What She Must Be: Marriage Conference Part 3 - Voddie Baucham

0:01 The last time. All together. Aww. It has been good to be here, and I have enjoyed every moment of it. I've been looking forward to this week. This week we look at what she must be. Last week we talked about what he must be. And ladies, I warned you that your turn was coming, and your turn is now here. You know, I have a lot of little, I don't know, quirks, I guess you could call it. And one of the things that I do is I just think everything through to its logical conclusion. It's just something that I do. And sometimes people will say I'm being nitpicky or whatever, but I'm sort of philosophical by nature. And I like to, you know, just talk about these sorts of things that I think about. And as a result of that, there's this one thing that bothers me. It's just not a terrible thing, but the term African-American.

1:00 I don't like the term African-American. I just don't. not fond of the term African American. I don't want to fight when people say it. It's like that. But I've had discussions with people about this whole term African American. I have one particular relative of mine, and we've had discussions about the term several times. I tried everything to just logically make my point, and I just couldn't make my point. The term is inappropriate. It's not properly descriptive. And I said, for example, here's one way I tried to make my argument. I said, you also call people Mexican-American, right? Well, here's the problem with that. Mexico's a country. Africa is a continent. If we were going to be consistent, you would have to call them North American-Americans, right? He didn't budge on that one, you know? But here's what happened. We moved over to England. I went to school in England for a while, and my family and I were living in England. And so he calls me, and he says, have you found an African-American church to which I responded why would I be looking for an African-American church in England It didn't, the first time it just went right over, he didn't get it.

2:18 And he said, you know, the African Americans there, I'm sure that they, I said, why would you call people here African American? And there's this long pause. And all I could think was, gotcha. You know, what do you do when your political correctness runs up against the reality where it doesn't fit? What do you do? More importantly, what do you do when your political correctness runs up against the Word of God? What do you do when you're committed to something because it's politically correct, or you're opposed to something because it's politically incorrect, and all of a sudden you run up against the scriptures, what do you do at that point? Why do I ask that? Because just like last week when we talked about what he must be and it was sort of summed up in one word, that word headship, that he must lead in love and lead in the word and lead in righteousness and lead in selflessness and lead in intimacy today.

3:25 When we talk about what she must be, it's summed up in one word, one politically incorrect, juicy word. The word is submission. We don't like that word. But, as I've told you before, I don't write the mail, I just deliver it.

3:47 Here's the beauty of that. When I deliver the mail that I didn't write, if you have a problem, you take it up with the author, not with me. in all seriousness I want us to go back to Ephesians chapter 5 and look at this text again back up from where we were last week when we looked at what he must be but don't forget that don't don't forget that contextually don't forget where we were don't forget what what Scripture calls husbands to be because inevitably when I talk to women about this issue and they can be just as averse to this term as anybody I mean just hate the term submission and I'll back up and I say, okay, let's talk about what the scripture says that he must be. Let's talk about all those things that we talked about last week when you were going, yeah. And then let me ask you a question. Would you have a problem submitting to that? And inevitably the answer is no.

4:44 I want to be quiet. All right. Ephesians chapter five, beginning of verse 22. Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord For the husband is the head of the wife As Christ also is the head of the church He himself being the savior of the body But as the church is subject to Christ So also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything Now before we move forward on what she must be Let me just make a few points of clarification here about submission First of all This idea or concept of submission From a biblical perspective Is voluntary Wives, be subject to your own husbands Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands We see this also in Colossians 4 And we see this also in 1 Peter 3 That this is something that wives do voluntarily It doesn't say husbands dominate your wives It's not what the text teaches And when you look at the responsibilities of husbands to their wives, that is in complete opposition to what the text teaches.

5:57 And so submission is not about being domineering or overbearing. That is not what submission is about. That's why this is so important for you to hear out there, unmarried men. So important. It's voluntary, which means it's not something that you can force on a woman. So if you are intent on marrying a woman who is not submissive, you lose because you can't make her submissive. You can't. What, are you going to do arm wrestler for it?

