What Marriage Means

0:00 Song of Solomon chapter 3 is where we're going to be today. We're in the Song of Solomon. We're seeing right in front of our eyes how romantic God is. And you can't open the Bible up without getting a glimpse of that. I mean, no sooner does God create the world, create people, than the first thing is he officiates at the first wedding in history. It's literally as the Bible starts. It starts with a wedding. And guess what? It ends with a wedding too. As Revelation describes history's last chapter, the first thing that kicks the party off in heaven is the marriage supper of the lamb. God describes himself in the Old Testament as the husband to Israel. And then we understand as the mystery of the gospel is revealed in the New Testament, that if we're a part of the church, then God sees us as the bride of Christ.

0:54 And when Jesus comes, after all the years waiting, waiting, waiting, the promised Messiah arrives, what's the first thing he does? He turns up at a wedding in John chapter 2. And what's the first order of business? Make sure that the wedding doesn't run out of wine. It's symbolic of the party that's unleashed through Jesus is a party that never ends. And there's this little thing called the Song of Solomon that we have to reckon with too, because its real name is the Song of Songs written by Solomon. So the Bible identifies it as the song out of all songs, in the same way that God is the King of kings and the Lord of lords, and the holy place was called the Holy of Holies. So that is to say that God wants us to think about this song as the best song of all the songs.

1:53 Now, personally, I probably would have gone for Psalm 23, but who am I, right? God wants us to understand just how important this idea of relationships is to him, and it needs to be to us as well. And we have been watching this couple meet and be attracted and begin dating and go through this whole process. And today, they're going to the chapel, and they're going to get married. This is literally the day, their big day. And we're going to see an entire chapter, pretty much just focusing in on the last couple days of their engagement and their actual wedding itself. That's how important it is to God that we understand there is a way to tie the knot His way. What does it mean to have a wedding that blesses and honors God's heart? I know we're all excited about our Pinterest boards and mood boards and all the things we need to, you know.

2:54 That's great. That's fantastic. Have your mood board. But what does it mean to have your wedding honor him? Because God said, those who honor me, I will honor. And one of my favorite details about Jesus in John 2 turning water into wine at that wedding is this. It says Jesus was at the wedding because he was invited. Gasp. Is it that simple? What is he doing at this wedding? Why did they get to be the married couple that got to have Jesus show up at their wedding? Maybe it's literally as simple as they chose to put him on the guest list. The Bible does talk about God drawing near to those who draw near to him. Someone put it this way. God, listen, this is crazy, waits to be wanted. God hopes to be welcomed. And so that's our heartbeat.

3:48 Our heartbeat would be that we would understand that not just the marriage, yes, there's a lot about the marriage that needs to honor God, but we can actually honor God in how we approach the wedding itself. The title of the message is, What Marriage Means. And that should be what all of the symbolism and all of the reality behind how we approach our wedding day, it should all point to the meaning of marriage, to what marriage means. In our day, the wedding tends to be either over or under-emphasized. Those are really the two choices, right? Either, what do I mean over-emphasize? It's this big circus. It's this big show. It's a contest. Who can spend more money? You know, it's how can we impress? How can it all looks so good on Instagram, right? This spectacle, OK?

4:42 That's not great. Just not, OK? Why? Weddings come and go, right? The marriage stays. So you should be more focused on the marriage than just the wedding. The wedding's one great day. But the marriage should hopefully be what you've actually been preparing for. So culture will say over-emphasize, over-blow, over-spend, over-hype, over-impress to one-up and be better than whatever the last wedding you went to. That's a mistake. But the pendulum swings two different directions. And I honestly think the other direction that maybe we are more guilty of making, more prone towards these days, is to under-emphasize. So what's the big deal? It's just like sort of a formality, a box that you got to check, right? That it's basically just a piece of paper.

5:38 No, it's not. It's holy matrimony. It's not to be entered into lightly or flippantly. It is sacred. It is special. It's supernatural. And the reality is, just as we shouldn't approach communion haphazardly, right the book of corinthians actually says that there are sometimes people in the church who get sick and even die because of their taking communion in an unworthy manner handling these elements that are not but that are representatives of the body and blood of jesus and to do it flippantly is to not recognize the sacredness of what you're holding i don't think anybody here would you know sort of hopefully dismiss what happens in baptism. This is not a hop into a hot tub.

