Why You Keep Choosing The Wrong Person| Chad Veach

0:00 Hey, what's going on, everybody? Thank you so much for listening to this week's message from Zoe Church. We are in a series right now called Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places. We're going to jump into part two, open your Bibles to John 13. And before we jump in, I want to say thank you to every person that gives to and through Zoe Church. We are able to do I Love My City yesterday, serving almost a thousand people here in L.A. And today we are launching our South Bay location. And all of that happens through your generosity. So thank you for giving. But let's jump into this week's message called Mirror, Mirror on the Wall. Amen. Turn with me to John chapter 13. John 13. Go there in your Bible. Thank you, worship team. Clap for these guys doing a great job today. John 13.

0:51 Go there in your Bible. We started a brand new series last week about marriage and dating. So if you're single, this is for you. If you're married, this is for you. If you're not interested right now, this is preparation for your future. Some of you are like, I don't want to date right now. Don't worry, one day in about three years, you're gonna wanna date somebody, this message is for you. But we started this series last Sunday called Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places. And I just like that we got to identify that some of us, we've been looking for love in wrong places. Looking for love on social media, or we've been looking for love in relationships that are not going to do well for us. Been looking for validation and affirmation and attention. And living like a New England patriot.

1:48 When the Lord has called you to be a Seahawk, who am I preaching to right now? Hallelujah. Spirit of freedom just hit that gal. Amen. That's how you know she's single. Married people don't yell like that. Married people are like... but we want to look for love in the right place, and the best place for us to find true love is from God. We got to find our footing, find our foundation in the love of Jesus. Watch here, John 13, verse 34. It says, a new command I give to you, that you love one another as I have loved you. So you must love one another. By this, everybody will know, whether you're at West Adams, South Bay, or Highland Park, everybody will know that you are my disciple if you love one another.

2:53 So the way that someone knows that you're in a relationship with Jesus is not your bio on Instagram. It's not your political party. it is not your Christianese the way that people know that you follow God is by your love the one thing I've learned about love is I never give away what I do not have in fact I want to preach a message today write down the title it's called mirror mirror on the wall mirror mirror on the wall you ever you ever think you're doing pretty good with your outfit and then you go look in the mirror and you're like, okay, wait a second here. Okay, this mirror's broken. I do not weigh that much. Why do I look tired in this mirror? I don't feel tired. This mirror is saying that I got bags under my eye. This mirror is saying that my face is wearing what I ate last night. I hate this mirror. But the reality is that most of us, we get mad at them. We think our relationships are about those guys and what they did and what's wrong with them. But I have found that all my relationships are a reflection of me, not them. And instead of looking at what's wrong with others, I've got to first look at what's wrong with me. Because I cannot give away love until I first am wearing love, receiving love. So today, I just want to encourage you, write down number one today, relationships require receiving God's love before reflecting God's love how could you reflect something you have neglected to receive see if I want to if I want to give love by show of hands you want to be good at loving others come on let me just see your hand amen everybody's got their hand up if you want to love others your love for others is a reflection of how you love yourself How could you love yourself if you don't receive the love of God?

4:50 When I receive God's love, he forgives me. He heals me. He blesses me. He comforts me. He has compassion on me. He gives me, come on everybody, clap if you believe it today. South Bay, if I receive the love, then I can reflect the love. But if you're not good at reflecting, just a heads up, it's just a sign you're not good at receiving. You ever go to give somebody a hug and they're like, like okay calm down you're making me feel like i'm the weirdo around here just a christianese side hug a little room for the holy spirit why do i feel like the creep you got the problem you can't receive love but why would you ever expect to be able to reflect love if you're not disciplined and good at letting god love you he said a new command i give you that you love others the way i have loved you. And if you receive the love of God, you can give the love of God. Oh, I just love this because we think marriage, and by the way, I'm just, I'm talking about marriage because I think that the greatness witness, the greatest witness we have to the world is our marriage. The marriage tells the gospel story. It doesn't tell your love story. It tells the gospel story. The greatest witness to the world is a great marriage. A great marriage is not two empty people trying to fill each other's cup up. A great marriage is two filled people trying to fill each other's cup up.

