Unlocking the Marriage Matrix - Part 1

0:02 Everybody longs for deep, lasting love, but strong relationships don't just happen by accident. Today on Pastor Rick's Daily Hope, we're continuing our series called Finding and Keeping the Love of Your Life. Rick Warren will share practical, biblical wisdom for building healthier, stronger, Christ-centered relationships. So whether you're single, dating, engaged, or married, this series will help you grow in love, communication, and lasting commitment. Okay, let's jump right in. Here is part one of a message called Unlocking the Marriage Matrix. So I went out this week and I actually looked up the word matrix in the dictionary and discovered that the matrix is a dozen different things. It's over a dozen different definitions and usages. For instance, did you know that the matrix is the formative tissue around your toenail? I thought that was called fungus.

0:57 But it's a matrix. Did you know that the matrix is the solid matter in which fossils are embedded? That's called the matrix. The matrix is a metal plate used for old type style setting. The matrix is the primary metal in an alloy. For instance, iron is the matrix of steel. And the matrix is the connection between inputs and outputs in a computer. But as I read through these dozen different definitions of the matrix, I discovered several that sounded vaguely like marriage. For instance, the matrix is an intersection of two opposites. Sounds like marriage to me. The matrix is a relationship into which something new develops. Sounds like marriage to me. The matrix is a binding substance that keeps two things together. Sounds like marriage to me. Now the Bible doesn't call marriage a matrix, but it does call marriage a mystery. Look at the verse at the top of your outline, Ephesians 5, 31 and 32.

1:56 It says, a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. There's the matrix, united into one. And this is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. Now, some of you think, well, if marriage is a matrix, is it real or an illusion? And that's really a pretty good question because in today's culture, is it possible anymore for two people to so love each other that they would spend their entire lives together? Is it possible that two could be so bound together, so bonded together in a marriage, that nothing can separate them except death? Is that possible? we're going to look at that for the next several weeks. Now, I know what some of you single adults are saying, it's time for me to go to another church for a month.

2:49 And I beg you, please don't do that for three reasons. Number one, you know some married people who are going to need this material and you could counsel them. Number two, you might get married someday in the future. And number three, even if you don't, you still need to learn as an adult the relational skills that are applied to every relationship, not just marriage. What we're going to talk about has application not just to marriage, but to every single relationship in your life. Now what I want to do today is first identify the six keys to unlocking the marriage matrix. And this is kind of an index to where we're going in the days ahead that we'll be looking at in more detail. And you're going to hear some amazing stories that are an example of these keys. And then number two, I want you to do a little self-identification, self-evaluation. You know, in physical health, it's good to get an annual physical checkup. And in your finances, it's good to do an annual review of your finances. And in a job, it's good to get an annual performance review.

3:59 And even in government, we get an annual state of the union message. Well, this morning, I want us to look at the state of your union, your marriage. And I want you to do a little marriage checkup. And on each of these keys, I want you to honestly evaluate yourself. How am I doing? Does this need work? You write an NW next to the point. Is this okay? You write an okay. Now, God's ideal for your marriage is harmony and unity and intimacy. But that's the ideal, and most of us don't stay there. We go from the ideal, and pretty soon marriage is an ordeal, and eventually we're looking for a new deal. and let's make a deal. But that's not God's goal. God's goal is that you have these six keys that unlock the potential of your marriage for it to become all God wants it to be.

4:53 Pastor Lance is going to give us the first key. The first key that we're going to look at in the marriage matrix is the key of communication. Communication. Now that's a given. All of us know that communication is important in every relationship, but we also know that it's a big problem. Proverbs 13, 17 says, reliable communication permits progress. If you want to make progress in your relationship, you have to learn how to talk to each other. We know from studies that have been done, 85% of all marriage problems include some kind of communication breakdown. And you know it in your relationship, I know it in mine. Reminds of the guy I saw the other day wearing the t-shirt that said, if a man speaks in the forest and his wife isn't there to hear him, is he still wrong? Communication is hard. It's exasperated by the fact that in our culture, the average person watches 46 hours a week of television, but the average couple spends four minutes a day in conversation. It's a problem. And one of the things that we have to work on if we're going to really have a successful marriage is this whole issue of communication. We have to learn how to put into practice good communication skills.