6:31 You realize that? This is stepping into a moment where you are identifying publicly with the body of Jesus that was buried, buried with Christ in death, raised. When you come out of those waters of baptism, I always tell people, you pump your arms like you are Rocky Balboa on the top of those steps because you are raised with Christ, function. You raised with Christ. it is holy it is sacred it is supernatural and just as we would treat communion and baptism as as as important just as we would supernaturally raise our faith towards the babies who are being being honored in dedication uh when when they're publicly standing before the church to say hey i want to commit to raise this child to know the lord i mean it's a holy moment uh neither should we flippantly or lightly step into this moment of two, listen to me, becoming one flesh. That's what's happening. And that is only possible by the work of God. God brings these two together to become one flesh. Okay, so what I hope to happen today, and this is my prayer all week, and I know it's strange, but I keep praying, Lord, would you grab our Etch-A-Sketch, And would you shake it so you could put your picture into our hearts that you had originally when you invented marriage? When you, as the father of the bride, brought Eve to be married to Adam, and then you as the officiant, you know, supervised and conducted the first wedding in history, what you had in your mind, could that replace the cultural picture we have of marriage in our mind? Could we have your image? Because sin, it's been said, is a disordered, inflamed imagination. We all create pictures that we think will make us happy and we chase after them. We're all trying to get the good life. The problem is sin disorders our imagination and we love and chase after a picture that can never truly satisfy. So hopefully what can happen today is by God

8:41 shaking the etch-a-sketch clean from the cultural clutter and all the baggage that's crowded in of what we think is going to bring the good life to us, that God would give us a picture of a wedding. And then we could reverse engineer. Those of you who are teenagers and young adults, that as you move towards it with this picture in your mind, it'll answer all the questions you would have about how should I date? Will this get me to that? Will this move me towards the picture that God has for me? Is this the kind of person who I could step into that with? And then for those of us who are married today here, or divorced, or widowed, and whatever's going on today that you would go, dang, like maybe some of you will say, I wish I had heard this message when I was 18, or I wish I had heard this message when I was 14. I could have had that picture in my mind. Let me just tell you something. The way that we are approaching this conversation in this series, Love is in the Air, is this way.

9:35 From this day forward. Because I can't do anything about my past, and you can't do anything about yours. But our God doesn't just create, he can recreate. He can bring something brand new. He can take what's in your heart today, what's in your life today, and he can touch it. OK, and so we're all going to hopefully move towards what God has for each of us. But I really pray you would just see this image that caused God to give such real estate in his word. It's been called the most neglected book of the Bible, the Song of Solomon. And as chapter three begins, the engagement is almost over. And yet we see the fire has not gone out. The first of five takeaway truths I want you to jot down. For this couple, the fire has not gone out. You say, Levi, what fire? There's actually two. The fire of their love for him and the fire of their love for each other. They're both burning brightly.

10:33 And that really, haven't we seen that throughout the way they've approached their crush, their dating, their engagement. There's been a desire to honor God in what they do with the energy and the attraction they feel. And so really, that's what we're trying to say. We're trying to say, in how I approach my love for you, I want it to honor him. And we see both of these flames burning bright for them. Song of Solomon 3, verse 1. By night on my bed, I sought the one I love. I sought him, but I did not find him. I will rise now, I said, and go about the city. In the streets and in the squares, I will seek the one I love. I sought him, but I did not find him. The watchmen who go about the city found me.

11:27 I said, have you seen the one I love? So what's happening here? Shulamite is back at home in Shunem, where she was raised. She's in her mom and dad's house, okay? And the wedding is coming soon. The wedding is about to happen. She would be waiting for him to show up. In our day, we all gather in the church and or in the event space or the outdoor meadow, and everyone waits. It's on kind of pins and needles a little bit, will she come? Will she come? We're all waiting. Here comes the bride, right? And that day was the opposite. The bride and the family would all be waiting for the arrival of the groom. And then there would be a parade as he would collect his bride and bring her to his home, right? And so everyone's waiting. And in the period, I mean, you didn't know exactly when he was going to come.

12:20 And in that whole kind of period, last couple days, she has this dream that's actually kind of like a nightmare. and in their nightmare, she's not with him. They're not together. So it's dreaming, so just give everybody some grace here. Taco Bell could be a part of the problem. But she has this dream, and in her dream, she expects him to be with her, but he's not. So maybe in her dream, they end up not married together. And time's gone on, life's gone on, but they end up not together, OK? And she's distraught by this. This idea of not ending up as Mrs. Solomon is very devastating to her. So she starts looking for him all around Jerusalem, asking the watchman, asking, where's he at? Where's he at? How did we not end up? She's panicking. She's freaking out. The idea, listen to me, of her not being with him causes her to panic. And believe it or not, this is a good sign.