6:23 But how could I help fill Julia's cup if my cup is not overflowing? See, I recognize the demand as a dad, the demand as a pastor, the demand as a husband. I've got to receive love so I can give love. Your reflecting is a result of your receiving. The first work of your life is to stand still and say, I know I'm broken. I know I'm flawed. I know I've got issues. I know I got trauma, but I will sit here and allow God to love me in spite of my humanity, in spite of my addiction, in spite of my sin. Oh, come on, everybody clap and thank God. If you're willing to allow God to love you right where you're at.

7:07 See, God loves you just the way you are today. He just leaves you way too much to leave you that way. He is gonna embrace you and hold you, mold you and shape you because God has a plan for your life. God has a dream for you. God has a vision for your future and he's not done with you yet. Come on, anybody believe that God's not done with your life? Everybody clap and thank God for that. how will God change you? Will it be through condemning you? Will it be through accusing you? Or will it be through loving you? God loves you. And as you receive his love, you can't help but give his love. When you receive the love of God, you're like, how could we not do? I love my city. Look at how much love God's given my life. How could I not go on a mission trip? God went on a mission trip to save my life? How could I not serve at church? God served me and washed me white as snow. How could I not love God? God poured out his love by sending the son, Jesus, to die on the cross for my sins. All of your reflecting is a result of your receiving. And if you receive God's love, you have a shot of giving God's love.

8:29 And then when you give love, if you notice, you're not looking to control your spouse or control your friends, control your fiance. You're looking to connect with this person. In fact, write down number two today, relationship, see connection grow when control dies. And a lot of us, we gotta be careful because we wanna control everything. We're control freaks. We wanna control the lighting. We wanna control the temperature. You ever just feel like you've got to get your temp at your house just right? No, it can't be set at 68 degrees. It's got to go up to 69 degrees. It's just like, that's a perfect sweet spot. Or the lighting. Anybody here love lighting in your house? I've got to get the mood lighting just right. Set some candles for Jesus. I've got to get the air right. I've got to get, and then any music lovers. Where are the music lovers at today? Oh, you know your boy loves some Sonos. Get me about four or five speakers in my house.

9:24 I want every speaker at the right temp. I mean, at the right volume. Because, you know, the speaker outside has got to be a different volume than the speaker in the kitchen. And the kitchen one's different than the family room. Who am I preaching to right now? But most of us, we want to control everything. The problem is you can't control people.

9:44 And you realize that when I try and control someone, I've lost my ability to connect with someone. The more I can connect, I just love this. Jesus didn't come to control the church. Jesus came to serve the church. And the reason why we're connecting with the presence of God is God didn't demand control over you. God desired relationship with you. He wants connection with you. Oh, I love this scripture. Look at Philippians. Philippians chapter two, do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. rather in humility, value others above yourself. Not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of others. Ephesians 5, 25, husbands, love your wives. All the women in the house said amen. Love your wife.

10:35 Just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. I'm telling you, the reason why the church, why we're in love with Jesus is he didn't come to control us. He came to connect with us. And the moment you have connection, that's real relationship. One of my favorite times of Jesus is preaching. He's preaching this crowd and he's preaching about the kingdom of God. And the Bible says half the crowd leaves. And he looks at his guys and he's like, guys, do y'all want to leave too? He's proving I do not control you. But if you allow me, I want to connect with you. I want to serve you. I want to love you. I want to unfold my plan for you. Come on, clap if you're grateful that you don't serve the God of God. You got free will. It's your decision to worship God. It's your decision to lift your hands. It's your decision to give your tithe today.

11:28 It's your decision to get into a connect group. God doesn't control you. God wants to connect with you. Put it on the screen. Jesus didn't dominate the church. He died for her. So what happens is we got to lose our control. Control has to do with ego. Control has to do with pride. Control has to do with what we want. Not our, not the other person's best interest, but our own, that's control. A controlling spirit. And whenever you see control, you see people lose the ability to serve and love and be gracious. I'll put this one on the screen. If apologies happen quickly, forgiveness flows freely. I was wrong. I'm sorry. I forgive you. How can I serve you?

12:20 I can hear Julia from South Bay saying amen right now. Her favorite sayings that I have. It's unhealed wounds, unspoken resentment, emotional neglect, and replacing intimacy with distraction that destroys connection.

