Weight of Your Words, Part 2 - “Look Who's Talking”

0:01 Hey, everybody. Andy here. Welcome to Your Move, where we help you make better decisions and live with fewer regrets. As a nonprofit organization, we rely on the generosity of our listeners. So if you have been positively impacted by this podcast, would you consider supporting Your Move with a tax-deductible donation? To give, just visit yourmove.is slash give. That's yourmove.is forward slash give. Thanks for considering. And now back to the show. Today, if you have not been tracking along with us, or if you have, we are actually in part two of a series entitled The Weight of Your Words. The Weight of Your Words. And if you have ever been crushed by someone's words, you get this and you know what we're talking about. Words carry weight.

0:54 They can leave a mark for good or for bad. They can inspire, they can build or they can destroy, they can wound, right? I mean, we have all been on the receiving end of words that have built us up. We've all been on the receiving end of words that have torn us down, left us wondering, taken away our confidence. I'm so proud of you.

1:16 You embarrassed me tonight. I wouldn't miss it for the world. you're not needed here anymore. We've all been on both sides of things like that, haven't we? In fact, some of those phrases are emotional for you. Maybe something recently. That's the power of words. Here I am reading words on a screen that reflects something someone has said to you and suddenly it's very personal. It's very emotional. Our lives, I don't need to convince you of this, but our lives have been shaped by the words spoken to us, over us, and at times we feel like words spoken at us. This is true for our childhood. It's true right now for some of you in your marriages. You are dealing with wounds and carrying wounds, and your spouse has said, I'm just telling the truth. I'm just being honest. We talked about that last time, and you're like, yeah, you're just being honest, but you're killing me with the weight of your words. Words inflate or deflate our confidence.

2:17 with the words spoken to us or at us or over us, impact who we see in the mirror, right? And here's the thing, and here's where we make a turn. While we are quick to acknowledge the fact that people's words spoken to us, over us and at us have impacted our lives and our childhood and again, who we see in the mirror, we're quick to recognize that. I don't have to convince you of that. What we are not so quick to recognize, what we're often slow to recognize, and here's the point of today's few minutes together, and what we are slow to take responsibility for is how our words land and impact others, which should bother all of us, right? But it should bother a specific group of us more, those of us who consider ourselves Jesus followers. The idea that our words have the potential to wound, that our words have the potential to undermine somebody's confidence or to undermine someone's self-esteem or to inflict a scar that they carry with the rest of their lives, that potential with our words should really bother us.

3:18 And of all people, we should take responsibility for our words. And here's why. The apostle Paul comes along and teases out Jesus, you know, new covenant command to love us. He loved us to love us. God through Christ loved us. And he teases it out. And the apostle Paul says throughout his letters, hey, we're one another people. That's what Christians are supposed to be. We're one another. We are supposed to make decisions and choose words and respond in such a way that the person on the other side of us, the one another, actually benefits by being in a relationship with us or being on the other side of us. We're supposed to encourage one another and honor one another and forgive one another and carry one another's burdens. We are supposed to sacrifice for the sake of the benefit of other people, which means our words matter and we are more responsible than the average person for leveraging our words in such a way that our words build people up. These kinds of words, as we're gonna talk about, should characterize us.

4:14 So we have to take responsibility for our words. Now, real quick, if you're not a Jesus follower, if you're not a Christian or maybe you used to be and you kind of hit the eject button and you're out, isn't it true that you may be more curious if the Christians you knew had been more cautious with their words? Isn't it true that you may be more curious or maybe more open to leaning in or rediscovering the faith that you grew up in or grew up with if the Christians around you had used their words in a different way as it relates to you and not just to you, but the people that you love the most. So in this series, we're talking about three dynamics that are at work in every conversation. And regardless of your faith tradition or regardless of whether or not you even have faith, this is gonna be super, super helpful because these three dynamics are, they're weaving their way into every conversation we have. These three dynamics actually determine what people hear regardless of what we actually say.

