Sabbath at Passion City Church | September 6

1:32 So enjoy this message with me. I'm kind of into reframing, redefining, rethinking about everything in our lives. I think we're called to do that as believers is let's look at this just a little differently. And I have decided to reframe all of the overwhelm in my life in this season, maybe in yours too, as abundance, that actually the overwhelming feelings are actually the abundance. How many of the things that we prayed for are the realities that are hard in our life right now? It's redefining to say, oh wait, yes, this is in fact overwhelming, but this is the answer to my prayers. And there's gratitude in that. So let's start from that place of kind of rethinking about a lot of things in our lives. I know it's easy for me to say, like, life is crazy because I'm back to school and travel and book releases and coffee shops, and it's kind of gag, I recognize.

2:38 Like, that's all kind of sickening. But I have actually also been through some really dark, hard stuff. So I know that overwhelm in life doesn't always look like fun, cutie, happy moments. Overwhelm can also look like very intense tragedy and suffering and loss. And perhaps that's you today. Perhaps that's you that's walking through a lot more than a busy season in life. Overwhelm can look like deep traumatic loss and hardship and the phone call you never wanted to receive. And the life you don't know if you're going to be able to show up for honestly. And, you know, I think there's a spectrum, isn't there, in life of hard things. There is a spectrum. It's not one note. And you can be purely overwhelmed that your kids are back to school and it's nuts. Or you can be at the hospital where you're going to have to marry your mother in a week.

3:40 And there's a spectrum. And it's all hard. and it's important to recognize that we're all in different places. But what's interesting, I believe, is that even though we've all got all these unknowns and all the feelings of the stories that we never imagined living for 10,000 reasons, but I think we're all kind of in the dark in those moments, all underwater in many ways. And in the dark, I think we play the what if game, don't we? Do you know this? The metaverse of sliding doors of what if, and this loop we're on, of what if, what if, what if this would have happened or that would have happened? Or what if I would have done this differently? Or what if I would have married this guy or had this kid?

4:35 Or what if I would have caught this early? or what if, what if, what if, we're on this like terrible loop of all the what ifs. And they create such anxiety and shame and blame. Well, I potentially have a quite pinnacle what if story in my life. When I was 19 years old in college, I was getting just weird dizziness and headaches and just couldn't shake these like yucky feelings. And I went to the doctor. And without even making eye contact, literally listened for like 10 seconds, slides over a prescription for meclizine. I still remember the medication meclizine and diagnoses me with vertigo and sends me on my merry way. And seven years later, when I have a massive AVM rupture, will know that all the neurological slight oddities through my whole life were not vertigo.

5:39 They were something much more significant, a neurological vascular disorder that would rupture. But in that moment, had that doctor ordered an MRI, they would have seen the AVM, the mass on my brain. So what if, well, what if that would have happened? Then there's a whole new series of loops of would I have operated? What if I knew? Would I have had elective surgery? Would I have married my husband? Would I have had my son? What if? And this loop they were on is horrifying. It's paralyzing. It's terrorizing. And I keep thinking, what if? Maybe I'm asking the wrong question. Maybe the question is, what if God spared me from a perfect life? pretty powerful what if God chose me for this what if I'm asking the wrong question what if the question isn't did you hear that what if what if the question isn't what if this would have happened or wouldn't have what if the question is what if this is it what if this is exactly the life God wanted for me to live?

7:03 What if this is exactly as it's supposed to be? I think we all have the opportunity to redefine the what ifs in our story. I had a largely pain-free life before my stroke in the way I misunderstood as a blessed life. Andy Crouch wrote a beautiful book I read recently, and he talks about the bubble wrap of affluence and access. And I think that was me. I had the bubble wrap and the trappings that kept me largely safe in a pain-free bubble until the stroke. And then once that was ripped away, it opened a whole new set of thinking and questions and complicated living. and at the bottom of all of it was Jesus under it all, securing when everything's ripped away and that's very powerful.

8:04 Now when I say that I misunderstood a charmed life as a blessed life, let me explain for a moment. Poor in spirit, the meek, those who mourn are what so clearly many of you I'm sure know with what the Beatitudes said, is the blessed life. And yet, we wonder, how could that possibly be true when the good life is the blessed life? Getting the goodies, that's blessed, all the good, the good health, right? The wealth, like that surely is how I think about good and blessed, right? But so clearly in the Bible, it's very, very different than that. Many theologians agree that the phrase poor in spirit actually means those for whom the world was not made. Those for whom the systems of the world do not work.