12:43 Man, we used to be so connected. We used to be so on the same page. We used to be, man, we were going so good. We lost our connection. Nothing will destroy your life like unforgiveness when you stop forgiving the people that have hurt you in your life. And what I found about close relationships is nobody is going to hurt you more than your spouse. No one is going to hurt you more than the person you are closest with. And I've learned that a great marriage is made up of two great givers and forgivers. And the way that I receive God's forgiveness, I've gotta give God's forgiveness. I've gotta get not under my control. I've gotta get into my passion for connection and say, you know what? I was wrong. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? I'm preaching right to that camera right now. Julia, I'm kidding.

13:34 But you lose your relationship where you're like, I want control and I want all the power. And you ever see a couple that, is in power control? Instead of being in a power control, you should be in a serve competition because that's Jesus towards you. I'm going to wash your feet. I'm going to serve your future. I'm going to help your life. I'm going to bless your soul. Come on, clap if you believe it today. Jesus is not here to control you. He is here to connect with you and connection erodes when you try and control. By the way, single people, if you're dating somebody and you're looking to get with somebody, watch out for a controlling person. You want no part. If you're in a relationship with somebody that has an inability to give up or surrender control, that is a red flag warning that you got to pay attention to right now. You look for someone that wants to connect with you.

14:31 How are you? What's going on in your life? How is your soul? How is your spirit? How are you feeling right now? What do you need? Jesus didn't love us by control. Jesus loves us by connection. Why do we come today to church? Because we want to connect with his presence. We want to connect with his power. We want to connect with his love. We want to connect with his people. We want to connect with his word. We want to connect with his promises. Come on, clap a little bit louder. Even if you're at home, clap and thank God. I'm connecting with God. You lose that intimacy when connection goes out the window. It's just, I'm just trying to control, control everything in my life. I have no, I can't control me. How could I could try and control somebody else? my goal is not to control even God. My goal is to submit and to surrender and connect. And the more I'm connected with him, the easier it is to connect with someone else. When I lose that ability to connect with God, God, I just need to silence the noise and silence my radio or my Spotify and the TV and my phone, and I got to get connected with you. When I receive God's love, I can reflect God's love. And what happens is you start to walk in unity. You start to walk in unison. In fact, write this down. Number three, relationships gradually drift over time. It's never dramatic.

16:03 I'll never forget first time somebody in church, you know, I was meeting with a couple and they're like, we fell out of love. I was like, hold up. I didn't know you could fall in love. If you fell in love, you're gonna fall out of love. Remember, we don't build our relationships off emotions. We build our relationships off commitment. So it's not dramatic. It's not like, oh, we slowly drifted. One time, this one couple, me and Pastor Julie was trying to help this couple, and we're like, what's going on? They're like, oh, we just, we're not connected. We're not on the same page. We're not doing good. And we're like, what's going on? Well, you know, he sleeps at night. He sleeps in the kid's room and I sleep in the bedroom. I was like, we can solve a lot of your issues right now. Tonight, man of God, you're going to sleep in your bed, in your bedroom. Somebody say amen. See, it doesn't happen dramatically. It happens gradually. Over time, you just drift apart. Over time, you're not connected. Over time, you're not on the same page. Watch what the Bible says. Amos chapter three, verse number three. Can two walk together unless they are agreed? Look at the message translation. Do two people walk hand in hand if they're not going to the same place? No, no, no. We've got to get connected. We serve the Lord.

17:21 We go to church. We love God. We're raising our kids in the house of God. Come on, clap if you want a marriage that is united. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and his mother, and the two shall become one. We are one now. We are one in our bank account. Hello. We are one in the bed that we sleep in at night. We are one. We don't have different views. We're different people, but we work hard to be unified. And the devil himself loves to bring disunity, even in marriage, even in relationship. And if you're not careful, all of a sudden over time, it's just like we just drifted apart and we just drifted and now he sleeps in that room and now we got separate bank accounts and now I think the clippers are good and now it's like, that's Satan.

18:18 it's never dramatic. It's always gradual. You got to set your intention to say, you know what? I am committed to my husband or wife, and I will be faithful to try and connect. I will be faithful to serve. I will be faithful to be in agreement. Look at the next scripture, Hebrews chapter two, verse one, we must pay the most careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away. This is not just in our marriage. This is in our faith. Some of us have drifted so far away from God's plan for our life. We've drifted so far away from what we told God we would do with our life. It wasn't dramatic. It was gradual. But one moment I said, God, you are my everything.