5:13 And here's the thing, this is why we should be good at this. We have all been on the receiving end of all three of these dynamics, which means this should be easy for us because we should be able to keep it front and center, but we don't. So the last time we were together, we talked about the first one of these dynamics. And the first one is simply this, that words are not equally weighted. In other words, all words don't weigh the same. And specifically, negative words weigh way more than positive words. So we talked about proportion control, right? Not just portion control, proportion control. The proportion of positives to negatives is a really big deal in relationships. And if we want to have the kind of relationship and influence with people where they're able to hear the hard things and sometimes the negative things, we need to load up on the positive because whether we like it or not, whether we think it's fair or not, it's very difficult for people to hear the negative if all they get is negative.

6:10 And if it's hard for people to hear the negative if it's the one-to-one correlation between positive and negative, that words don't weigh the same and negative words weigh way more than positive. So we talked about that last time. So today I wanna talk about the second dynamic and the second one is this, that source determines weight. Source determines weight. The weight of a word is determined ultimately by the source of the word, the who said behind the what said. So let me give you a couple of illustrations. So ladies, imagine, and many of you don't have to imagine this, those of you who are moms don't have to imagine this, you decide to meet one of your girlfriends during your lunch break for lunch, or maybe you meet one of your girlfriends for coffee, and they get there early, and you walk in, and your girlfriend looks at you and says, wow, you look great. I mean, that outfit, I mean, you look great. You look so young. Well, I mean, that's, yeah, I mean, those are five-pound words.

7:08 Thank you, right? Now imagine that afternoon you're at home and your 15-year-old daughter walks through and she does a double take. And she says, mom, you look great. What you're wearing, you look so young. We could be sisters. Then she turns around and runs off to her room. Now I know what some of you are thinking. You're thinking, I don't have that much imagination.

7:36 You used it all up. because Andy, come on, let's be honest. If the resurrection of Jesus is here, that would come in somewhere, you know. And what makes the difference? The location, you know, the words at home weigh more than words. No, no, no, it's not the location. It's not the words. I mean, five pound words become 50 pound words depending on who's using those words. Not because of where, because of who. Another illustration, my administrative assistant, Diane Grant, has worked with me for over 25 years, which means she either needs a standing ovation or a long vacation or both. But anyway, we're from here for 25 years, so she knows me well and we're able to communicate so well and it's a great working relationship. And every once in a while, when I need to go deliver some negative information or some negative news to an employee, she'll say, remember, remember, your words weigh a lot.

8:33 sometimes every once in a while she'll say this, Andy, Andy, I think you should let me tell her. I think you should let me tell him. My words don't weigh as much. Do you know why she tells me to remember? Because I forget. Because when I see the people that I work with, you know who I see? I see co-workers. I see peers. I see friends. Who do they see? They see the boss. It's very different. We're in a relationship. It is not the same relationship. So to tease this out a little bit, okay? It kind of looks like this. Source determines weight, weight determines impact, and impact determines outcome. The source of the words determines the weight of the word. The weight determines the impact, how it lands. And the impact ultimately, in most cases, determines the outcome. Now, if you're into physics, just ignore this. I realize this, I'm messing with your categories, okay? But you get what I'm saying in terms of the flow of communications.

9:28 Now, I'm often asking, this may sound strange for me to talk about myself for just a second, but I'm often asked in leadership context, especially business leaders or ministry leaders, you know, when we're doing Q&A, hey, Andy, there's three questions I always get, and this is always one. How do you handle confl, or how do you handle criticism? How do you handle criticism? And my first response is, what criticism?

9:51 I mean, who would criticize a pastor? I mean, I'm sort of beyond, people don't know. Okay, that's not true. And so here's what I always say. I say, well, it depends on where the criticism's coming from, right? Because source determines weight. And source determines weight, not just with the negatives. This is what I want you to get today. Source determines weight with the positives as well. And this is why this is so important, which means, and I'm going to tease this out a little bit more in a minute so you can take this home, which means every single one of you, those of you watching, those of you, wherever you are in the world, and regardless if you're a Christian or regardless of your faith tradition, this isn't all skate. Every single one of you has unique potential to leverage the weight of your words in specific relationships. And if you get this right, you make other people better. If you were to ask Sandra the moment where she felt most affirmed in her role as a mom, she would tell you about a short exchange she had with her dad years ago.