13:15 This is a good sign. because I think you'll agree, it's about as far as you can get from cold feet. There have been some brides a couple days before a wedding thinking, oh my gosh, what have I got myself into? Am I making a mistake? Her frame of mind, as she takes her temperature, hot still for Solomon. Hot still. She's hot for Solomon. That's what she feels. The thought of not being with him as she wakes up fills her with dread, not relief. And that's something to think about, OK? So hear me, those of you who are dating, is he the one? Is she the one? Right? Listen, if you can, especially as you get closer to it, if you can live without them, you should. If you can live without them, you probably should. You should not go into your wedding with a shrug. Well, you know, well, well.

14:10 No, no, it should be like this. The thought, man, I asked the hard question. The thought of down the road and wake up in my bed, he's there or she's there, he's there, she's not there. This is important. It's something to think about. It's like the wisdom, like they say when you're trying something on in the dressing room, you can end up talking yourself into a purchase. That's the most you're ever going to love it. You should not bring it home because the lighting's not going to be as good. No, no. You should not get into a marriage as an impulse buy. You should not have to like talk yourself up for it, right? The fire for her, she says, has not gone out. And that's all the more telling because of the sexual restraint that they've been showing. Do you hear me? When you climax in sex, your brain gets flooded with oxytocin. Interestingly enough, it's the same chemical that pumps through your brain, moms, when you breastfeed a child.

15:07 And it's called, they nickname it, the cuddle chemical, okay? It's meant to aid in attachment. So when you take your child to your breast and you hold it, the reason you feel so much love, and I would do anything for this baby, is because your brain is being flooded with this thing that says bond, bond, bond, bond, bond. OK, so when you have sex with your boyfriend or your girlfriend or your fiance, your brain gets flooded with the thing that says, they're the best, they're amazing, they're fantastic, they're wonderful, OK? Now, the problem is you're in the due diligence phase. This is when you're supposed to be checking the foundation. This is when you're trying to check if there's mold. This is when you need to be going, is there a problem here, right? But instead, you're going, bond, right? And the old advice is keep your eyes half closed once you're married and wide open before you're married, right?

16:06 And the problem is when you pump your brain full of the cuddle chemical, it causes your eyes to dim a little bit during a period of time that you need to, as we've heard, have your wits about you. So I have a friend who always posts fire photos on Instagram. It's what men do. He's always like, built this fire. And his big flex, his big challenge is no accelerants. That's his rules. self-imposed rules. No paper, nothing store-bought. It can only be things he finds in the woods and one match. That's his rule. And if he posts this raging inferno, everybody does this big flex, right? And every man in the room is like, I like the challenge. I like where this is heading, right? So his thing is, you know, anybody can have a big thing burn up if you squirt a bunch of lighter fluid on it. That's premarital sex. It's this big, it feels so hot. But that's not the real raging fire.

17:00 that you've built the real careful way that's a roaring fire that has what it needs. So during this period of time, she's showing the restraint. And here's, we're going to now see the need for the restraint. Okay. Verse four, scarcely had I passed by them. She's still dreaming. I found the one I love. I held him and would not let him go until I brought him to the house of my mother and into the chamber of her who conceived me. It's very clear. Every commentary agrees. In the Hebrew, the way she phrases this is, she goes, I want that man. I want that man. I want him in my bed. I want him now. We have business in bed. That's what, in her dream, she gets him. She goes, you're coming to bed with me, right? Now remember, not that we've read, really engaged in what we would call foreplay. They've been very careful. every time it's kind of flared up to curb that.

17:55 And they've repeated the same line every time that's happened. And it's this. Do not awaken. It's not time yet. Do not awaken. It's not time yet. Don't awaken. Why would we wake all that up if it's not time to go all the way? Let's save it till we can get crazy. Let's do that, right? OK? So she says, I want this man, unfoggy brain, unclouded. She's seeing his faults. And she's gone through enough of seasons of life to not just be in puppy love. OK, let me help you. One of the kindest things this woman did to help me know she was the one for me was she dumped me. Yeah. Can you believe it? She did. She sent me to the curb. Here's what happened. We were friends. I was obsessed. She wouldn't date for six months. And so we start dating. And I mean, I was Mr. Casanova, OK?

18:51 But then I think six months or so of dating goes by. And I started to panic because she was getting close. And it was getting clear. We are moving some. This is we're going towards something, right? And I freaked out. Now, I, at that point, didn't really understand how my childhood had affected me and my parents' marriage ending and some of these things going on inside that I hadn't worked out yet. So I didn't know yet that I had this thing when someone got close that I would trigger a panicked reaction of you're going to hurt me at some point. Someone close to me is going to hurt me. And so I began to wall up. I began to pump the brakes. I began to kind of distance myself from her, but not articulating any of that to her. So she has no idea what's going on. It's just this guy who was obsessed with me is now there present in body, but I'm not getting much more emotionally, OK? And so she called me on it and said, what's the deal?