19:18 I will serve you. You can have, you ever, you ever see like a young adult, a young adult's like, God, you can have it all. You can have my money. Old people never be praying that prayer. What does the young adult say? They have no money. You can have all my $21. God's like, you keep it. You're going to need it. but we drift. It's not dramatic. It's not dramatic. It's gradual. I drifted away from my, if you've drifted away from your relationship with God, how could you be close to the person you're in covenant with? It's a, it's a reflection of how you treat the way you treat God is how you're going to treat others. He said, be careful. Don't you get into that drift. Don't you get in that drift life where it's like three, five years later, man, I used to be involved. I used to worship. I used to serve. I used to read my Bible. I used to pray. I used to care about my purity. I used to love God. Where have I drifted? Don't let the enemy of your life get you convinced that you can gradually, slowly drift away from God and be okay. Somebody clap and thank him today. If you're going to be with intention, I will serve. I will be connected. I will be close to my God.

20:32 Oh, put it on the screen. Pray together. Worship together. Make decisions together. Agree on values together. What we do, we do together. Years ago, I was invited to go out on this tour to preach, and it was 17 cities across the country. And it was like worship for like three hours, and then I'd get to preach the word, and then at the end, Hillsong would lead the worship. They were the finale of the night, and when I got this invite, I was begging Julia, please come out on the road with me. Please come. I don't want to be out in Amarillo, Texas without you. I was like begging her, and so finally, I convinced her, and she came out with me. They gave me six bunks. The back half of the tour bus, they gave it to me, and so we took Julia, and our two boys and somebody to help us with these kids. Because y'all know during church, the greatest people are the kids workers.

21:29 Clap for Zoe Kids downstairs. Clap for Zoe Kids South Bay in the gym right now. And so I'll never forget. I finally, I convinced Julie to come out with me and we're out there and I brought our French press because I knew my queen in the morning, she gonna need her coffee. So I brought our French press and we got all in the bunks assigned to us. and Mavie boy was just, he's a little guy, just small little guy. And we put him in the back, there's a back living room in the back of the tour bus. We put Mav in his playpen back there to sleep. And the first morning we woke up. Now, remember, I got the back half six bunks. The first half six bunks are all the production people. And can I just acknowledge, can we thank God for all the production people at our church today? Thank God for you. At South Bay, come on, clap. We got people on the broadcast downstairs. So it's production dudes and my family on a bus.

22:25 The first morning we wake up, Julia goes to make the coffee and our French press breaks. We are already in a disaster. She breaks the French press. She, I'm sorry, I broke the French press. And then she's so upset. We go to the back to get mad to see how he slept and the door to get to the back living room is locked. It's stuck and we can't move it. So we're down on coffee and we've lost a child, which I'm fine with. I always thought we'd do better with less kids, but we've lost coffee and children. It's the first morning and I could just see it in her eyes. She is not well. She is not good. I was like, baby, lock in. Come here, come here, come on. I was like, sweetie, no, no, come on. Look at me and you. I was like, I am going to find you a Starbucks right now.

23:16 Hold on. I'm going to find you a Starbucks right now. And she's like, I want to go home. I don't like this. I was like, Amarillo's beautiful, babe. but we made a value we made a commitment that what we do we do together how can two people walk unless they're in agreement where does agreement come from i agree first with god's word and god's ways i agree first with what the bible says and as god leads me i reflect it in my home. And I say to my wife, we're going to do things God's way. Whatever God's about, we're about. And we're going to do these things together. We're not going to drift apart from each other. We're going to be unified for there is a commanded blessing. Come on, clap and thank God today. I don't need to control anybody. I got to connect with my spouse. And the more I'm connected, the more unified we are. Man, it feels good to be unified. Married people know the feeling of this. Ain't nothing worse than being disconnected from your significant other. Ain't nothing better than being on the same page. Just being like, are you thinking what I'm thinking? You read my mind.

24:31 In and out tonight. Double, double. How did you know? Ain't nothing better than, ain't nothing worse than being like, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Chipotle tonight. She's like, what? what so you've got to get on the same page you think it's hard now dating people you're going to find what we agree about we're going to agree on God God is going to be the foundation of our friendship the foundation of our home the foundation of our marriage by the way married people. If you're not building your life on the rock, it's going to crumble in due time. We agree first on what God says. Then we find ways to agree about money, about serving, about time, about trips. I got to find a way to connect with my spouse. I got to find a way to not gradually drip. My prayer out of today is that you'd leave church with a greater purpose and a greater passion. What's greater than having purpose and passion. Because I'm telling you, when you encounter the presence of God, you leave his presence filled with purpose, and you leave God's presence filled with passion.