6:25 Rock, paper, scissors? It doesn't work like that. It doesn't work like that. You cannot be who God calls you to be biblically and try to force somebody else into submission. That is not a biblical concept. And so first and foremost, this term is voluntary. It is a military term. The term hupotasso, it's used in reference to military, means to voluntarily rank oneself below another. And in military terminology, it would be like a person who is, you know, in the military who is a sergeant who's been there for 10 or 15 years, who gets an order from a lieutenant who's been there 10 or 15 weeks. and he voluntarily submits to the orders that he receives. Secondly, this word is about order and not about value. The text doesn't say that the husband is more valuable than the wife, therefore the wife is to submit.

7:24 It's not what the text teaches. That's why this submission is voluntary. You have two equals. When God makes Eve from the body of Adam, Adam wakes up and he says, this is now bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman because she was taken out of man. He looks at her as an equal. There is equality there. There is not more worth in Adam and less worth in Eve. 1 Corinthians 11 makes this clear when Paul talks about Christ being the head of every man and the man being the head of the woman and God being the head of Christ. So in other words, if you take that in 1 Corinthians chapter 11, you would have to say that somehow the father was more valuable than the son if you say that the man is more valuable than the woman. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is not a question of value. It is a question of order.

8:18 Back to the military illustration. You know, who's more valuable in the grand scheme of things? A sergeant who's been there for 10 or 15 years or a lieutenant who's been there for 10 or 15 weeks? It doesn't take a genius to figure out who's more valuable in that equation. But when the lieutenant tells the sergeant something, what does the sergeant do? Salute and execute. That's what he does. Why? Because there's a chain of command. And what that lieutenant said probably came from a captain, which probably came from a major, which probably came from a colonel, which probably came from a general.

8:53 And so he voluntarily aligns himself beneath another because of order. not because of value. And if I can just put a footnote here, a lot of times when women come to me talking about disorder with their children and their children being disrespectful, you know the first question I ask a woman who comes to me talking about children who are unruly, the first question I ask her is about her submission to her husband. why what would privates be like in the military if sergeants didn't take orders from lieutenants Think about how that would work. Same thing oftentimes happens in our families. So this is about order. It's not about value. There's a third truth here.

9:45 He says, wives be subject to your own husbands, not women be subject to all men. Amen. Ladies, can I get an amen on that one? Does not say, ladies, you're to be submissive to all men. That's not what it says. as wives to your own husbands. This is extremely important because he's talking about order within the context of our families, within the context of our marriages. Again, I've had the conversations with folks. You know, I'm having this problem in the relationship that I'm having. You know, what's the problem? Well, you know, my girlfriend, she just won't submit to me. To which I always respond, she's not supposed to.

10:25 What? Yeah, she's not supposed to. It says, wives, be subject to your own husbands. Have you married the girl? Why would you expect her to give to you what she's only required to give to a husband if you want man up and marry her?

10:46 If you can't say amen, you ought to say ouch. And how many times have we seen young women who change and reorder their lives because of a relationship with a man who's not even their husband, that doesn't even end up being their husband? How many times have we seen that? And so for clarification here, this is something that's voluntary. This is not something that you can make happen. And by the way, you know, guys, if we can just put another footnote here, if you're at home and you're talking like, you know, I'm the man of this house and I'm in charge and you need to listen to me, people who say those things, anybody who has to say that they're the man of their house is not.

11:38 Amen. Can you see, you know, I don't know, General Eisenhower? I'm the head of the Allied Command Soldiers, listen to me. No, no, no, no, no. That submission has to be voluntary. That submission is about order and not value, and that submission is from wives to husbands. Now, with that in mind, let's look at what she must be. First of all, if we're looking for a wife, and we're trying to gauge these things in her life, we won't be able to gauge them in our relationship with her, men. So how do you find out, how do you determine whether or not a woman has these qualities? How do you determine whether or not this crucial issue is in place in her life?

12:33 What do you look? What do you see that? What do you measure that or examine it? Three main areas. First and foremost, she must be submissive to Christ. That's first. Look at verse 22. Wives, be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord. She must be submissive to Christ. She has to be. And this goes without saying, but let me say it anyway. Last week we talked about how ridiculous and unbiblical it is for a woman to even consider marrying a man who is not a believer. It is simply not biblical. The Bible is clear, black and white, no wiggle room on that whatsoever. The same is clear here. If we are going to marry a woman, if we are followers of Christ, that woman must be submissive to Christ. That woman must be a believer. She must be a Christian.