6:14 Look at that verse in Ephesians 4 29. Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but only that which is good and edifying, that it may minister grace to the hearers. That's a command to all Christians, but it certainly applies to our marriages as well. And we have to learn the skill of good communication. And you've seen couples, and I've seen them, who before they ever get married, they talk to each other all the time. They spend hours on the phone. They spend lots of effort in communication skills. But as the years go by, they talk less and less until you see them sitting in the restaurant eating their meals in complete silence without any meaningful conversation. I remember several years ago when my wife and I were struggling through this whole issue of having meaningful conversation. It seems like all of our talk had just been reduced to who's picking up the kids and when's our next meeting at the church.

7:07 And so to try to help that, I read a marriage magazine and a guy actually listed several good starter discussion questions that would lead to meaningful conversation. So I actually cut them out and would carry them with me occasionally when my wife and I would go out as a way to start enhancing our conversation. But the point is, you gotta work at it. Because we all have different styles, we all have different needs when it comes to communication. I communicate in facts, my wife communicates in emotion. I communicate in sound bites. She communicates in megabytes. We have different communication styles and different needs. Someone has said that the average man speaks about 20,000 words a day, the average woman 30,000 a day. And one woman told me that the reason that's so is because she has to repeat everything so her husband will hear her. But you need to set aside time, ideally every day at least several times a week, where you just debrief, where you talk about what's going on in your world, where you keep the relational connection.

8:16 And that begins with honest, authentic conversation when you do that. Now let me give you one word of warning. Speak honestly and communicate the best you know how. because one of the things that causes problems in our relationships is when we begin to speak in riddles or send hidden messages. Occasionally someone will say, a woman will say perhaps to her husband, I shouldn't have to tell you, you should be able to know this by now. Well, ladies, can I just tell you, we cannot read your mind. You say, well, you guys can't be that dumb. Let me assure you, we are. We don't get it. Spell it out for us. Speak slow. You know, write it down. We just don't get it quickly. Look at Matthew 537. Just say yes and no. When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong. All right, now take just a moment right there beneath point number one and just either write NW, here's an area that needs some work, or you know what? I feel like we're pretty much on track with that. And go ahead and rate yourself right now as Pastor Rick comes to share the next key. If the first key of unlocking the marriage matrix is communication, the second key is consideration. You must be considerate of your husband or your wife. First Corinthians 1.10 says, you must learn to be considerate of one another, cultivating a life in common. Now, consideration means not thinking only of yourself. You start thinking of we instead of me. It means paying attention to what your spouse says. It means showing common courtesy.

9:58 It means respecting and treating them with respect and with care. Now, husbands, we especially need to work on this consideration. But all of us need to work on it together. And one of the primary purposes of marriage is to teach you how to be considerate. Notice it says there, you must learn to be considerate. Circle the word learn. Do you know why you must learn to be considerate? Because you are not by nature a considerate person, and neither am I. By nature, we are selfish. I think about my needs, my hurts, my wants, my interests. I'm not thinking about you. I'm thinking about me. And one of the whole purposes of marriage is to teach us to think we, not me. To teach us to be considerate. Because Jesus is considerate. You see, God's purpose in your marriage is not to make you happy. That's a benefit of it, but it's not the purpose of marriage.

10:51 The purpose of marriage is not to make you happy, but to make you holy. Because when you get in a marriage, you don't get your way all the time anymore. Anybody want to agree with that? Yeah, you have to learn to be considerate. And so marriage is a school of consideration. Learning to be unselfish. And you learn it there more than any other place. Now husbands, as I said, we especially have to work on this. 1 Peter 3, 7 says, Husbands, show consideration for your wives in your life together so that nothing may hinder your prayers. Did you know, men, that when you are inconsiderate to your wife, God doesn't hear your prayers. If you're out bossing the family around and being selfish and being controlling and being manipulative or harsh and inconsiderate, God says, I'm not going to listen to the prayers of a selfish man.

11:46 God, I need your help in this business deal. Well, you're too selfish. Anytime, one of the primary goals of life is to teach us to be unselfish, and the primary school is marriage. and God says, I want you to learn to be considerate. Now, the problem is, the longer you stay together, the more inconsiderate you tend to become. You were most considerate when you were dating. Oh, after you. No, no, after you. And you're very polite and you're very considerate in the dating stage, and then later it's get it yourself. I read the other day the five stages of a marriage cold. in the first year of marriage. Baby darling, I'm worried about that sniffle you have. So I've called the paramedics to rush you to UCLA hospital for a checkup and a week of rest. Now I know you don't like hospital food, so I'm having gourmet meals brought in.

