately to the nuclear option, right? Where everyone has to know. Jesus says, go back to them. it's not that this whatever the thing is can't become public but the question is what are you doing what are we doing with our words the scripture talks a lot about what we do with our words Ephesians chapter 4 says this he says no foul language should should come out of your mouth says but only say the things that people need to hear things that will really actually help them St. James, this is good for us, those of us who show up for church and stuff. We think we're faithful.

12:14 We think we're religious. We think we have this relationship with God. James chapter one, he says this. He says, if anyone thinks he's religious, but doesn't bridle his tongue, his religion is useless. no matter what you do in this church, if you don't bridle your tongue, if you gossip, what you do in this church is useless. His religion is vain, he says. So we know that. Okay, that's great. So why do we do it? I think that's a great question. Why do we do it? I think, well, one is, usually gossip is interesting. I mean, let's be honest. If you have a piece of gossip, you have a piece of information, for a little bit, at least you get some attention. For a little bit, at least you get to be important. Another reason why we gossip is for, the scientists say it's called social cohesion. In fact, there was an ethnolinguist, his name is Philip Riley, he said this, he said, gossip is the most important social channel for reaffirmation of shared values. It does something. You share this gossip and yeah, people are inside, people are outside, but that's the part of it, is that it makes us feel connection.

13:22 That's why we gossip. That's why we listen to gossip, because we feel connected. It's one of those, it makes sin feel like intimacy. we gossip because we want to be included. And the quickest way to make an us is to talk about them.

13:45 I mean, just think about how many times, even growing up, maybe junior high, maybe high school, maybe college, at some point in your life, you just don't want to be left out. I mean, how many times did you go to the thing you didn't want to go to just because you knew that there would be people there that if you weren't there, you would be excluded. That's one of the reasons why a woman named Mel Robbins, she said this, she said, about gossip, she said, if they're doing it with you, they are definitely doing it about you. that's some of the reasons why we gossip another another reason we gossip is we just sit there and think well i need to let someone in right like i need to let someone know what's going on in my life like what i'm going through and that's not a bad thing it's not a bad thing to do but we have to ask at least three questions what i need to let someone in what i need to to we call it venting when i need to get this out we need to ask three questions number one is am i simply just recruiting them to my team like when it comes to this i just need to say this thing that's really hard about someone else, am I just recruiting them to my team? Am I just trying to get them on my side?

14:45 Am I just trying to say like, yes, I've been unjustly hurt and just, I want you to agree with me. Second thing we have to ask is whatever I'm sharing, is this mine? If I'm dealing my stuff, yeah, I need to process what I'm going through. I need to process my emotions. That's fine. That's okay. But the story I'm sharing, is this my story? Or even is this my story to share? Or is this someone else's story and it's not my story to share. And the third question we get to ask is, is this even relevant? I heard this as one of my favorite definitions of gossip. It's this, gossip is speaking of someone's faults or someone's flaws with no intention of helping them at all. Gossip is speaking of someone else's flaws or someone else's faults with absolutely no intention of helping them at all. But if it does have the intention of helping someone else or helping yourself, then there's no gossip. I remember talking to a man, he was at one point, it was his first experience of leading a team. He was like a co-manager with a bunch of other managers. And at one point he said, he found himself talking with one of the other managers about one of their employees and one of their, you know, people, subordinates. And he said, we had to kind of talk about this guy and it was some negative stuff, you know, just that he was bringing to work and he wasn't performing the way he wanted him to perform. And he said, I felt so badly because I felt like I'm gossiping about that guy. The reality of course, is if he's simply talking about his performance. That was his job. His job was to evaluate this person's performance and give him feedback to help him grow. If they started talking about his private life in a way that had nothing to do with his work, then that would be gossip. His gossip is what? Speaking of someone's faults or their flaws with no intention of helping them at all. And it is so devastating.

16:31 Okay, here's the last little passage from scripture. It's from Proverbs chapter 16. uh sorry proverbs chapter 6 now you're not often going to find a verse in the bible that says what god hates there are some in the bible it says god hates these things but proverbs chapter 6 16 through 19 gives seven things that god hates first couple he says god hates haughty eyes a lying tongue hands that shed innocent blood but the final thing that proverbs 6 says that god hates is one who sows discord among his brothers and sisters. God hates gossip because it's so deadly.

17:15 Because when you think about this, even an apology doesn't undo gossip. There's a story about St. Philip Neary years ago who at some point, St. Philip Neary was trying to express the devastation, devastating quality of gossip. And someone had come to him and said, you know, Father, what do I do about gossip? I apologize already and it seems like they're not really forgiving me. and St. Philip Nere said this, he said, okay, go home, get a feather pillow and take that feather pillow and go to a high hill outside of town. And on top of that high hill, open the pillow and shake out all of the feathers and let the wind blow them all away. Come down the mountain, wait for a bit and go back up and collect every one of those feathers.

18:01 When you can collect every one of those feathers, then the gospel will be undone. But if you can't, there will never be a time when what you've uttered, when what you've said, when what you've done can be undone. apologies obviously apologies matter but they cannot undo the damage so here's the question what do we do what do we do with this there's a man named Jefferson Fisher Jefferson Fisher I really like Jefferson Fisher he is a lawyer down south he has a kind of a slow kind of fun way to talk and that I don't share necessarily um he's a lawyer and at one point he said he was uh getting done with his work and before he drove home sitting in his car and He brought his phone and he started, he just recorded a quick little 30, 60 second message about communication. He's very good communicator.