8:58 I would not have ever remotely understood that until I became a person for whom the systems of the world no longer work. And now I resonate so deeply with that thought. I would have never understood that and now I do. I think that what if loop can be so terrorizing and paralyzing in all of our stories. But guys, don't miss this. Shall I stand up to say it? Listen, you got this massive loop, right? The what if loop in all of our stories. So we're on this loop. How are we supposed to get off of the what if loop? There's an escape hatch. The escape hatch from the what if loop is hope. because hope gives us permission to live the actual life right in front of us. So we're going around and around and around, but I'm off.

9:54 I'm off now. I'm done because I've got hope so I can live into the story that God is actually writing in my actual life. It is so powerful. Yeah, glory to God. Yeah, it's the escape path. We get to trade anxious what if. for anticipatory what-ifs? What if this is actually the life I would have chosen? What if this is all part of something bigger and not an accident? What if this is the life I was meant to live? Ultimately, I think what we are called to do is move from what-if to a different question. What is? What if to what is right here in front of our nose? This is it.

10:49 I think we are called to develop a tunnel-like vision. Here it is right in front of me. Psalm 16, 6 is through the boundary lines. There's a little bubble happening here. It's pleasant. Landed in a pleasant place. I got eyes for this life right here. I love the beauty of Isaiah 45, 3. It's a passage. If you have heard me talk before somewhere or read anything I've written, you've now not heard me talk about it. This book is named for it. Isaiah 45.3 is just such a deep comfort. I'm going to read the first half of it right now and the second part later. Isaiah 45.3 says, and God says, I will give you hidden treasure in the darkness, riches stored in secret places. It's glorious.

11:40 I'll get to the rest at the end. But that is said to God's people living in exile and captivity and horrific oppression. Guys, sometimes certain treasures are only available in the darkness. And sometimes you couldn't see the treasure in front of you in that light. In the light of day when things are going great, we miss so much, don't we? We do not have eyes to see the goodness of God in the land of the living all around us.

12:15 If you've got, okay, so I love Isaiah 45-3 because I feel like what it is saying so clearly is like, don't miss it. Don't miss the treasure. If you are in the dark, if you have had to go into the horrific darkness, learn the right lessons. Don't miss it. grab hold of it, cling to it, let it inform the way you live the rest of your life. And I just, I feel that charge, like I don't want to waste this. I don't want to waste the pain. I believe that true darkness can be sacred. And I'm going to share just a few of my treasures with you right now. This book is essentially a collection of vignettes from my life. that I like to call the treasure.

13:09 And they're essentially in three categories, hurting, healing, and hoping. And basically, they're looking with laser focus at areas of my life and redefining it. And so here's my challenge to you all today. I ask a question at the end of every little chapter that I'm going to put my hands on my hips to make a memory to all of you. Wake up if you're asleep. This is very important. Listen, if it is true for me, if it is true for Catherine Wolfe, could it be true for you in your story and your specifics? Here's the thing. I am no superhero. I am no saint. I'm not really that special. Mom, if you're watching, yes, I am. But I'm not special.

14:03 But I've got a special story. of God showing up. And the thing is, you do too. You have a same story of God meeting you in your deep pain. If you have eyes to see it that way, you are me. I am no different. I am no superhero. I'm just believing for the goodness of God in this broken story. And the same is true for every single one of you. So once again, I challenge you, don't miss it. Don't waste what God is so clearly doing. So in short, I had this massive stroke. I had an AVM rupture, an arterial venous malformation rupture. And I spent the first 40 days in ICU on life support and then moved to a different part of the hospital where I would wake up from a coma-like state I was in. And I could not communicate when I was initially post-stroke. I had to relearn to speak. And I had so many just burning questions in my head and my heart, and it was so complicated. And I so desperately wanted to communicate with my friends and family, but I couldn't say a word. And eventually the speech pathologist gave me a communication device called a letter board. So I would type letters on the board and the board, the robot would speak the letter and my family could spell the words. As you can see, my baby James thought it was a really fun toy. So I would obsessively type so many things on that letter board and it was like unbelievable that I could finally communicate.

15:48 And I would say over and over and over, I'm the same on the inside. I'm the same on the inside. Because I so desperately wanted my family and friends to know that nothing had changed, even though I couldn't communicate. My faith, my personality, my memories are all entirely intact. It's just all inside of me. And I very much understand why I say that. I used those words 100%. Of course I did. Everything was bottled up inside of me. And yet, I would never say that today. Because I'm not. I'm not the same on the inside.

16:37 And that's a good thing. Suffering has changed me. Suffering makes us into new people. Suffering births you anew. Suffering is a game changer. Jesus, in our suffering, makes a new creation.