12:41 But by the second year, it's, sweetheart, I don't like the sound of that cough. I've arranged for Dr. Knox to make a house call. Let me tuck you in bed. Year three, it's deteriorated to, you look like you've got a fever, so why don't you drive yourself over to the Medi-Stop and get some medicine? I'll watch the kids. Fourth year, look, be sensible. After you've fed and bathed the kids and washed the dishes, you really ought to go to bed. Fifth year, for Pete's sake, do you have to cough so loud?

13:10 I can't hear the TV. Would you mind going to the other room while this show's on? You sound like a barking dog. Two young lovers walked down the street. she tripped and he worried, be careful, sweet. Now married, they walk down the exact same street, but when she trips, he says, pick up your feet. How do you show sympathy? How do you show compassion? How do you show consideration? Well, the next three verses give us three practical ways. Number one, you might write these down, by being helpful. Offering practical help. Consideration is seeing what your mate needs in advance and not having to wait for them to ask you for help. It's being considered. Can I help you? It's you taking the initiative. Ephesians 4.2 says, show your love by being helpful to each other. That's consideration. Just being practical and helping each other without your mate having to ask you. Now that means bringing in the groceries, even if it's the fourth quarter. It means waiting until both of her legs are in the car before you shut the door. You know, it's common consideration, just thinking about what would be helpful.

14:23 Number two, sympathize with their doubts and fears. Sympathize with their doubts and fears. The Bible says in Romans 15, we must be considerate of the doubts and fears of others. If we do what helps them, we will build them up in the Lord. Now, have you noticed that my fears are always logical and rational, your fears are stupid. They're dumb. They're illogical. What I'm afraid of, what I have doubts about is very reasonable, but what you're afraid of, well, you shouldn't be afraid of it. And that causes a lot of problems. You're being inconsiderate of the fears and doubts of others. Don't poo-poo their fears. You know, I grew up in a home in the country where we never, ever locked any door. Even when we went away, we never locked the house. I lived in a house where in my bedroom actually had an outside door. I often left the door open all night just to get a breeze.

15:18 We didn't have air conditioning. And it didn't even have a screen on it. And so I wasn't used to a safety feature. My wife, on the other hand, was raised in a home where the moment the sun goes down, you pull up the drawbridge. You fill the moat. You release the alligators. You turn on 500,000 watts of light shining on your driveway. You shutter all the windows and you triple lock the doors and then you're safe. Maybe. Maybe. And so we've had this battle over and over about, did you lock all the doors? Well, I don't think about locking the doors. It's not in my character. And usually I get in bed and then she reminds me, did you lock all the doors? I'm going, oh. Now, true confession, sometimes I'm considerate. Sometimes I'm going, oh, I don't have a good attitude about it. But God wants to teach me to be considerate, and he wants to teach you too.

16:25 Third way is by forgiving their mistakes. Forgiving their mistakes. Now, you're imperfect, and you married an imperfect person, and it's impossible for two imperfect people to have a perfect marriage. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship because sinners marry sinners. We've all blown it. And so marriages need massive, massive doses of forgiveness. And the Bible says in Colossians 3.13, you must make allowances for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Forgiveness is one of the primary building blocks of marriage. And it's a way of showing consideration. Now the Bible tells us in James 3 that being considerate is a mark of wisdom, which means when I'm inconsiderate, I'm a fool. I'm stupid. I'm dumb. I'm foolish. Anytime I'm inconsiderate, not just to my wife, but to anybody, to clerks or anybody else, I am being unwise. Wisdom is shown by being considerate of the needs of other people, including offering forgiveness. Now, I want you to evaluate yourself on this one. I want you to put an NW next to it, means needs work, or put an okay if you're in denial and a liar.

17:39 Oh, let me introduce CJ and Linda, would you give them a warm welcome? When CJ and I got married, I was 18. I was the happiest bride that there ever was. But as the years passed, our lives got busier and we slowly grew apart. CJ's job took more and more time and I began to feel alone and depressed. I felt unloved. My life became a dark place filled with anger, confusion, self-doubt, and distrust. Alcohol was more and more a part of CJ's life, and anger was more and more a part of mine. The arguments became more frequent, the pain grew greater, the words harsher, the silences longer, the shouting louder, and the desperation deeper.