18:52 Just here's some principles for communication. Posted it on TikTok and Instagram and whatnot. And it just blew up. I mean, he's fantastic. He has a book and he's talking about, he said, here's three ways to stop gossip. I want to share those with you. But before I share Jefferson Fisher's three ways of stopping gossip, the reality of course is those are just tools. And we will not be able to use those tools unless we have three aspects of our character. Because we can get tools every day. But unless we're willing to have a character change, those tools won't help. The first thing we need in our character is we need conviction. We actually need to realize that gossip is deadly. And I just need to be able to let go of excuses. And the fact that I oftentimes tolerate gossip in my life. I tolerate that as a blind spot.

19:45 And sometimes it's, well, it's not about, I'm not talking about people. I'm talking about like the company. I'm not talking about people. I'm talking about the church. I'm not talking about people. I'm talking about the leadership. And this is Dave Ramsey, big fan of Dave Ramsey. At one point, Dave was talking about this. In fact, he said in his company, Ramsey Solutions, he says, we do not tolerate gossip as a culture for our company. And he said this, he defined gossip like this. He said, it's when a negative is discussed with everyone, sorry, when a negative is discussed with anyone who can't solve the problem, that's gossip. it doesn't have to be just about so-and-so or that person this person it could be about they gotta really i think the sales strategy is all bad he's dave says you get one you get one strike you can gossip once get one warning after that you're fired he says in our in our company's culture we don't tolerate gossip he says in a company though of course like any any situation any family any congregation any campus ministry you're gonna have problems you have to address those problems. But gossip is when a negative is discussed with anyone who can't solve the problem.

20:47 He said, the way you solve the problem is you feed it up the food chain. You address it. We have to have that conviction that gossip has no place in my life. Not a gossip about a person, gossip about a company, gossip about a congregation. I have to have that conviction. Second thing I need is I need courage. And every one of us knows this because every one of us has been in a place where someone's gossiping and we didn't know what to do, or we didn't know what to do, but we were afraid to do it. Because we know this. The truth is, even if I've chosen not to play, that doesn't mean they're going to stop. So I have to be willing to not only be convicted that this doesn't belong in my life, but also I have to have the courage that I may not play and they'll keep on going.

21:31 And the third thing I need in my heart, the third character I need is I need love. St. Paul's letter to the Romans today. Romans chapter 13, he says, owe nothing to anyone except to love one another. And we realized love can be difficult. That love wills the good. And if I love someone, it means sometimes I may not, may not be able to speak. And if I love someone, it may mean sometimes I have to say the hard thing.

22:00 And it's vastly harder when I have a problem with a brother or a sister to go to them directly in private and address it than it is to go to everyone else. What does Jesus say about this? He says, if he listens to you, you've won your brother. The goal is to win, not win an argument. The goal is to win your brother. So I need these three things. I need conviction, I need courage, and I need love. And then Jefferson Fisher says this, because if someone around you is, here's this one's for free. If someone around you is gossiping, here's three things you could say. Number one, he says, you just say, you know, I don't have an opinion on that. Someone's going on and on about, did you hear about so-and-so? They're doing this. You know, I don't have an opinion on it. He even said that, I love how he said this. He said, if they keep going and keep going, just say their name. Hey, Mike, you know, I gotta say, I don't have an opinion on that.

22:54 And you don't have to have an opinion on something. I remember years ago when OJ Simpson was on trial, maybe I've used this example before, when OJ Simpson's on trial and people were saying, What do you think? Was he guilty or not? I'm like, I don't know. I have not followed the court case. I've seen headlines. I have no idea. I have no opinion on that. It's a way to shut down the conversation. I'm not going to play. Second thing he says, you can do this. You can say, someone's going on and on. I'm like, have you, oh my gosh, have you heard about faith? Like, I don't know. There's something going on with her and her boyfriend. I don't know what to do. Just say this. Say, well, do you want to talk to him about it? Should we call him? He said that almost always just deflates the situation, that sense of like, no, I don't wanna resolve the issue. I wanna talk about them. I don't wanna talk to them. I don't wanna solve the problem. I just wanna spread the rumor. And it reminds me of something that Tom Holland, you know, Spider-Man once said. Tom Holland once said this.

23:46 He said, if you have a problem with me, text me. And if you don't have my number to text me, then you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me. if someone's gossiping, you know what? Do you want to talk to him about it? And the third thing he said is this. He said, when someone's gossiping, saying, you know, I'm processing this, like, I don't know, have you heard about Mitch? He's doing all these things. Just say, huh, that doesn't sound right.

24:12 Because that sense of like, you know, I know Mitch. And that doesn't sound like him. He says, just watch how quickly, how quickly the conversation comes to a close because it's just a kind, polite, but courageous way of saying, I'm not playing. Just like, you know what? I don't have an opinion on that. Hey, should we call him? Want me to talk to him about it? Or just, hmm, I didn't sound right. All of those are ways that we can actually live love. And this is the last thing. Again, for the next six weeks, we're gonna be looking at these blind spots. And there's gonna be these acceptable sins that we just tolerate in our lives.

24:54 but if we're going to actually be like Jesus and live like Jesus, we need to have those three characters in our heart. We need to have conviction that I know this. I'm willing, I get the behavior that I'm willing to tolerate. I'm not going to tolerate this in me or anyone else. I have to have courage to either not say or to say the thing, only those things that build up people around me, things they need to hear, things that will really help them. More than anything else, I need love. I need enough love for the person in front of me or enough love for the person who's not in the room right now to do the hard thing. That's what these next six weeks are about. About becoming more like Jesus by opening our eyes.