Red Flag Relationships | Love, Actually | Chad Veach

0:00 Hey, what's going on, everybody? Thank you so much for listening to this week's message from Zoe Church, Los Angeles, a community of Jesus followers that believe in the message and the person Jesus, who he is, what he's about. We live for him in his glory. Thank you to every person that is a part of our online community, the Zoe family. And thank you to every person that gives. If you'd like to give, go to our website and you can give there. Thank you for your generosity. We are in part two of a series we're in called Love Actually. Let's jump in to this week's message called Red Flags Relationship Killers. Ephesians 5.25. We're in part two of a series that we've called Love Actually. God's plan for real love. And we've got to get a better working definition of what love, true love is. because I can't draw from Disney or Hollywood.

0:59 I cannot draw from the movies what they think love is. I got to go to the author of love to find out what real love actually looks like because when I was growing up, I thought love was the movie The Notebook. I thought love was the movie Titanic with Leo. Mariah Carey lyrics. And the older I got, the more I started to read God's word and understand his heart, I discovered what real love is. If we don't get a real love from a real God working definition, a lot of our marriages are going to end sour. They're going to end poorly. And I want to tell you, there ain't nothing, any married people here remember your wedding day. Let me just see your hand if you remember your wedding day. Oh, I remember my wedding day. Julia was looking fine. Oh, shoot. Paid my tithes.

1:53 Hallelujah. And I remember, you know, my wedding day, holding hands with Julia. Our dads did the ceremony. I didn't hear a word they said. You know what I'm saying? I was just looking at her like, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes. And, you know, my belief is nobody ever gets married and looks across and thinks, I can't wait for the day when we only speak through our lawyers. I can't wait for the day when I hate your guts. I cannot wait for the day when I wish I would have never met you. No, when you get married and you sign up, you are elated, you are excited, you are filled with hope and future. But along the way, there are some bumps and some bruises and some losses and some conflict and some pain, and we've got to get a working definition from the Bible of what love actually is.

2:47 otherwise we're going to start and stop over and over again you see somebody that goes into another marriage and another marriage another one you it's not going to work it's not going to work why because they're not the problem we are the problem so we got to find out what the bible teaches us about real love ephesians 5 it says this husbands go all out in your love for your wives translation and buy them chocolates and whatever purse they want.

3:20 Exactly as Christ did for the church. A love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor since they're already one in marriage. No one abuses his own body, does he? Unless they do CrossFit. No. Such interesting humans. No, he feeds and pampers it. That's how Christ treats us, the church, since we are a part of his body. And this is why a man leaves his father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they will become one flesh.

4:17 This is a huge mystery, and I don't pretend to understand all of it. What is clear to me is the way Christ treats the church. Let me just pause and just talk about the church. By the way, the church is the bride of Christ. So the thing that Jesus is serving is the church. He is trying to make his church beautiful, spotless, and radiant. I don't know about you, but I love the church. Anybody else? Whatever Jesus is about, I'm about.

4:45 And by the way, just another side note, you cannot mess with the bride and not get the wrath of the husband. So don't you end up on some basement blog talking about the church, okay? We're trying to make the church be glorious, radiant, magnificent, and we do it by serving it and loving it just as Jesus did. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself and loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband. I want to preach a message today in installment number two. It's called Red Flag Relationships. Red Flag Relationships. And I want to contrast the red flags between the green flags. Red means stop. there's something here we got to deal with. There's something here we got to put a flashlight on. We got to deal with this issue here in the relationship or ourself. Red flags. But green, green is significant for, green stands for what? Go. Yeah. When I was dating Julia, all I saw was green.

5:50 You know what I'm saying? I seen a whole bunch of green. I thought Julia is funny. Julia is smart. Julia is beautiful. Julia's athletic. Julia's got a great family. Julia's got amazing friendships. Julia's rich. I'm married for money. Hallelujah. And then the market crashed. But anyways, but I was like, sign me up. Julia's got green flags. I want to talk today. If there's some red flags in you or red flags in your relationship, don't worry. God's love and the Holy Spirit can heal something and take you from red to green by the power of God's love. Come on, clap if you believe it today. that's what the Holy Spirit does. The Holy Spirit works in us. He's working in us. Why?