13:24 But beyond that, she must be a Christian who walks in submission to Christ. We see that from the context of the book of Ephesians. The book of Ephesians has two halves. The first three chapters of the first half of the book is about orthodoxy. It's about right believing. The next half of the book of Ephesians, from chapter 3 on through chapter 6, is about orthopraxy, right behaving. Right smack dab in the middle of it, chapter 4 and verse 1, he gives you the heading of the next half of the book. When he says, Therefore, I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love. So in other words, in the first half of this book, I've shown you what it means for you to become a Christian. I've shown you what it means theologically for you to have that relationship with Christ.

14:19 In the second half of this book, there's that word, therefore. Because this is true about you, because you have a relationship with Christ, here's how you must live. And right in the middle of his discussion, in the second half of the book of Ephesians, which is about how you must live as a Christian, are these statements about husbands and wives.

14:44 She must be submissive to Christ. She must live a life that is a life of obedience to the word of God. She must live a life that says, I belong to Jesus Christ. She must have a walk with God that bears the fruit of true repentance and true regeneration. She must be a believer. She must be submissive to the Lord. There are no two ways about this. This is incredibly important. First and foremost, that's where we have to go. And again, there's no wiggle room on this. It doesn't say that, you know, she has to be able to say that, you know, she grew up in the right kind of home. No, that's not what it says. The last three chapters of this book is not about you having grown up in the right home, but it's about the kind of behavior that characterizes people who truly belong to Christ. Secondly, not only must she be submissive to Christ But she must be submissive to the authority That God has placed in her life Now this comes specifically from the context of this passage that we're looking at Go with me for a moment here Verse 22, wives be subject to your own husbands as to the Lord Now that word be subject in your Bibles ought to be italicized The reason it's in italics is because the verb is not there in the Greek.

16:09 But that word's put there so that you can understand the continuity of the phrase. Now, that verb is borrowed from verse 21. Verse 21 says, be subject to one another in the fear of Christ. Now, here's the problem with going back to verse 21. Because a lot of people want to go back to verse 21 and say, see, now we get to verse 21 and we can see this whole thing about marriage. The problem with that is 21 is at the end of a paragraph. And when you're doing proper biblical interpretation, you don't go to the end of a paragraph. You go to the beginning of a paragraph, which means if we're to understand this context, we got to go all the way back to Ephesians chapter 5 and verse 15. Trust me, we're going somewhere. When you get back to Ephesians chapter 5 and verse 15, you see three sets of threes, three contrasts, three commands, and then three contexts where those commands are lived out. When you get that, it sort of pops the whole picture into view. Look at the beginning of verse 15.

17:01 Therefore, be careful how you walk, not as unwise men, but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. Contrast number one. Don't walk as unwise, but walk as wise. Verse 17. So then, do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is. Contrast number two. Don't be foolish, understand the Lord's will. Here's contrast number three in verse 18. Do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit. On the third contrast, we get three commands where he shows us how to be filled with the Spirit. Look with me, if you will, beginning in verse 19. Speaking to one another in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your hearts to the Lord. Now, it's safe to say, if a person is a worshipful person, because that's what we're talking about there. If a person is a worshipful person, that would be an indication that they're submitted to the Spirit of God. That they're filled with the Spirit of God. If a person is not a worshipful person, there's probably an indication that that person is not filled with the Spirit and is not yielding to the Spirit of God.

18:00 Fair enough? Look at the second one. Verse 20. Always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father. If a person is prayerfully thankful, that would be an indicator that that person is yielding to the Spirit of God. That would be an indicator that that is a Spirit-filled person. If a person is not prayerful And is not thankful Probably an indication that that person Is not filled with the Spirit Last one, now verse 21 And be subject to one another in the fear of Christ Show me a person Who properly submits to the authority That God has placed in their life I'll show you a person who's submitting to the will And the Spirit of God Show me a person that is not respectful Of the authority that God has placed in their life And I'll show you somebody who more than likely is not submitting to the Spirit of God. This is what it means to be Spirit-filled. Three contrasts, three commands.