16:59 I love the book Walking in the Dark. I think it's called Walking in the Dark by Barbara Brown Taylor. And she writes that new life always starts in the dark. Whether it's a seed in the ground, a baby in the womb, or Jesus in the tomb. It always starts in the dark. That has just been such a comfort to me that I'm a new creation. You know, you may have noticed my body's not entirely restored. This is much, much better than it was after the stroke, but I still use a wheelchair. I have a hand that doesn't work. My face is paralyzed. I'm deaf in one ear. I'm nearly blind in one eye. I have a number of just pretty significant health challenges. I'm a person living with disabilities now.

17:52 And yet, I'm a new creation. Like, did I get the miracle or did I not? Well, if you saw me in the grocery store, you might not think I got the miracle. And yet, I got the miracle. The fact that I'm here is the miracle. Glory to God. Last year, we celebrated 15 years post-stroke. And every year, we have a celebration called Catherine Lived Day. We had a big party last year. Two years ago now, actually. 16 years. Well, a year and a half ago. And coming up to the 15-year mark, I started asking my counselor. Like, it's weird. It's like that anniversary doesn't have the power it used to. I just don't feel so undone by that day.

18:48 April 21st normally makes me not want to get out of bed. Like, I hate April 21st prior me. And it just was kind of like coming and not that big of a deal. And I'm like, what's happening? Is it just the passage of time has taken the sting away? And she, as she wisely does, suggested, could it be that you love who you've become? and oh it just hit me like a ton of bricks i was like yes that's it my whole life i've walked with jesus since i accepted christ as a four-year-old and i have always understood you don't love yourself you don't love you because a good christian girl shouldn't do that she should love herself. That's so selfish. Wrong. I am loving what Jesus is in me. I am an image wearer. I am his workmanship. What on earth? Of course, I love who I am becoming because I'm becoming more like him. What on earth? So it really dramatically reframed everything for me.

20:08 I'm reminded of the deep truth of Romans 12 to do not conform to the pattern of this world. but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Suffering does change us. Suffering changed me, and I couldn't conform anymore. Didn't have that opportunity to conform. And yet, I didn't want to. My mind is different, because I've watched and witnessed Jesus meet me in my suffering, and transformed me. So 15 years later, now 16 and a half, I can love who I've become. So the treasure takeaway for you, which the treasure takeaways are at the end of these chapters, and this treasure takeaway is simply this. My suffering can feel a little more bearable when I love who I've become because of it.

21:09 okay next treasure takeaway number two i in college starting at sanford university in birmingham and then after college in atlanta was doing a little bit of commercial print modeling which you have never heard of this but essentially i was doing modeling but like not what you're thinking, do I look like a fashion model? Please. I love food. So no, I was modeling for like Target ads and Disney catalogs and commercials and things. And eventually I got an agent in Los Angeles. And that picture was my first headshot in Los Angeles of me doing like weird little sweet wholesome commercials and things. And it's funny because it was never my calling. I was never like going to be a commercial print model with my life, please. But it paid the bills while my husband was in law school and it was a nice little career. And I was in Los Angeles. He was in law school there. And so it just kind of worked. But then I had a massive stroke and my face became paralyzed and I was in a wheelchair. Obviously that line of work is over. I'm not going to be continuing to be a commercial model. Like, done. Oh, well. Cool. Well, it lasted. So, post-stroke, probably four years after the stroke, I started volunteering to speak at Go Red Luncheons, which are the American Stroke Association luncheons that, like, inform people about how young women have strokes or something. And I started volunteering at some of these, and kind And one thing led to another.

22:54 And I was speaking like a lot for these things. And I loved it. It was great. And the head of marketing for the American Stroke Association called me and said, Would you consider becoming the face of the American Stroke Association? And I'm like, Hmm, well, I'm not sure. She said, We're doing a new campaign called the FAST campaign, F-A-S-T. and we would like for your face to be the F of that campaign. And it will be this sum of money, which was large, and not very large, but decent. I mean, decent. And basically, we'll use it, you know, here and there. This little campaign. Turns out this is one of the largest campaigns in Ad Council history. It's on Times Square in New York. It's on the sides of buses.

23:46 To this day, 13 years later, it is literally in doctor's offices all over America. I mean, this thing is everywhere. It's so crazy. And I hope you're getting the, like, bizarre, intense, upside-down kingdom thing here. Like, my very most successful modeling gig was after my face materialized. Dude, are you hearing the irony? Like, it's just unbelievable. Like, only in the upside-down kingdom of God can you believe this kind of thing is real. So here's where it's about to get really, really nuts. Well, first, Isaiah 43, 19 says, See, I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

24:41 So here, as if that is not like nuts enough, I know you are shook. I am telling the story. I wrote about it in here and I'll read it and I'll be like, how can this be true? How did that happen? It is so nuts. So here it gets really insane. So in the meantime of this all going down, I also am speaking a lot to churches and have just like a sweet tribe of people, particularly within the disability community, but also able-bodied women, Christian women largely, who are really tracking with me. So at three different speaking events where I'm signing books afterwards, women have come up to me in all random places in the U.S. like Wisconsin and said, I had followed you for years. I read your first book, Hope Heals. I then saw your face on the billboard in rural Wisconsin.

