Finding the Love of Your Life - Part 3

0:37 So, no uncontrolled anger, no addictions, no bitterness. Number five, whoever I marry must not be selfish. not selfish why? Proverbs 28, 25 says this, selfish people cause trouble would you circle that star it, underline it, put an arrow toward it, a Reno sign you know it's pointing you know selfish people cause trouble so you just look in your day, does he ever open the door for you?

1:16 do they only talk about themselves when you're together? You know, when somebody talks about themselves a day, sometimes that's fascinating. It's kind of cute. It's kind of interesting. After you get married, it wears off real quick. Can you talk about something else besides your hair or your car or your dream or, you know, can you talk about anything else? the Bible says selfish people cause trouble the number one cause of conflict in marriage when you boil it all down how do you keep conflict out of marriage simple, get rid of selfishness conflict comes because I want what I want you want what you want we're both selfish and neither one of us are willing to budge it's immaturity it's selfish and the more unselfish I am then the more we're going to get along the more unselfish you're going to be because it responds back to each other don't go with a selfish man Proverbs 18 verse 1 people who do not get along with others are only interested in themselves they will disagree with what everyone else knows is right don't point at them right now please people who don't get along with others only interested in themselves they make their living by being opposite don't selfish now the next one this one may surprise you but it's a non-negotiable the person I marry cannot be greedy that's what the Bible says I'm only teaching you what the Bible says and if you want a peaceful marriage you want a successful marriage, don't marry a greedy man.

3:10 Don't marry a greedy woman. Proverbs 15, 27. A greedy man does what? Brings trouble to his family. I would encourage you maybe to do a study on this. The damage the greed does to love. The damage the greed does to marriage. The damage the greed does to children. It does to families. If you marry a greedy spouse, you will be in debt your entire life. you will always be in debt because they will always spend things, money they don't have, to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't even like.

3:49 You will always be in debt in your marriage if you marry a greedy person because they don't know how to live within a budget. They don't know how to live on less. I gotta have it and I gotta have it now. I'm gonna live within my means even if I have to charge it. Proverbs 23 verse 6 takes it even more blatant. Don't eat at the table of a stingy person. I guess that means not going out to dinner.

4:17 Don't eat at the table of a stingy person. Don't hang out with those kind of people. Now, one of the clearest signs of emotional health, this is now we're getting on the opposite side, is the opposite of the last two. selfish and greedy. The Bible says run from that. If you see selfishness, she's always talking about her. She's only interested in her. He's only interested in him. Or they're greedy. They're very materialistic. If they're very materialistic, the Bible says run. The opposite of that, two of the ultimate signs of emotional health are generosity and kindness.

4:58 Generosity and kindness. And so that's the next one. clearest sign of emotional health is they must be generous and kind. Are they generous and are they kind? Now why do I want to marry somebody who's generous? Why is that important? Why do I want to marry somebody who's kind? Well, look at what the Bible says. A generous man will prosper. Do you want to marry a guy who prospers? Then you better marry a generous man. A generous man will prosper. he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed. They're also far easier to get along with. But also kindness. Proverbs 11, 17. A kind-hearted woman gains respect and a kind man benefits himself. But cruel people bring trouble. There's that word again, trouble, on themselves. Notice, greed brings trouble.

5:51 Selfishness brings trouble. Bitterness brings trouble. Addictions bring trouble. but generosity and kindness that brings benefit it brings prosperity it brings respect I only got time for one more an emotionally healthy person tells the truth tells the truth An emotionally healthy person tells the truth. Proverbs 20 verse seven. Why do I want to marry a person who tells the truth? Because the Bible says this. A righteous person lives on the basis of his integrity and his children will be blessed even after he is gone. You want your children to be blessed? Then you marry somebody who tells the truth. now why is this so important everybody look up here love is based on trust and trust is based on truth if you don't tell me the truth I can't trust you and if I can't trust you how can I love you guys if you lie to a girl that you're dating you're going to lie to your wife later on Thank you.