6:41 Because he doesn't want us to stay toxic. He doesn't want us to stay dysfunctional or unhealthy. My God will pour out his love in you, change you, and turn you from red to green, from unhealthy to healthy, from not being able to receive love to being someone that receives so much. you can give love. That's the power of the Holy Spirit. That's the power of God's love. I want to just pay attention to some red flags. If you're single, this is for you. If you're dating, this is for you. I said last week when you're dating, you put them under a magnifying glass and you look and see, are you crazy? When you're married, you're done with all that, so now you just kind of eyes half closed. We both crazy. okay so this is for single folk this is for dating people this is for married people and if you don't fall into one of those three categories what's wrong with you that's a you problem so we're gonna jump in here's the first one here's the first red flag in a relationship it's someone that is critical criticism i heard it said one time about relationships Constant criticism creates constant insecurity.

8:04 Criticism, where you've got a critical eye. You're just kind of always on top of somebody, criticizing them, nitpicking them. Remember, the Bible says of Saul, Saul was the boss, David was the employer, and Saul had a critical eye, always watching David. You cannot have a healthy relationship that lives under criticism. Watch what it put on the screen. Watch what criticism is. criticism is attacks with you always instead of limiting a complaint to a certain experience or a certain behavior. So the antidote to that is to complain with using I statements over you statements. A critical person is always like you always, you never, you are. It always attacks with you. But someone that has a right, a green flag says instead of making it about you. I got to make it about me. I feel like this happened. I feel like this is what I was seeing.

9:04 I think that instead of attacking their behavior, no one can live under a critical spirit. And God hasn't called you in your marriage to be critical of your spouse. God has called you to encourage them, to champion them, and to believe in them. That's why the Bible says the power of life and death is in the tongue. We are called to speak life. Oh, I love this. Look at Ephesians 4. Look at this beautiful scripture. Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good. Let everything you say be helpful so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Let me just talk to all the married people. I want you to become your spouse's biggest cheerleader. You should champion them. You should encourage them. You should believe in them.

9:56 There is, I got to tell you, I don't care what anybody thinks about me other than Julia. When Julia believes in me, I believe in me. When Julia don't believe in me, I'm like, I don't know what to do. Her words, I have given her this authority. Her words hold weight in my world. Her words can take me out or build me up. And I want to encourage you in your marriage, let's build homes that speak life, that speak hope, that speak to the best version. People can't handle constant criticism creates constant insecurity. And no one does well when they feel insecurity and they're thinking in their head, are they going to like this? Am I doing okay? No, no. Speak life. Speak hope. Let's not have a critical spirit. Let's have an encouraging spirit. That is the power of the Holy Spirit. So number one, a red flag is when you're critical, mad critical.

10:54 You're critical about them and you're critical about you. By the way, people that are critical, I found, they are first critical about themselves. That's why they're critical about others. They are mean, harsh, and terrible to themselves. So how could they not but give away that? so the reason why I have to forgive me is how could I forgive you if I don't ever forgive me how could I speak life over you if I never speak life over me I lay my hands on myself I said Lord you're going to send that man from Dallas to win an NBA championship for us I thank you right now the Luka Lakers are on the way miracles happen Amen, amen. So you cannot handle or withstand a critical person. But don't you worry, if you're critical, God can heal you and restore you and turn you into someone that's encouraging. I have seen God and the power of the gospel take the meanest, nastiest person and turn them into the softest, kindest, most generous person.

11:55 I have seen God change lives. That is the power, not of self-care, that is the power of the Holy Spirit working in somebody's life. Come on, clap if you believe it today. The first one is critical. Second one, write down number two. Here's a red flag. Contempt. Contempt. Like, what is that one? That's a big old word. Contempt. Contempt. Contempt. Statements that come from a position of superiority. Contempt includes sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, You ever be around somebody like this? They're just like, ugh. This is my children. Ugh.

12:37 Sneering. What's sneering? You know, just, I don't know, man. I got two hands. It's dangerous. and it's looking down on somebody. By the way, just dating people or single people, just listen to this one. If you think that they're not gonna be contempt towards, showing contempt towards others but not towards you, you're kidding yourself. How you do some things is how you do all things. And you're watching them to see, how do they handle their boss? How do they treat their friends? How do they treat people in authority? How do they treat their parents?

13:16 That eye roll, that sneering, that cynicism, church, authority. Okay, red flag. Well, you're in the red zone. What is the antidote to a contempt or people that deal with contempt? Build a culture of gratitude, honor, and respect. so in our houses you know what our homes need our marriages need they don't need contempt oh you this eye roll sneer cynicism criticism no no they need honor we need to honor each other we need to respect each other we need to have gratitude in our houses oh you got to be careful because listen even jesus the perfect one the messiah the son of the living god he came to his hometown to perform miracles, and they rolled their eyes, and they treated him with contempt, and they go, isn't that Mary's kid? Isn't that Joe's kid? Are you, that kid was in my middle school. That kid was in my math class. There's no way that he could perform a miracle, and they treated Jesus with contempt, and he could perform no miracle in their hometown. I'm telling you, you will lock up your spouse's best if you do not honor them, respect them, or be thankful for them.