10:53 Last night we were having dinner and I told her I was going to share this story. I asked her, can I share this story? I said, it's already in my notes. It would really help if you said yes. She said yes. And I went over it with her just to make sure I got the details right. And we both got emotional. So she's downstairs. Andrew's 30 years old now. So he was in a high chair. And she's downstairs early one morning and her parents have spent the night with us. She's down there by herself and she's got him in the high chair. And she's doing the, you know, the poke and swipe, the poke it in, swipe the bottom lip, poke. Is that what you call it? Something like that. Anyway, she's got that thing going on. Her dad comes downstairs, her dad is a man of few words, incredible man, but sits down quietly, waits, watches. And then he says to her, and I quote, you are a really good mom.

11:39 Now, just to brag on my wife, okay, there were more epic and interesting and affirming mother moments than poke and swipe early in the morning when getting mush into Andrew's face, okay? I mean, and to be honest, even bad mothers feed their babies, okay? So this isn't like, whoa, you're feeding your baby. Oh my gosh. You are like, no, right? That's the point. That's the whole point. It wasn't what, it was who. I mean, she homeschooled our kids for 10 years, okay? She taught them to read. She taught them math. She can remember algebraic expressions. She bungee jumped. She learned to knit because Allie wanted to learn to knit. Then Allie didn't want to knit, but she'd already learned. She did all that. No complaining. one Christmas, one of our boys gave her spinners for the minivan. You remember spinners that you put on the wheel? And she just feigned gratitude like, oh my gosh, it's what I've always wanted. She's looking at me like, will these go in the minivan? I'm like, they don't go in the minivan.

12:35 She took them to homeschool day at Six Flags year after year after year. That's a real thing, homeschool day at Six Flags. And I learned, I never went because she's a way better parent than me. And I had to work that day. What day is it? Oh yeah, got to work. Anyway, as much as I want to to go to homeschool day at Six Flags, the lines were really short with all the roller coasters. Not because there were fewer kids, but because on average homeschoolers aren't that brave. Anyway, so they, sorry homeschool kids. Anyway, so the point is, if we wanted to like put everything she's done as a fabulous mom on the wall, there's so much to brag about. But you ask her, that's the moment because source determines weight. Now, so what do we do with that? I mean, that's just true. And nobody's gonna argue with that. But imagine, just for a moment, I'm gonna give you a specific application. Imagine if we remembered that everywhere we went in every conversation.

13:31 Anytime you realize, I have a little bit of a unique advantage. I have a little bit of a unique relationship. We're in a relationship. It's not the same relationship. Who am I? Imagine what we could do. Imagine what you could do, the power of your words. So here's the application. Remember, because we forget. Remember. Remember who you are and what you represent to the person on the other side of you. It's just remember who you are and what you represent to the person on the other side of you. And in any relationship where you have any advantage, positionally, relationally, even financially, you have a unique opportunity because your words carry additional weight. and I would just want to encourage you to leverage that opportunity every chance you get. Quick story, years ago, when President Obama was elected for his first term, I got a call from his administration to come be a part of the festivities and the National Cathedral service they have after the inauguration. Some of you remember that and you may not know this, you may want to write this down. See, I don't know if you know this, but politics is not an emotionally neutral topic.

14:50 Politics, I should put that on the screen. Politics is not an emotion. So when I got invited, I thought, wow, what a privilege. I was completely shocked. And I thought, wow, what an incredible opportunity to get to go to the National Cathedral, all these famous people. And I get to read this thing that was written, was read when George Washington was inaugurated. I mean, it's this, but I realized if I do this, there's gonna be people that are like, yeah, he's one of us and other people are like, no, he's one of them and it just, you know, treading lightly and I wanted to figure this out. So Andrew, our oldest again, we're driving home. I remember what road we were on. I had just gotten this invitation the day before. I gotta let him know what I'm gonna do and I said to him, I said, Andrew, he was 15. I said, Andrew, hey, I get invited to do this thing but some people are gonna be upset. Some people are gonna be too excited. You know, it's divisive. It could be, you know, And so I'm just trying to figure out what to do. And he said something I'll never forget.