18:39 I had ignored all the signs, but I finally faced the truth. There was another woman in my husband's life. That was devastating to me. I felt, why has this happened to my perfect marriage? I was ill-equipped for marriage and parenting. I was inconsiderate of the needs of my family, and I always put other priorities before them. Drinking became my number one priority, and soon that led to breaking my marriage vows with unfaithfulness to Linda. My heart hardened, and I became a full-blown alcoholic, living in lies and denial. At about this time, two things happened. First, Linda and I began to visit a church called Saddleback. Second, two of our grown children confronted us about our deteriorating marriage. They said, it feels like you don't have a relationship anymore, and we're worried about that. They also confronted me about my drinking.

19:36 I made a commitment to them, and on Friday evening, February 29th of 1996, I drove onto this church campus and made the longest walk of my life across a parking lot to Saddleback's Celebrate Recovery meeting. That was the beginning of the restoration of our dead marriage. Over the next few months, CJ's joy began to be noticeable to me. Each time he went to Celebrate Recovery, he came home with a greater joy, so I decided that maybe I should join him. Of course, one of the recovery steps involves forgiveness. but I never imagined how much I would have to forgive CJ. One day I picked up a journal and my eyes fell on words that I could not have imagined. It was CJ's confession and his moral inventory. I knew that I shouldn't read it. I knew that at the right time and in the right way, CJ would share it with me. But I violated my own conscience and I read on anyway. My eyes filled with tears and my heart pounded as I read all of CJ's dark secrets. It was all there. Some things I knew and some things I didn't. I was filled with anger and hurt and resentment. First, of course, I was angry too. What right did she have to read my secret life? It made me angry, but I was also very scared. I figured that as fragile as our relationship was at that time, this would crush all hope. So I called my sponsor and my small group partners and got the love and the support and the wisdom that I needed to handle this crisis. There were many prayers for our marriage to be saved with a miracle of forgiveness. Instead of a breakup of our marriage, God used that crisis to create a breakthrough of forgiveness.

21:31 That was seven years ago. And we don't have time to tell you now, but so much has happened for good in our marriage in those years. Both CJ and I now serve as leaders in Celebrate Recovery, helping others work through their marriage and relationship hurts. God has been so good to us, and we are proof that Jesus Christ can resurrect a dead marriage. It has now been over seven years since CJ has had a drink, and we are very blessed. We are more in love today than ever before. This year, we celebrated our 51st wedding anniversary together. And truly, that is God's miracle. Amen. In closing, we'd like to say that if your marriage or any other relationship has been damaged by anger, resentment, unfaithfulness, or any other sin, there is hope and forgiveness in Jesus Christ.

22:35 He can make everything new if you will be honest and give him all the pieces. Thank you. Thank you. The third key to unlock the marriage matrix is the key of compromise. Compromise. Now, if you've been married longer than a day, you know that every single marriage has conflict. And there are just some things that you're never going to see eye to eye about. You're not going to agree on everything. As Pastor Rick has often said, when you have two people who agree on everything. One of them is unnecessary. And the reason that God has given you a spouse is so that you would look through a different set of lenses. And sometimes it's because of our background. Sometimes it's because of just our personality and how God has wired us. Sometimes it's about our own worldview that we just have a spouse who brings a different perspective to how we should see life. And as you begin marriage, you know that there are thousands of things that over the years you learn to compromise on, to meet in the middle, to be flexible, to be willing to give up and yield your own rights. Now, just yesterday morning, we had an issue about compromise in our own family.

23:52 Now, my daughter is 17 and prom is coming up in just a few days. So over the last couple of weeks, we have been in prom crisis. And the crisis involves finding a dress. And so virtually Every day my wife and my daughter would start out somewhere to go anywhere in Southern California to find the perfect dress. That's the perfect style, the perfect size, the perfect color. And so finally yesterday morning after many unsuccessful trips, my wife came to me and she said, all right, we're coming back with the dress. How much can we spend? I said, 50 bucks. What? She had the same reaction you did. She said, seriously.

24:45 And so I upped the ante. I gave her a much higher figure. It still wasn't enough. She said, let me tell you what we're going to spend. And I said, okay, yes, dear. So I compromised and did what she wanted. And so now you know everything I know about compromise. It's just learning to give in earlier. And after 25 years, I'm a beaten man. But on big things and small things, if you don't learn to compromise, it will lead to destruction. Look at that verse in Mark chapter 3. A home divided against itself is doomed.