7:05 Girls, if a guy's lying to you about what he's doing right now, he's going to lie to you even more when he's married. I'm doing this because I want to protect you. Don't marry somebody who doesn't have integrity. But when you find somebody who's got integrity, the Bible says that's going to bring blessing not only on you and your marriage, but on your kids too. Even after they die. Now, did you notice in this entire list there was not one word about appearance? Did you notice that? Not one word about how they look. How sexy. You know, is she Susie Swivelhips?

7:59 You know, I mean, a hunk, a hunk of burning love. All right? Now, our culture teaches the exact opposite what the Bible teaches. Our culture teaches you that the number one thing you need in marriage is you need to be sexy. You need to be good looking. Our entire society is built on the idea that you marry somebody beautiful. And that if you marry somebody who is attractive, then your marriage is going to be great. And you're going to be happy. And they're going to meet every need in your life. Now friends, if that were true, the marriages that would last the longest would be Hollywood marriages. Because they're all better looking than all of us. It has zero to do with the success of your marriage.

8:53 Because I hate to tell you this, you're not going to stay sexy forever. Unless you're me. All right. Now. The Hollywood myth is that all you need to get married is romantic feelings, sexual attraction, want to get rid of your loneliness, and then that'll be it. Everything will be great. No, it won't. Those are not the reasons to marry. You may be tired of being noticed or not noticed. And you want to be noticed. Somebody pays you a little attention. You think, well, I should marry this person. They're paying me attention. No. Do you have spiritual unity?

9:46 Do you have life purpose compatibility? Are they emotionally healthy? These aren't reasons enough to marry. She's good looking and paying me attention. I could probably get a baboon to do that too. You say, well, come on, Rick. I'm not sure if I'll ever find anybody who fits this. Oh, really?

10:12 I did. And you can too. When Kay and I got married, Leonard Ravenhill, who was a great preacher of the previous generation, sent us a wedding card. I've never forgotten. He said this, God always gives his best to those who leave the choice to him. I wanted God's best in my life, and I got it. And I wasn't going to settle for somebody who was... When I was in school, I was pretty popular. I was class president every year and student body president. From eighth grade, seventh grade, through my freshman year college, I was president every single year. I was a party animal. and I dated a lot of really cute girls any of them would have been disastrous would have been disastrous for me because we didn't have these issues and to build it simply on sexual attraction the feeling of being noticed the fear of loneliness wanting to be loved we share a lot in common we're having fun those are all great things but they're not enough to build a marriage on.

11:28 And that's why one out of every two and a half marriages ends in divorce. I want to remind you again, a bad marriage is a thousand times worse than staying single. Now, as we've gone through this list, some of you may have realized you're currently dating somebody who would be a disaster to marry. What do you do?

11:55 Run, that's right, run. The fact is, the longer you date somebody, the more painful it's going to be to break up. I would encourage you to try to figure out in the first two dates, do they fit this situation here? Any of these here? Look for these things. So I would suggest that maybe on some of your early dates you spend more time talking than you do watching a movie.

12:24 Because if you get into a relationship over a long period of time, the longer you're in it, the more painful it's gonna be to get out of it. Anybody wanna agree with that one? Yeah. The longer you're in it, the more painful it is to get out of it. So you wanna find out quickly, do we have spiritual unity? Eh. We got purpose unity? Eh. Emotionally healthy? Ha ha ha. I mean, he's got biceps, but forget it, man. That's about all he's got. Okay. All right, he dresses nice. Yeah, well.

13:06 Let me give you some ending advice. Proverbs 6, look here on the screen. This is a passage actually talking about financial commitment, but it applies here too. If you have trapped yourself in an agreement called dating, and you're caught by whatever you said, quick, get out of it immediately. Swallow your pride. Go and get your name released. Don't put it off. Do it now. Don't rest until you do.

13:35 Shoot, blame me. Pastor Rick told me to do it. I don't mind being the heavy. Proverbs 28, 23 on the screen. In the end, people appreciate frankness more than flattery. So what I suggest you do is you don't keep prolonging a relationship that you know is going nowhere. If you know it's going nowhere, don't continue it. Well, I won't have anybody to take me out on Friday night. A bad marriage is a million times worse than not going out on Friday night. And the longer you're in a relationship, the more difficult it's going to be to get out of it. Does that make sense?