25:44 Any purpose-filled people here today that have purpose from God, any passionate people that have passion for God, come on everybody, clap and thank him today. I'm filled with purpose, and I'm filled with passion. When you lose purpose, and you lose passion in a relationship, you just drift, and it's like, yeah, you can sleep in the kid's room. I'll sleep over here. And you go on that trip, and I'll go on this trip. And you do that with your money, and I'm going to go over here with my money. And you live that life, and that's your career, and I'm going to live this life. No, no, no. You understand how you go. Fast forward that three, five years. Where are you going to be, and where are they going to be? The two shall become what? What are we? We're one. And so everything about walking in a godly relationship is coming together to walk together. What we do, we do what? Together. It's like this story. I heard about this cheesy story, but this old dude was driving in his pickup truck. He's been married to his wife for like 40, 50 years, and he's driving and she starts complaining and she's like, you know, she starts just giving him grief. She's like, we used to cuddle and we used to kiss and we used to, she's giving him the business. She's just like, we used to, and we used to, and she's just telling him off, and he's driving, old guy's driving a truck, you know, and he's like, he's like, well, let's say her name's Margaret, he's like, well, Margaret, doesn't it sound fitting?

27:08 he's like well Margaret if yeah he goes so stupid he goes if you haven't noticed I haven't moved in 50 years what he was trying to say is you used to sit next to me and we used to be close and cuddly and we used to love each other but slowly over time you moved away from me I'm praying over your relationship, that you don't gradually drift away from the person that you made a covenant, commitment to, in sickness and in health, in rich or for poor, till death do us part. Come on, everybody, clap and thank him today. It's never dramatic. It's gradual. It's a gradual. I just stopped going to church. Well, how long you been out of church? Three years. I stopped serving. When are you going to get involved again?

28:03 I don't know. It's never dramatic. It's always gradual. And it stems out of a relationship with God. It results in a relationship with others. If I'm good with God, it's easy to be good with others. Come on, somebody say amen. Great relationships, write down the last one. Worship team, come join me. Great relationships require great intention. intention oh if i could sing i'd do usher right now these are my intentions this is my intention never mind the rest of the song's bad but i would do intentional intentions what you got to set your intention great relationships don't happen accidentally great community doesn't show up at your doorstep you got to text somebody you're gonna you're gonna sign up you're gonna make yourself vulnerable. Great relationships require great intention. And so my question to you is, who are you intentional with today? Who is worthy of your intention? And I'm just praying that if you're married, the person that's worthy of it second is your spouse. Make no apologies. We love God more. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength. Come on, clap if you believe that Jesus is first. And so I set intention. Why do I set my intention with God? Because God set his intention with me. Think about how intentional heaven is with your life. You woke up this morning to fresh baked mercy. Because of the steadfast love of the Lord, you're not consumed by his wrath. His mercies are new every morning. Oh, I'm telling you, heaven is intentional with you. God's got surprises for you. God's got plans for you. God's got goodness and mercy for you all the days of your life. God's got a blessing. God's got vision. God's got dream.

29:59 Anybody thankful today that God is not accidental with his faithfulness? God is intentional. Clap if you believe it. Come on, clap if you're thankful. God, thank you for being intentional. how intentional is God when you leave to drift he leaves the 99 to go find you intentionally by intention he pulled you out of that pit by intention he put your feet on a rock by intention he put a new song in your mouth everything about heaven is intentional so my intention with others is only that I'm aware of how intentional God is with me and great relationships require great intention nobody falls in love nobody falls out of love it's a decision it is a commitment it is a covenant i'm just believing for some of us today we wake up and go where have i drifted off to why have i been trying to control this other person.

31:03 Nothing takes out relationships like unforgiveness and victimhood. unforgiveness and victimhood. I've been hurt. I've been wounded. I've been disappointed. I've been let down. And I don't know if I can forgive you for the things that you said. I don't know if I can forgive you for the things that you've done.

31:32 I don't know if I can forgive you for what happened three years ago. Nothing will destroy you more than unforgiveness and victimhood. Victimhood is going, you know, they, those guys, them, they would have never.

31:55 You want to know what allows me to get over my unforgiveness and my victimhood? The Lord's Prayer.