18:54 Now, three contexts where we live out that command. Wives to husbands, children to parents, servants to masters. So, show me a person who is not submissive at the place where they work, servants to masters, employees, employees. Show me a person who is not submissive to the authority that God has placed over them in their place of work. I'll show you somebody's probably not yielding to and filled with the Spirit of God. Show me a child who is not submissive to the parents in their home that God has placed there as their authority, and I'll show you a child who's probably not yielding to or submissive to the Spirit of God. Show me a woman who's not submissive to her husband. I'll show you a woman who is not walking in submission to the Spirit of God. So here's the question. We're not married to her, and we're trying to see that she properly submits to these levels of authority that God places in her life. So what do we look for?

19:48 Number one thing you look for, her relationship with her father. Amen. See her with her father. Watch a woman with her father. You will learn a great deal. Amen. Watch her with her father and take notes. Amen. Watch her with her father and her mother. and take real good notes because you will see whether or not there's an attitude of submission there. Now, I know when I say this because usually when we talk to submission, here's what everybody wants to do. And I know it because I get emails and letters from all over the place. Here's what we want to do. We want to go to the worst possible case scenario and begin there. And so we say, well, what if her father was the kind of man who told her that he wanted her to stop breathing? Should she then stop breathing and die in order to submit?

20:40 Come on. the context here is our obedience to Christ. And so we don't do things that people ask us to do that will be in direct violation to the law of God. So we got that clear, okay? That's not what we're talking about here. We're not talking about voluntarily and gladly subjecting ourselves to the most abusive situations imaginable. Now that we've gotten that clear, let's look here at what God's really talking about in this situation where marriage reflects the relationship between Christ and his church. The kind of submission that he's talking about is a respect and an honoring of those whom God has placed in those positions of authority. It is a respect for that position and an honoring of that position even when you don't necessarily have respect or honor for the person.

21:36 That's what that's about. I spent most of my life dealing with issues of abandonment, dealing with issues of my father not being there. He died April 24th of this year.

21:56 And his wife tells me he wants me to do his funeral. my wife looks at me through tear stained eyes and she says what are you going to do and I said I'm going to honor my father if that's what he wanted that's what I'll do I'm going to honor him and so I don't stand up here because a lot of people hear something like this and they say oh yeah well that's easy for you to say because I'm sure you had these ideal parents and these ideal authority figures in your life. No. Nor did my wife have those.

22:44 And this is not about airing dirty laundry, but I'll tell you what she'd tell you herself. My father-in-law, her father, hasn't called our house one time in the 17 years we've been married. Not on a birthday, not on an anniversary, not for anything.

23:04 And I'm in awe of the way that she honors his position and respects his position even when it's difficult to respect and honor the person. So she must be submissive to Christ and she must be submissive to the authority that God has placed in her life. That doesn't mean that she's a doormat Don't hear that because I didn't say it But it means that she honors that position Or those positions Thirdly She must be submissive to the biblical picture of marriage She has to be submissive to the biblical picture of marriage Because here's what often times happens Again, this whole series is about marriage by design. And so many times what happens is we have our own picture of what marriage is.

24:02 And so most of us, we grow up in homes and we do one of two things. Either we look at our parents' marriage and we say, I want that and I'm going to go reproduce that when I get married. Or we look at our parents' marriage and we say, I hate that and I'm going to go and do the exact opposite when I get married. Okay? Usually what happens though is our default position is either to run toward or run away from what we saw in our own home and our own experience. And so we have this picture in our minds of what marriage is supposed to be, what marriage is about, and that's what we run after passionately. But what we've looked at over these last three weeks is God is the one who designed marriage. So if our picture of marriage contradicts God's design for marriage, we are in trouble. And we will constantly be fighting against God in order to make our marriage what we want it to be.

25:02 So what she must be submissive to is the biblical portrait of marriage. And this is difficult. And this is where we get even more controversial. And now with fear and trembling, I turn to Titus chapter 2. And I want you to hear this in Titus 2. We've all heard about the Titus 2 woman. Listen to what the Titus 2 woman is all about. Titus chapter 2, beginning verse 3. Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips, nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children to be sensible, pure, workers at home kind, being subject to their own husbands so that the word of God will not be dishonored. We don't like that.