14:34 And some of us are getting it twisted because you got married and this was your miracle. I prayed for 21 days and ate celeries and thank you, God. And now you are disrespecting your miracle. The very thing you once thanked God for, now you're treating them as common. Remember, familiarity breeds indifference. Familiarity breeds contempt. Where does contempt come from? treating your miracle like it's common. Treating your miracle like it's everyday. Treating your miracle like it's not a big deal. I don't know about you, but God answered my prayers when he sent me a wife. God answered my prayers when we stood there and we paid covenant commitments together. I'm not gonna treat my wife like she's common or familiar because she's the miracle that God blessed me with. Somebody thank God that your marriage is a miracle from God.

15:27 And we end up getting three, five, ten years in the marriage like, ugh, ugh, ugh. Oh, really? You want to try some of my dinner? Really? You should have ordered your own entree. Oh, you something else. Oh, you want a drink of my, you are. This headset is so much fun. I feel like a new man in my pajamas. but that contempt, that contempt, it's because you're treating the person you loved with such familiarity. Watch, watch, this is, it happened to Jesus. Look, put up on the screen Mark 6, verse three. Is this not the carpenter, the son of Mary, and the brother of James, and Hosesus, and Judasus, and Simon, and are not his sisters here with us?

16:24 So they were offended at him. they see in him like he's just a common guy this is the one that can walk on water this is the one that can turn water into wine this is the one that can feed 5 000 this is the one that can heal the blind the deaf the mute and the dead and you're treating him like he's an ordinary guy stop treating your spouse like they're normal that is the one that god brought to you that is the one that God answered your prayers through. You ought to thank God for them, respect them, honor them. Come on, clap a little bit louder today. And you be grateful for them. You ought to look at them and say, thank you for putting up with me. Thank you for tolerating me. Thank you for forgiving me. So the first one is criticism. That's a red flag. No one can stand under a critical spirit. Remember, just heads up, married people, you will find whatever you're looking for.

17:21 So if you want to find bad stuff, you look for bad stuff, you're going to find bad stuff. But if you want to find good things, you're going to find good things. So you've got to be careful. First one is criticism. Second one, contempt. Write down the third one. I love this one. Defensiveness. Defensiveness is self-protection by playing the innocent victim. This is done in hopes to fend off a perceived attack or a perceived criticism. Have you ever been around someone that's defensive? Just let me see your hand if you've ever been around a defensive person. Defensive people are so wild to me because it's almost like they are not going to let anybody talk to them, anyone criticize them. And I'm just telling you, you cannot be in a relationship without facing a little bit of constructive criticism. Sometimes Julia would say, hey, you should just take a break and just go brush your teeth real fast. Could you imagine?

18:20 I'm like, what are you trying to say? You know what I do? I go in, I use mouthwash, and I brush my teeth. Come on, praise the Lord. The other day, my son, my 11-year-old's in basketball, and so I'm trying to teach him his, you know, different progression in basketball just slowly. I don't want to download too much, so every time we watch a game or every time after one of his games, I'll kind of just choose one thing. So the other day, after his game, we were shooting in the driveway, I said, okay, I just want to teach you one thing, just one thing for today. I want to show you the defensive chair. In basketball, when you're playing defense, you sit in a chair. I'm not flexible, so this is as low as I go.

19:02 So I showed him the defensive chair, and I said, the reason why you get into a chair is because wherever they go, you want to slide with them. Slide to the left. Slide to the right. Crisscross. Everybody, clap your hands. That was weird. So I was teaching them the defensive position. Defensive people are this way. When you're defensive by nature, you're like, no one's going to talk about me. No one's going to accuse me. No one's going to tell me I was wrong. No one's going to. You ever been around a defensive person? That's how they are. How do you think your marriage is going to last when you're defensive every time your spouse brings something up? You think my breath stinks, huh? Oh, do you really?

19:49 You got to be careful. Here's the antidote to being defensive. Grant a loving, oh sorry, active listening or taking responsibility for your part. Give the other person the floor and let them be known and loved. That's why God has given you two ears and one mouth. Be slow to speak and be quick to listen. I'm listening to you. You're my miracle. You're my world. You're my everything. Am I doing anything that offends you? Am I doing anything that doesn't honor you? Am I doing anything that's hurting us financially, emotionally, spiritually? Is there anything in my character that you see? I'm all ears to what you want to say. I choose you. We're building a family together. We're building a legacy together. Come on, I want our children's children to be blessed. We're building something, me and you.