25:25 If your marriage is going to be successful, you have to learn conflict resolution, how to negotiate. And most of us didn't learn that in the models that we watched in our own families or people around us, and we certainly didn't learn it in our schooling. And so we often learn it the hard way. But virtually all of those conflicts can be traced back to one issue, and it's the issue of selfishness. In fact, the Lord said this, look in Proverbs 18.1. People who do not get along with others are only interested in themselves. In fact, when you go to the New Testament, we discover that when Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter, he basically says that the mark of real love is compromise. Look at verse 5 of 1 Corinthians 13. Love does not demand its own way. And time and time again in every relationship, you have to yield your rights to having to have your own way and rather deferring to your spouse and meeting their needs and being willing to meet in the middle and be flexible and compromise. And that comes in a thousand different forms in every relationship. I'll give you one example from our marriage. We have to compromise about how we like to vacation. My wife's idea of a great vacation is getting a room right on the beach with doors that open to the water, being able to sleep in and relax all day and perhaps pick up a book and read a book throughout the day. My idea of vacation is getting up early in the morning, going exploring, seeing all the sights, getting out there. But I've learned through the years, it is not a good idea on the first day of vacation at 6.30 in the morning to tap my wife on the shoulder and say, let's go explore. She's not interested, so here's how we've compromised. She sleeps in. I get up, I get dressed, I go out, I explore. I find a Starbucks, I bring coffee back to the room, serve it to her in bed. We're both happy. We've learned to compromise. You're going to learn to compromise about how you raise your kids, where you spend your holidays, how much time you spend with the in-laws, how your house is decorated. You're going to learn to compromise on lots of different issues,

27:31 even the issue of making love in your marriage. You know, some of you are wired like a microwave, some of you are wired like a crock pot, and you have to learn how to compromise in terms of how you do it, and then even when you make love. Again, I'm a morning person, so early in the morning, I'm wide awake, I'm ready. But again, 25 years of marriage has taught me, if I reach over and try to touch my wife, I'm dead. And so I'm good. But she's a late night person. She'd rather sleep in. But late at night, she's great. And so what we've discovered, what works for us as a compromise, is that four in the morning is the perfect time. See, I just think it's real early in the morning, she just thinks it's really late at night. So it's all about learning to compromise.

28:28 And it's really, at the end of the day, it's about learning to be unselfish and maturing. Look at that last verse in Romans 15, 5. May God develop maturity in you so that you get along with each other as well as Jesus gets along with us all. All right, so rate yourself. How you doing? Are you flexible? Do you compromise pretty well? Now, put into practice what Pastor Rick taught us in the last thing. Be considerate. If your spouse put okay and you know they need work on it, don't say, ha! just make that a point of discussion later. But take a moment and rate yourself. Pastor Rick's going to come and share the next key.

29:10 The fourth key to unlocking the marriage matrix is contact. It takes communication, consideration, compromise, and contact. I'm talking about physical touch, physical contact, affection. You can call it cuddling, caressing, or whatever. Would you write this down? you must touch to keep in touch. What a special message from Pastor Rick. And now let's hear how lives are changing through Daily Hope. Here's Rick with a letter from one of our listeners. You know, we get letters and emails from people all around the world and from all ages. And here's one that I got from a listener in Indonesia. His name is Steven, and he's 12 years old. He wrote, Dear Pastor Rick, Thank you for the powerful way that you've impacted my life. I'm just a 12-year-old schoolboy in Jakarta, Indonesia, but I listen to the broadcast every morning on the way to school.

30:10 My life has changed completely this year. I'm at a new school, and my family's just about recovered from some financial problems, but I'm still having to learn a whole new way of life. Some days I really feel bad, and I ask God to help me, but then the Daily Hope broadcast comes on the radio, And you always say something that helps me feel better. And I know that at that moment, God is trying to speak directly to me through you. So thank you ever so much. Well, thank you ever so much, Stephen. I love hearing from people like you, literally all around the world, who've been impacted through Daily Hope. You know, by the way, I want to thank all of those of you who support us regularly with your financial gifts every month. We can't do this without you. But because of you, we're able to minister to people like this 12-year-old boy, Stephen, in Jakarta, Indonesia. You're never going to know this side of heaven, the number of lives that you have impacted because of your gifts to Daily Hope. Thank you, thank you, thank you. When we get to heaven, we're all going to rejoice and see the results there. If you'd like to help support