14:22 So kind of size them up quickly. Write these down. Put them on a little card. Pull them out the first date. Let me ask you this question. Do you have uncontrolled anger? No, I don't. Are you selfish? Can we talk about me?

14:48 Are you greedy? Would you pick up the tab? You can figure this one out pretty quick. You don't have to be that blunt, but if you want to get married, God bless you. The Bible says, he who finds a wife findeth a good thing. It's a good blessing. It is a blessing. There's a blessing of God. you need to begin a personal relationship with Jesus Christ yourself if you haven't done that you need to start there you need to get spiritually connected to God get that third leg of the stool already in your life and then I want to challenge all of you tonight to commit yourselves to God's standard I will not let oceans of emotion sway me into making a stupid decision I mean given the right situation, as I said, you can get a quiver in your liver. that thrills me and you fall in love with the idea of being in love but don't make a stupid decision don't date until your own emotional hurts are healed or at least in the healing process I remember marrying a couple many many years ago here at Saddleback about five years later we had them over for dinner and the woman told me she said you know Rick when I walked down that aisle in that white dress, she said, I had no idea that I was carrying an entire bag of emotional garbage on my back.

16:21 And I took all that garbage into a marriage. Friends, marriage does not create problems. It reveals them. You need to write that one down. Marriage doesn't create problems. It reveals them. The problem was already there in you or in your boyfriend or girlfriend. It was already there. And the more you can deal with it before you get married, the happier marriage is gonna be, the more God-honoring it's gonna be, the more fulfilling it's gonna be. And you will have that deep soul intimacy that is personal, it is relational, it is sexual, it is spiritual. It is the oneness that comes from being unified in our relationship to God, our relationship to our purpose, our relationship to our calling, our relationship to each other.

17:15 discover and clarify your mission first. Get involved in a church. If you're not a part of Saddleback Church, welcome. We welcome you to be a part of Saddleback now. You're not gonna go find what you want sitting at home, and you're not gonna go find it in a singles bar either. Go slow. Find out all you can about their family background. and then once you've decided to get married get premarital counseling there's so much more I could say but our time's up let's bow our heads Father, we've got all kinds of needs represented here in this place. We've got some marriage couples who are struggling with their relationships.

18:03 They're single adults who've been hurt in a previous marriage. They're those who'd love to be married, but the opportunity hasn't arisen. Regardless of our situation, help us to realize that what we need most is to turn to you, Jesus, and follow your instructions.

18:24 Help us to realize we always create unnecessary problems when we ignore what you tell us to do. And it's very clear what you've told us to do. Who to avoid in life. and there are marriages that are represented here tonight that are hurting because there's no spiritual oneness but there are also a lot of single adults here who have the ache of loneliness in their heart I love them Lord this church loves them, we love them and I thank you for bringing them to our church family and as a pastor of this flock I ask you to bring healing to my flock bring healing to those of my family here who are hurting and bring hope to those who feel hopeless right now of ever getting married you are a miracle working God and I ask you to make some miraculous changes in people's lives and in their relationships today and for those who need the courage to end a relationship that's going nowhere help them to speak the truth in love that in the end people appreciate frankness more than flattery now you pray say father I I need your help in my relationships but first I need you to work on me so we've gone through this list there's some stuff I need to work on you know where I'm insecure you know where I ache you know where I hurt you know where I need to heal and change and you know the needs that only you can meet in my life and I want to trust you to be my savior not some man and not some girl I want to trust you to be my savior not anybody else help me to clarify my life purpose the reason you put me on this earth Help me to build spiritual partnerships, to connect with other believers.

20:32 Thank you for bringing me to this great church family. If you're married here tonight, I ask you to just pray, Lord, help me to build spiritual oneness with my spouse. and for those of you who are single say Lord today I commit to your standards for choosing a mate if I ever decide to marry I want to do it your way and on your terms and I pray this in Jesus name Amen If you just prayed to receive Jesus, congratulations. We would love to send you some free materials to help you along on your spiritual journey. Just email rick at pastorrick.com. That's rick at pastorrick.com.

21:27 Right now, here's Pastor Rick to tell you how you can help support this ministry. There are nearly 8 billion people on this planet, and God wants us to reach every one of them with the gospel. Jesus said, go and make disciples of all nations,