20:42 We're breaking generational curses. Anybody down to break some generational curses in your house? We got to listen to each other. Thank you. The problem is most of us when we're dating, we're like, yes, tell me everything. Then you get married, you're like, don't you say one more word. What do you think this is, engagement?

21:03 No, the more we get into years and years of marriage, the more we need to lean in and listen. Do you feel respected? Do you feel honored? Do you feel cherished? Do you feel like I'm serving you and fulfilling the calling that's on our home? Do you feel like we are in the smack dab middle of God's will for our house? the defensive person just just hears criticism and goes oh yeah well buckle up watch this one proverbs 15 verse 1 i love this a gentle reply turns away wrath the next time someone starts to come at you you don't have to be so defensive you can say you know what? Tell me more. I really want to hear. You've got the floor, and I'm not going to spit back. You ever get in an argument, and they're arguing, and sometimes this used to happen to Julia and I. We get in an argument, and as she's arguing, I'm just getting my case ready. Oh, buckle up, buddy. I can't wait for you to finish. Oh, yeah? Well, how about three years ago, we were at Chipotle and you got extra guac and didn't even ask.

22:25 50 cents, man. Not the rapper, no. Anyways, the first one is criticism. The second one is contempt. The third one is being defensive. The fourth one, this is where I struggle. Maybe you can relate. The fourth one is called stonewalling.

22:51 Stonewalling. giving the person you love the cold shoulder. Have you seen this on social media where they say like a marriage is made up of two people, one that forgives within three to five hours and the partner needs three to five business days? Have you seen this? I'm the one that needs three to five business days. When we first got married, this used to throw me off. Julie and I would get into an argument. She'd be crying. We'd be in a situation. There'd be tears. She'd say things. I go through an argument. We don't deal with those anymore nowadays. Please, God. But back in those days. And she'd cry. And then like two hours later, she'd be like, you want to go play pickleball?

23:34 And I'll be like, okay, hold on. You're throwing me way off. Because when something goes on with me, I need three to five business days. And you know, that's not fair. That's not fair to the person that you love. And the reason why it's not fair is because sometimes that message, you could put somebody in timeout, and it could cause insecurity. Are you ever going to come back?

23:57 Are we ever going to pick this conversation back up? While you're stonewalling me, do you still love me? Are we going to bring resolve to this issue? So the antidote, put up the antidote. This is so important in relationships. Grant a loving pause to calm down with a loyal assurance to re-engage. After using practices like calming music, exercise, take a drive, gain composure. This is so important that we go, hey, I'm not sober right now. I'm emotional. You're emotional. We love each other. We're not going to say loving words right now. I'm going to go take a break and shoot some hoops. I'm going to go on a walk. I'm going to go on a drive. I'm going to go listen to songs by Enya. I'm going to do whatever I got to do to calm down.

24:51 That's good, too. Yeah, I liked it. It just came to me, man. And I'm going to calm down so when we come back to this, we don't tear each other down and tear each other apart. We can speak in a loving way to start to build our life back from this issue. This issue is not going to take us out, but I'm not well right now, so I've got to calm down. If you don't do that, when you take a pause and you stonewall, it makes the other person think, do you love me? And the last place there should be insecurity is in our marriage. That's why we read this verse last week. Perfect love casts out fear. There's no fear in this marriage. There's no fear. I'm never going to leave you. I'm not going to divorce you. I'm not going to quit on you. I'm committed to you. I'm committed to our kids. I'm committed to our future. And I'm going to just let you know I've got to calm down so we can keep building together. Come on, clap and say amen. Thank you.

25:41 You've got to be careful. That's why the Bible says, don't let the sun go down on your anger. Why? Because if you give the devil a foothold, a foothold is going to become a stronghold. Now there's bitterness. Now there's resentment. Now there's fear. Now there's questioning. Now there's wondering of commitment. No, don't stonewall each other. Forgive each other. and when you get that into your relationship all of a sudden you went from a red flag to a green flag and we can move forward by the glory of the living God amen to that so the first one is is criticism and if you're a critical person you I believe you're first critical to yourself and that's why you're critical of others you are first harsh mean and critical to you so you therefore are harsh mean and critical to others people that are mean are mean to themselves.