19:45 And I was like, nothing. What do you mean? Everything's fine. What do you want to watch tonight at the movie theater? You know? And so after this went on for a while, and I continued to not have the language to articulate what I was actually feeling and going through, she finally dumped me and said, hey, if you don't want me, you're not going to have me. But you're not going to be with me but not pursue me. She respected herself enough to say, I'm not just going to stay with you to waste my time. And so you know what I did? I said, biggest mistake of her life. You know, that's what I said. Funny, I actually remember driving home thinking, there's plenty of fish out there in the sea, the stupidest, you know. I said, all these girls are going to be so lucky that I'm on the market again, you know. That's what I was thinking.

20:31 And then I went to a family function like a week later. I hadn't told anybody what had happened. And I showed up at this thing. And my family was like, where's Jenny? I was like, well, we broke up. What do you mean you broke up? You love Jenny. They're like, I was like, well, she broke up with me. And my big sister, she sat me down, OK? And she spoke truth to me like only a big sister can. And here's what she said. She said, I'm going to speak slowly so you'll understand the words. She said, you're a moron.

21:03 Jenny's the best thing that ever happened to you. We like Jenny better than we like you. If we could, we would choose her right now to be here and you not be here. And then she said, and we like you better when Jenny's around you. Both Jenny and I got to pick one thing that was like a quote about our relationship to tell our wedding guests. And the quote I chose was, pick someone who makes you a better version of yourself. That's what I felt like I did. And my sister told me that that day. She said, we love you when Jenny's around. And she said, I know you, like, you know, whatever, you need to work out. But just know this, Jenny's not going to end up single for long. Someone's going to snap her up and see the treasure that she is. And you are going to regret it for the rest of your life. So you need to figure this out. And I was like, you don't know what you're talking about. No one wants me to have any fun.

21:55 You know, it's like, whatever. But I drove home that night distinctly thinking, she's right. But I didn't call Jenny that day. I committed to not jerk her around anymore until I had really figured stuff out. And so I took a couple weeks and really prayed about it and got some good counsel. And when I asked Jenny to go on a hike with me, I intended to ask her to once again enter into a dating relationship with me. But I would be honest with her about what I was feeling. and that I was scared and it made me nervous that she was so close and it freaked me out. I didn't know how to talk about that. And so it was going to be that we would pick it back up though with the mentality of pursuing marriage. And it was not too long after that that I proposed and made the best decision of my life and made Jenny my bride. And thank God she said yes. And yet I see that in this dynamic where they're kind of tested by multiple seasons, and yet still, even without the artificial accelerant of sex, they still want each other.

23:00 They still desire each other. And she says, I wish she would take me to bed. But notice verse 5, what happens again? This familiar phrase, I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the does of the field, do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases. Because what she'd just say, I want him and I want him now. And it's actually hilarious to me. It's more from her side than from his side. All throughout the psalms or the song, he's like, your eyes are amazing. Your neck's fantastic. I love your personality. He's just being kind. He's just listening. And she's like, take off your clothes, right? Like, that's her. Because he's actually seeing her and using her sex, greatest sexual organ, which is her mind and being kind and being courteous. And so she's finding this all want to wake up, but choosing to not allow it. Because she says in her words, it's not time yet.

23:54 Now they're days away from marriage. And you could kind of go, dude, what's the problem? You're going to be married in three days. So she's technically your spouse. No, she's not. No, she's not. Until she's your spouse, until he's your spouse, he's someone else's, even if that someone else is a future version of you. I remember Jenny and I, we just had such a conviction about this. And we couldn't, like towards the last couple weeks of our engagement, we were engaged for maybe six months, I want to say. The last couple weeks, like we could not even be, like we would just stand across the room. It was like, we will have sex if we even like get within the room. So we would call her roommate. And I would, we would say, I would call her, are you home? And she would go, no. I'm like, okay, we're going to Panera Bread, Jenny. You know, it's like, we are not going to be in public together because we wanted each other so bad. And we would, we would find ourselves, you kissing and we just be like, ah, not yet, not yet. And we would say this.