15:41 And my point is, students, you have no idea the weight of your works with your parents. He said to me, he said, Dad, if God brought this opportunity along, don't you think you should take it regardless of what other people think? It's like the peer pressure talk for grownups, from the teenagers. Dad, don't give in to peer pressure. It's like, okay. So I went ahead and did it and the whole thing turned out great. But the point is, I'll never forget that. Why? Because his work, I mean, you know, staff and an opinion, everybody's got an opinion, but my 15-year-old son, I'm like, goodness. So the point is, whether it's at home or at school or at work or in the neighborhood, remember, remember who you are and remember what you represent to the person on the other side of you. One more quick illustration.

16:35 Mom and dad, this is so important. When you walk into your child's room to deliver some bad news, all right? When you walk into your child's room to deliver some not so good news, you see somebody who knows better and who needs to do better. But who do they see? They see the person whose approval they want more than anything else in the world.

17:07 It's not the same relationship. You have a relationship, but it's not the same relationship. Who we are and what we represent should determine what we say, the words we choose, because who we are and what we represent It determines the weight of our words. Now, so far, this has been great advice and a lousy sermon, right? In fact, some of you are like, if this is your first time, it's like, is this like positive thinking church? I've heard that's what it is. No, so far, good advice. So if we just stopped right here, I wanna say to all of those of you of a different faith tradition or not Christian, not a religious person, please just, you don't need to listen to the rest of this. But listen, you need to do that. imagine our nation would be a much more pleasant place if all of us would leverage our words with the idea of building the person up, the person on the other side of us, of building them up and encouraging them, right? But for Christians, the stakes are even higher. If you're a Jesus follower or claim to be a Christian, this is not optional. This isn't an add-on. This isn't like, oh, this will make me a better person and I want you to hear me. And this isn't a ploy to leverage in somebody's life to get what you want from them. I'm just going to add more and more positive words, leverage the positive so I get what I want. This is not that, this is not a strategy for getting what you want. We are obligated as Jesus followers to get this right because we have a responsibility.

18:36 We have a responsibility because we have been commanded by our savior to love others the way that God through Christ has loved them, which includes the words that we use. We've been commanded to leverage our words with the benefit of the other person in mind. Now, last week, we teased out this passage. I'm just going to read it to you real quick and keep moving. But again, this isn't optional for us. The apostle Paul taking, again, Jesus' new covenant marching orders to love as God through Christ has loved us. And he says, here's what it looks like with the words that you choose. And he says, do not, it's a command. And he says, do not let any unwholesome or any stinky word come out of your mouths, but only words that are good for building others up. In other words, he says, every conversation is a construction site. Every conversation is a construction site. And you're either going to use your words to build or to tear down. He says, so you choose your word to build others up according to not your needs, according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And why must we do this?

19:42 why is this important? Just so, hey, well, if you do this, you're just gonna get along. No, that's not the reason. The reason if you're a Jesus follower or a Christian, you have to get this right is because you don't represent yourself. You're not just a representative of yourself. For us, the application has a twist. You know, the application for everybody is remember who you are and what you represent to the person on the other side of you. If you're a Jesus follower, if you're a Christian, there's a twist. And here's the twist. Remember who you are and who you represent to the person on the other side of you. And who are you? You're more than the employer. You're more than the manager. You're more than the employee. You're more than the neighbor. You're more than just a parent. You're more than just the older brother.

20:36 You're more than just the older sister. you're a follower of Jesus and to use Jesus words you are this is so amazing you are the salt of the entire earth so our words should do what salt does preserve and protect preserve and protect never harm never undermine he says there's more and not only that you are the light of the world our words should bring light and life to every single person we meet our words should bring light and life to the people on the other side of us and then Jesus doubles down in case we didn't get it he says so here's what you need to do since you're the light of the world I want you to do something with it.

21:29 You've read this passage before. Don't put it under a bushel. Don't put it under a clay jar. He says, no, I want you to leverage your light. I want you to think about who's on the other side of you and I want you to let your light shine before others that they might see ultimately how you live your life and connect the dots between how you live and what you say and who you worship and who you follow. I want you to let your light shine in such a way that they might see and hear and connect the dots between why you say what you say, why you possess, why you communicate the attitude that you do and the care that you do and who you follow and who you worship to leverage who you are and what you represent to the person on the other side of you. To leverage who you are and who you represent to the person on the other side of you. To use those weighty words to build and to encourage.