25:41 Weeks later, my face started drooping. I went to the hospital because I remembered that was a warning sign of a stroke. I attribute you to saving my life. I'm like, I'm so sorry. Could you say that again? Like a modeling job post-stroke somehow meant it's safe. I mean, it's not real. Like I made this up, right? Y'all, I promise it is true. It's all true. How insane is that story? So here's the treasure takeaway for you all. God can use my deepest wounds to bring healing to the world. Number three, and where are the boys? Where are James and John Buff? Raise your hand. You over here. Hey, with the gigglios. Hey, guys. This one's for y'all.

26:34 So tragically, in 2020, the cherry on top of 2020, November, and many of you sweet people in this room know this all too well. I tore the unholy trinity, I call it. The meniscus, ACL, and MCL. So tore them all, which meant a surgery to put on a prosthetic and months of no walking back full time in a wheelchair. And my sweet husband, Jay, ordered off Amazon a bedside toilet. But when it came, it was like an Ikea bedside toilet. So you had to assemble the whole thing, put it all together. so I'm sure I was making sweet Jay do something else for me so he enlists the boys to assemble the bedside toilet so now I know I've done it I've done it this is the moment that I ruined them this is it this is the moment they will be telling their counselor about when they're in their 40s This is the moment beyond a shadow of a doubt.

27:49 It's done. They're traumatized. I've ruined them. And what I did not consider was a bedside toilet assembly is like the ultimate Lego build of all time. These guys are obsessed with Legos. This was like the most fun thing, put together a mama's bedside toilet. Plus a 13-year-old at the time. And how old would you have been? Five. 13 to five. What could be funnier than having to put mama's bedside toilet together? So it was like extremely hilarious. A Lego build. And I don't know how many of you are aware that in the modern world, we are not giving our children an opportunity to fail, to finish what they start to be mature and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you read Conflict of the American Mind, it's a problem.

28:47 So what we did was we let them figure it out. Put that thing together. It's complicated. You can do this. You are going to complete this Lego bill. Go, boys. And they did. They completed it. They finished that task with their mama. Thank you, guys. so I'm reminded of the truth of James 1 for let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything and that's it you know the treasure takeaway for this one is one of my favorites. And this is for all of you parents and siblings and children who feel like you're a burden. on the people.

29:44 I can't look at you. For all of us that feel like we're a burden on the people that love us, that, you know, that us being here is hurting their lives, that we're taking up space that we shouldn't be taking up. Well, here's the thing. The Lord released me a long time ago from that because if you were not supposed to be here, even if you need care your entire life, you would not be here. Let me say that again. If you were not supposed to be here, you would not be here. If there is breath in your lungs today, you are supposed to be here. That means you are worthy of care by the people who love you your whole life. Your whole life.

30:36 I know some of you probably like me have dealt with a lot of guilt and shame that I don't want my sweet husband to spend his life caring for his wife, my kids. But I've seen too much to know that it is not the most beautiful thing in the world. We have a camp for families with disabilities where you all should come. We'll volunteer or if you're disabled, you come for free. Please apply, hopeyellscamp.org. and I've seen so many families where there's a typical sibling or a typical child or typical parent and then a disabled person and y'all it's glorious the typical people in those scenarios are learning so much about life and service and loving and compassion and real empathy things I could never teach that my kids are getting so the treasure takeaway on this one is that I can see my suffering as a curse on the people I love or as an inheritance of breathtaking value.

31:41 Okay, last one. Oh, good. I still got two minutes. I'm going to make it. Okay, so as you may have heard reference to, I have some ongoing brain issues. I had the AVM, got cured. That was a really bad stroke. Then I subsequently, five years later, they discovered a brain aneurysm, and I had to have it coiled in a major surgery. Then in 2017, which we have a picture of that hospital stay, I think, I was hospitalized for a series of arterial venous dissections. That's another thing that could cause a stroke. And supposedly those were all separate. Those were all like extremely not connected individual deals. And once we moved to Atlanta, I started seeing a specialist at Emory and ended up doing extensive, extensive testing with their geneticists.