26:39 Kind people are kind to themselves. That's why tonight, the Lord will lead me in the midnight hour to a McDonald's to get a McFlurry. Kind to me so I can be kind to you. Somebody say amen. If you're critical, if you're critical, the Bible says love covers a multitude of sins. Love is patient and love is kind. Love keeps no record of wrongs. The world keeps receipts, but our marriages don't. Sometimes we get into an argument with Julia, and she's like, our first year of marriage, December 2nd at 1.38 p.m., you were wearing a blue hoodie and you said, and I'm like, I don't remember yesterday.

27:33 And maybe that's a word for you. You are keeping records of other people's wrongs. If you do that in your friendship, why wouldn't you do that in your marriage? If you do that in your workplace, why wouldn't you do that in your marriage? How you do some things is how you do all things. So get rid of your critical spirit and adapt from the Holy Spirit and encouraging spirit.

27:59 Don't treat others with contempt. Let me say this about your connect group that you're going to. Don't treat the people in your connect group with contempt. Whatever team you're serving on here at Zoe, don't treat your team lead with contempt. If you've been coming to Zoe for eight, nine years, you've been planting here for five years, don't treat Zoe Church with contempt. This is the place God's called you to serve and be a part of. We don't treat it with contempt. We treat it like a miracle. Come on, come on, come on. I've been walking around this morning. Julia's parents were in the last service, and this is the first Sunday morning in this building. And I've just been walking around just thinking, man, I remember where I was a year ago. And a year ago, we were in a school setting up. We had a team setting up at 5 in the morning. And I walk in this building. I'm not over it. I'm not treating it like, yeah, this is our building. Yeah, we got this big old ceiling. We got this place here in Highland Park, Ave 52, Figueroa.

28:54 I'm walking in like, thank you, Jesus, for this miracle. Come on, clap. Don't treat your miracle like it's coming. The fastest way to lose something is to stop honoring it. Honor your friends.

29:20 Honor your spouse. Honor the people around you. Honor the people that were with you since day one. I don't like people that just walk into new friendships like a hurricane and these are my new friends. Yeah, but come on, thank God for your old friends. we don't treat people with contempt because then i will lock up the best version of them rather than drawing out the best maybe what needs to change in your home is you need to build a culture of honor respect and gratitude instead of a culture of criticism and contempt don't be defensive that's a red flag it's a red flag i want to hear all the honest feedback I want all the honest feedback not from everybody sometimes I'll be walking out there in the courtyard and somebody's like yo Pastor Chad can I tell you something no thank you so much I'm good thank you so much thank you so much but you can email me my email is chadbeach30 slash 32 slash 8 slash 24 at Zoe Church not a real email but you can email your complaint there but Julia she's got a thought she's got an idea she's got a check in her spirit about something she's hearing God she's discerning something in me discerning something in my character discerning something in our home by the way let me just talk to all the married people sometimes you need to go through your house you need to anoint that thing with oil you need to get all the wicked stuff evil stuff out there and get God's spirit to rule and reign in that thing sometimes you better walk through that house looking for something there's a compromise in here there's something that's wrong in here there's something no no no no no you're not welcome here as for me and my house we will serve the lord i'm not defensive defensiveness defensiveness is a sign of insecurity you can't handle the truth You can't handle the truth.

31:28 But if you notice, God never holds back his truth from your life. He loves you enough to tell you the truth. That's why he said, my truth will set you what? Free. Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling. you gotta be careful man you gotta be careful some of us need to be very careful because you live in a block culture block them cancel them they're out they're out they're out they're done that's just not the gospel that's just not the love of Jesus and maybe the stones that have been built up are just a reflection of the bitterness that's in your heart the unforgiveness and i said it last week but let me say it again a great marriage is made up of two great givers and forgivers if you're going to have a marriage that lasts a love actually you got to forgive and give forgive and give over and over again i forgive you i forgive you and I'm going to give to you and I'm going to serve you. I'm just praying for us that we won't build a wall of issues, wall of unforgiveness. We will build a life on grace. Amen to that?

32:51 I just really felt led to walk into this series, walk into this truth because there's some, there's some marriages that are on the rocks God wants to touch. There's some relationships barely hanging on that God wants to heal. There's some people that you've been dealing with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and God wants to turn that toxic behavior and turn it around by the grace of God. God wants to heal you, forgive you, restore you, rebuild you, so you can live the life. Come on, clap. You live the life that God's intended for you. the miracle in your life is not so you can stand one day it's so that you can stand every day not so you can have a honeymoon and some gifts from target it's so that you can have children's children be blessed because of the commitment that you made for a lifetime oh come on clap like you want to be committed. Sickness, health, rich, poor, death, do us part. I'm in. Come on, stand together.