22:24 it's not just an opportunity for us it's actually our responsibility imagine just imagine for a moment imagine the influence that the church would have in the community and the church would have in the world if we just gotten this one thing right imagine the influence and to be clear for those of who aren't Christians, hear me out. Not influenced so we could take over and have control and have more people on our team. Uh-uh. Because our king said this, I did not come to be served. I came to serve and I came to give my life as a ransom for many. But imagine with taking on the attitude of Christ, as Paul talks about, the mindset of Christ. Imagine with that mindset. Imagine it for the last 50 years or the last 20 years or the last 10 years. It's Jesus followers had embraced this posture when they thought about what they were saying, how they were saying it, and the words they chose to the people on the other side of them.

23:29 Imagine, imagine where our country would be. Imagine where the world would be. This is what we have been invited to. Listen, I'm not exaggerating. It was that posture and it was that attitude that changed the world once, that changed the world for the better once. Imagine if that had been our track record. Do you know what we would hear? We would hear things like this, those Christians, those Christians, they believe some strange stuff. but I gotta be honest, they are the most encouraging people I've ever met. In fact, even when they say hard things, even when they say hard things, you just can't help but believe they really have your best interest in mind. Even when they say some of that goofy stuff, it's like, gosh, it's hard to hate these people. It really is.

24:22 Because I think, even though they're wrong, I think they are genuine and they're sincere. and when I'm in trouble, that's who I call. And when my family hit a bump, we're not even church people and they were there. And my neighbor, he's a Christian and he came over and he confronted me and he was getting all up in my face and I was about to, you know, and I realized he really cares about me. He didn't have to come over here and say this. He really cares about me and my family because all my other friends are saying, oh, it's none of my business, it's none of my business, but these crazy Christians, I'm not sure I could ever believe what they believe,

25:11 but I don't have a doubt that they believe it. let's do that. When we don't get this right, Paul tells us what it looks like, what it sounds like. When we don't get this right, we lose the right to be heard. We're neither salt, we're not light, we're not preserving anything, we're not protecting anything, we're just having our way in the world. And Paul says, do you know what you sound like when you do that? I don't care if you have perfect theology, perfect theology. I don't care if you have the clearest picture of God of anyone in the world. I don't care if you can diagram the entire New Testament and you've memorized it in English and in Greek, I don't care. If you don't get this right, do you know what your words are in your community and to the lives of the people around you? Do you know what the people at work actually hear? He says, it's a resounding gong. And I thought about bringing one up here, but it is so loud and obnoxious and a clanging cymbal.

26:06 He says, if love isn't driving your words, if concern for other people isn't the filter through which your words pass, if you're not there to build them up, then just shut up because you're doing more harm than good. And if you're not a Christian, chances are it was the reckless, unchristlike words of Christians that either drove you away or keep you away. or the reckless, unchristlike words of Christians spoken to someone you love that drove you away or keep you away. That were the reason you decided to leave faith. And if that's the case, I am so sorry. And I hope that you will look past us and beyond us to Jesus who, and you're gonna love this.

27:01 If you're not a Christian, you're gonna love this. To look past us to Jesus who reserved his harshest words for religious people who were careless with their words toward the people he loved. So for all of us, let's remember, I forget. Let's remember who you are and remember what you represent to the person on the other side of you. And if you're a Christian, remember who you are and who you represent to the person on the other side of you. Remember to take you into account because the source of a word determines the weight of the word and the weight determines the impact. And ultimately, the impact determines the outcome. So leverage your words accordingly.

27:56 This is just one more thing that love requires of us. And we will pick it up right there next time in part three of the weight of your words. so thanks for listening but before you go i wanted to take a minute to thank everyone who supports your move financially it's the generosity of our listeners that makes this podcast possible so if you have found this content helpful we would like to invite you to make a tax-deductible donation to your move you just visit your move.is forward slash give that's your move.is slash give thanks for considering and make sure you