32:44 And they discovered that it is all connected, which of course it is, you know. But they didn't think it was. But yes, it's all the brain issues are connected. And with literally the worst bedside manner you could imagine, with like the care of like, I don't even know, a monster. This guy comes in the room and literally says, Mrs. Wolfe, your brain is very messed up.

33:20 And I'm like, your brain is very messed up. I know, I know, I didn't say that. I thought it, but I didn't say that. Um, anyway, he proceeds to tell me that I have an ongoing neurological vascular condition that is so rare. It's unnamed. It's pretty much unsurvivable, so there's very few living cases on earth of this condition. And they essentially are going to monitor my care. They don't know. They don't have any protocols, nothing. I just have some ongoing neurological issues, which I'm reminded of this moment. When I got this news, I remember leaving a sobbing voicemail in the KPS machine. Like, you're not going to believe this is the worst thing in the world.

34:12 And I just, I come to y'all. So thank you for letting me kind of lose it here and there and stop putting me on the stage you later to talk about it. Kind of beautiful full circle. Actually, every one of these stories is like that. I don't know if y'all caught that. They are like almost all like Atlanta, all my wonderful people stories. They didn't all start there, but they're here. I mean, the tearing of my ACL. Shelly Giglio was at my house leaving me a fig plant like the day after. I mean, y'all are all over the story. This house is the story. It's very beautiful. Okay, so the end of this. is really important. So I don't want you to miss this. Basically, I have all these ongoing brain issues. And I thought, surely, Lord, I've hit the quota. Like I've had all these brain issues.

35:11 So nothing else could ever happen to me. I am headed to the beach for life. Like there's absolutely no way this is going to be ongoing. Please. Yeah, right. I'm on the other side. and I've had to wake up to the reality that this side of heaven, there is no other side. That while I am on earth, there will be suffering and pain and it will continue in a cycle until heaven. So now I see this world that we are in as not something I'm going to get to on earth. I'm gonna get one day to heaven, But down here, there will be continual hardship and suffering. You may know that that's a reality in your head, but do you know in your heart that it's going to be this way down here? So much so that I've recognized that we are in this cycle of hurt, this side of heaven.

36:09 We are cycling into the hard hurt of life. But you know what? I think every time we cycle through the hurt and suffering, we have the opportunity to be built different because of it. We have the opportunity to be fortified, to go in different because we've been built different each and every time. So I used to read Romans 5, 3 like, yeah, victory! Suffering produces perseverance and character and hope, and hope will not put us to shame. and that's it. We'll get there. And wrong, I believe what that verse is telling us is because you're going to go back in. You're suffering and you've got this cycle of ongoing hurt, but you're going to fill it with ongoing hope because you have been fortified and built differently every single time. So you're good to go. There's a worse life has to offer.

37:09 Guys, the takeaway, and this is so powerful to me, this takeaway is so true. Take it home. Hope is not a fixed point I will reach. Hope is the living force that propels me forward, propels me forward into the ongoing hurt with an ongoing hope. How cool is that? I, um, I'd love to tell you that everything is a-okay today, and you know too much from this talk to know that's the truth, but I'm actually doing awesome. I do have a modern picture of my family today. My sweet boys, James and John, are 16 and 9, and my husband Jay, who's somewhere, is incredible, and we're doing life. life's gone on. It's been really rough. I've had 13 major surgeries since the stroke. I've taken a number of falls. I've ended up in the ER more times than I care to remember.

38:17 It's been legit horrible, honestly. And yet, I know too much to know that's the whole story. I thought recently that there's been a lot of collateral damage post-stroke. There has been a whole lot of collateral damage. But I cannot even say that without also telling you that there have been profound collateral gifts. Deep collateral gifts from the fallout. The wreckage of my life has meant many incredibly beautiful things that I am so grateful for. And you know what? That is true in your story too. No matter the wreckage, there is beauty in the ashes. Don't miss it.

39:09 The second part of Isaiah 45.3 tells us that God is giving us the treasure. and not so we might be rich. Who really cares about that at the end of the day? But so that we may know that he is God, the God of Israel, the God who summons us by name. So here's the thought to close with. God is summoning us by name. And maybe the only way he could have gotten this girl's attention was through the stroke. Maybe this is him saying, wake up. Wake up. Hey, that's a crazy way of waking you up, doesn't it? Suddenly I'm not asleep. I'm hurting. And I don't want to hurt anymore. But the way to not hurt is to be near the healer. Suddenly you don't feel the hurt.

40:03 Suddenly you feel a little bulletproof. I can't say that too loud for a number of reasons, but it's the truth. You got this Jesus bubble wrap on you now. Much better than any other kind. because it means that I'm safe and secure in him and it changes everything.