26:01 You don't have to tell me. I know we don't like that. I know we hear that and we think, oh man, that's just so old-fashioned. That's just so oppressive. That's just this. That's just that. That's the word. Teach these younger women, please, teach them to love their husbands, to love their children, to be pure, sensible, to be workers at home, keepers at home. Teach them, please, to be subject to their own husbands. Why? So that the word of God will not be dishonored. Because when we pursue our picture of marriage and not the biblical picture of marriage, we dishonor the word of God. Can I make this more specific? I want to read you some statements about my wife. Because we do, I know we have problems with this. But you're going to have probably more problems with some of the statements that I read. But bear with me because we're going somewhere here.

26:57 When we look at this biblical portrait of marriage, I want to read these statements to you about my wife. Bridget is a talented, well-educated woman who has dedicated her gifts, talents, abilities, and education to our family. All of that stuff. Brilliant woman. Honors college graduate. And she's dedicated all of that to our family.

27:25 Bridget is committed to supporting me and helping me accomplish my goals. That's what she's about. She's committed to that, to undergirding me, supporting me, and helping me accomplish my goals. Bridget shares her opinion behind closed doors, but in public, we are a united front, and she does not contradict me in front of others. I praise God for this. Every time I see women do it. Every time I see women, I just want to grab my wife and just kiss her flesh in the mouth. Every time I see women do it, contradicting their husbands in public and insulting their husbands in public, saying things to just down their husbands in public. I praise God for this incredible blessing. When we get behind closed doors, Let me go to the next one. Bridget is committed to doing whatever she can to advance my vision for our family.

28:20 She's committed to doing whatever she can to advance my vision for our family. Sometimes that includes that input that we have behind closed doors. But she's committed to that. Finally, Bridget has shunned all of the career opportunities in order to give her full attention and devotion to our family. now you hear that and I want you to marinate on it for a moment just react to it on the inside for a moment okay because again you feel something about this you hear that and for some you hear that and you're kind of going see that's just I knew he was going to do that I knew he was going to talk about that I knew he was going to talk about this low view of women and yeah they need to be barefoot and pregnant and don't leave the home and it's not the other first of all I didn't say any of that but go ahead and react however you want to react to this, because I'm getting ready to read it again. The exact same statements, but I'm changing the characters. I want to talk to you about Condoleezza Rice. Listen, exact same statements.

29:29 Dr. Rice is a talented, well-educated woman who has dedicated her gifts, talents, abilities, and education to the Bush administration. Second statement, Dr. Rice is committed to supporting the president and helping him accomplish his goals. Third statement, Dr. Rice shares her opinions behind closed doors, but in public, she and the president are a united front, and she does not contradict the president in front of others. Next statement, Dr. Rice is committed to doing whatever she can to advance the president's vision for the Bush administration. Final statement. Dr. Rice has shunned all other career opportunities in order to give her full attention and devotion to the Bush administration. Condoleezza Rice does it and she's a hero. My Bridget does it and women are offended. Why? Because we have a low view of marriage. We have no idea how important the institution marriage is no concept no vision of what it takes of what's involved of the level of investment and of what an honor it is and we have a low view of what it means to be a wife and to be a mother oh I hear what you're saying yeah but you know that's that's your household you're talking about dr. rice and that's the nation that's the country really here's what's interesting there's another woman involved in the scenario this woman was in the White House before this woman's husband was the president she devoted her life to him and he got there this woman's son is now the president she devoted her life to him and he got there her son was the governor of the great state of Texas she's got another son who's the governor of the state of Florida because of her investment in her family that's two governors two presidents and the head of the CIA who

31:40 were all influenced directly by the commitment of a woman who valued her home above all else Now, here's what I didn't say. I didn't say that every woman who has a job is going to die and go to hell. it's not what I said folks please don't miss this because so many times when we talk about things that are politically incorrect we respond to them from that place in us where we're just ready to pounce I didn't say that that's not the point that I made my point is about the incredible value of the family the incredible worth of the family that's what my point was about not to denigrate anything else. Here's what I also didn't say. I didn't say that everybody has to operate the way that we operate. That's not what I said.