24:47 This was like our repeated refrain throughout our engagement. Not no, just not yet. Not no, just not yet. And even if it's a couple of days, let's get to the finish line, building on a foundation of honoring God in how we approach this season that we'll never get back of our lives. And listen, you might say, well, I'm already sleeping with my girlfriend. I've already made those mistakes. It's never too late to do the right thing. It's never too late to draw a line in the sand say, hey, we want to honor God in how we approach it now. So for them, the dual flames of their love for God and love for each other have not flickered. And so we see them moving into the next phase, which is where they're able to say, so now I covenant before God. The fire throughout engagement and dating has not gone out. So now I covenant before God. Where do I see this in the text?

25:39 Verse 6. who is this coming out of the wilderness like pillars of smoke perfumed with myrrh and frankincense with all the merchants' fragrant powders? I will never in my life be able to forget the glimpse that I got of Jenny at the back of the church. We got married outside the church in an amphitheater and when I saw her show up for the first time holding her dad's arm, it blew me out of the water. And what hit me was a wave of the presence and the majesty of God and his grace and kindness in giving me this woman. The pastor had welcomed everybody in the name of Jesus. You see what I'm saying? The entire thing bathed in prayer. We were aware of the fact.

26:32 We were coming together to witness a work of God as he brought us together. Two lives ending. so one new one together could begin. And I am, I don't want to say I'm not an emotional person, but I usually can kind of hold it together. And I was a mess, ugly, crying, snotting down my tuxedo, barely holding it together. And just the thought that hit me was just how great and glorious God is. And to stand and to walk into what he was doing, to step into a miracle in motion in that moment and to covenant with this woman before God, in the presence of God, to enter into a holy covenant. Listen to me, when you are baptized, we were told by Jesus as pastors to baptize in the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit.

27:29 And you will say those same names, the name of God. He's one God, but he's given us three persons that we can understand him as the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. It is not a light thing to stand before an officiant and to speak and invoke the name of God as you say vows, right? Like we ought to be real careful what vows we take in the name above every name. This is a holy covenant. And that's why verse six references the smoke show that is Solomon as he shows up, right? That's what she says. She says, dang. She's like, wow, here comes the groom, right? It's like a pillar in the wilderness. Where have I heard that before? Oh, how about the book of Exodus? When God guided his people, fire by night, pillar of smoke by day. What is she saying?

28:20 Frankincense and myrrh, both involved in the temple worship. She's saying, this is a holy moment. God's here. She's saying what you should hopefully be able to say. God guided us. God led us. God was with us. He was with us in our dating. He was with us in our wandering. He was with us in our fears. Am I going to be single forever? Am I ever going to find her? Am I ever going to find him? It's so difficult to get married after I've been divorced. It's so difficult to focus on the thought of getting married again after I lost a spouse. God was with me, though. Do you see it? They're saying God's here, God's present. We honor him. This is not some piece of paper at the justice of the peace or something you want to escape by eloping. This is a holy moment where the people of God get to celebrate and participate, right? You're there to pray. You're there to bear witness to the work and the majesty of God in giving us the first thing he ever gave to us after he gave.

29:14 This is something that hopefully till death do you part, you will honor, that you're going to continue to walk out in good times and in bad times. This is a holy covenant God present in the midst. And what are they covenanting to do? They're covenanting to live as one in every way. Huge that you see this. The text tells us that Solomon built a device to have her carried to the wedding ceremony inn. In fact, we're given a description of it in verse nine. Of the wood of Lebanon, Solomon the king made himself a palanquin. New vocab words for 500, Bob. A palanquin is a couch that you carry, okay? So when someone sits on a couch and then everybody picks the couch up, right? Think Aladdin, right? The couch that gets carried is a palanquin. Its pillars were of silver, its supports of gold, its seat of purple, the rarest, most expensive color you could buy in the world was purple.

30:17 Interior paved with love by the daughters of Jerusalem. What do we see here? Solomon plundered everything precious in his kingdom and he gave it to her as a representative of, I'm giving all of me to you, all of me to you. Everything I am, everything I have, I'm giving myself fully to you. It's a beautiful, it's a powerful, it's a poignant gesture to say, I'm not just bringing you in my bed to be physical puzzle pieces that, by the way, the human body fits together to make one out of two. That's how God designed it. But that is meant to be the promise your body makes that you live out with every other area of your life. So for Jenny and I, there's not Jenny's life and Jenny's friends and Levi's life and Levi's friends. Those lives ended as we came together.

31:10 Hey, it's the Luskos. This is it, guys. This is what we got. This is who we are. We're going to do it together. And we're going to live as one. We don't have separate bedrooms, separate beds, separate bank accounts, separate secret lives. There's not this and that. We have to hide from each other. We're living together in covenant before God as one flesh