32:44 Just like earlier, it's very important that you realize when we talk about this submission, I didn't say that that means you become a non-person. I didn't say that that means you lose your value. Quite the contrary. I don't know of a woman that I respect more That I value more That I think more highly of Than I do my wife and the mother of my children There is nothing in this world that she could possibly do That would make me more proud of who she is as a woman And the way that she has chosen to invest her life And her energy and her effort and her blood and her sweat and her tears. Nothing in this world. Her submission is voluntary.

33:40 It's got to be. Her submission is about order and not value. Truth be told, she's far more valuable to our family than I am. Her submission is not just to all men in general. It is to her husband. and I pray for you if you're out there and you're a young man who's looking for a wife I pray I pray that you get that but she must be submissive to Christ she must be submissive to the authority that God has placed over her and she must be submissive to the biblical portrait of marriage here's the beauty of it Remember I told you Those two main purposes Procreation Bringing children into this world And raising them in godliness and righteousness And illustration And that illustration is the relationship Between Christ and his church You ever wondered what the woman illustrates Through her submission Philippians chapter 2 Let this mind be in you That was also in Christ Jesus Who though Although he existed in the form of God, did not consider equality with God a thing to be grasped, but he emptied himself and took on the form of servant.

35:10 He was found in the likeness of men. And when he was found in the form of a man, he became obedient to the point of death, even death on the cross. therefore because of his submission therefore god has highly exalted him and given him a name that is above every name that at the name of jesus every knee should bow in heaven and on earth and under the earth and every tongue should confess that jesus christ is lord to the glory of god the father so he submits to the father he is glorified and when he's glorified it brings glory to the Father. That is what a woman models through her submission in a biblical marriage relationship. That's what she paints as a picture for the entire world to see. when my wife paints that picture it doesn't make me want to dominate her or use her or abuse her when she paints that picture for me it makes me want to do any and everything in my power to see to it that she has everything that she needs and everything she wants in order to become the woman that God has called her to be this is the beauty of submission before I leave ladies let me leave you with this a lot of you left last week and heard what he's supposed to be, and we're all excited about that.

36:49 Some of you took that and have taken that in other things in the past, and you've taken that to your husband, and you've gotten in his face and said, you need to lead this home. You need to lead this family. Did you hear that? That's what you need. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Can I help you, please? when you do that you're working against yourself because here's what you say to your husband when you do that to him you confront him and tell him what he needs to do he has two choices one is to obey you which means he gives up his headship the other is to disobey God congratulations you made him a loser no matter what he does Thank you. The other avenue, submission.

37:41 Here's where it's beautiful. Because we men, we're a lot like puppies. When you're training a puppy, what do you do? You lean down to that puppy, and when he does something right, you raise your voice a couple of octaves, and you say, That's a good boy. And he gets to wag in that tail and cannot wait for you to tell him something else to do so that you can be happy with him.

38:09 Ladies, if you want your man to step up and be all those things that the scripture says that he's supposed to be, choice number one is to work against yourself and challenge him and get in his face. Choice number two, catch him doing something right and say, that's your good boy.

38:29 He will break his neck trying to be all the things that he must be. That's the beauty of submission. that is the beauty and the power of submission it is not about being walked on it is about being a glorious example of christ as he submitted to the will of his father in order to redeem his people that's the picture that god's called you to paint

39:02 and that is what she must be let's pray Thank you. Father, as we bow, we say to you that we're grateful, so incredibly grateful to you, again, for not leaving us to wander aimlessly in the dark, hoping that we can figure this marriage thing out. but you've taught us clearly in your word how marriage is designed. And I pray that we would get beyond all of our hangups and beyond all of our political correctness, beyond all of our worst-case scenarios, and understand the beauty of this picture that you've painted of a man who loves his wife like Christ loved the church, laying down his life for her, and a woman who comes alongside him to submit to his leadership so that the two of them together can accomplish what neither of them could have done alone.

40:13 in bearing, training, raising, and unleashing godly children into the world and in painting a picture of the relationship between Christ and his church. Thank you for reminding us over these next few weeks of how beautiful it is when we have marriage by design.