Rules For Relationship | Love, Actually | Chad Veach

0:00 We're concluding together today. We've been in a series called Love Actually, God's Plan for Real Love. And if you've missed the other three messages, go back and watch them or listen to them. By the way, can we just shout out Pastor Julia shut it down last week. Clap for Pastor Julia, doing a great job. Unbelievable. And I'm concluding the series, and I'm really excited about this whole collection of talks because it really is a series for single people, anybody that's dating, and anybody that's married, and you're gonna see exactly how the Bible wants us to approach relationships. Go there in your Bible, 2 Corinthians chapter number six. In the NIV it says, do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what does righteousness and wickedness have in common?

0:54 are what fellowship can light have with darkness. What fellowship can a cowboy fan have with a winner? What harmony is there between Christ and, let's go with la, la, la, la, la. Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? I like this reading, and I want to teach a message today. Write down the title. It's called Rules for Relationships. and the Bible is filled with truths on relationships. It teaches us how to manage or approach relationships and I like this, Paul the apostle's writing to a church in the city of Corinth and he's trying to get them to be on the same page in their marriage.

1:49 He's saying, don't be unequally yoked. This is an agricultural term. He's saying we would never put two animals to work together like an ox and a donkey, like a UCLA fan and a USC. I'm just trying to have fun today. Come on. But we would not put unequally yoked. And he's not just, he's using an illustration. He's talking about the yoke of purpose and passion. He's saying, no, no, you've got to make sure the first thing, the first rule is that we both follow Jesus. We both love God. Don't be unequal. What does light have to do with darkness? What does righteousness have to do with unrighteousness? He's saying the first thing we got to do is get our foundation right, and that's that we follow God. So he's explaining rules of relationship. It's kind of cool.

2:42 In the month of March, March is for madness. Any basketball fans in the house? Very excited. March Madness is about to kick off. In March, I get excited because it is the month. It's where we celebrated March 2008 is the first month that I told Julia that I love her. Isn't that amazing? She said, thank you. It took her weeks for her to wake up to God's will for her life. And what I love about relationships and what I love about learning about relationships is I want to do it God's way. Because you can't get God's best if you don't do things God's way. If you do things God's way, then you get God's what? His best.

3:33 And that's what we want. We want God's best. Amen? So I'm going to give you seven rules today. These are seven rules. Whether you're single, dating, or married, these are rules for everybody. Number one, do not awaken love until it's due. Oh, let me warn you, sisters that go to her night, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deers, don't excite love, don't stir it up until the time is right, until you're ready. See, sometimes for us in relationships, we get so excited, we confuse like for love. And we've got to be able to discern the difference between what is actually just an infatuation or what is an attraction versus love. Love, by definition, is not an emotion. It's a decision. And I choose the highest good for the other person. And the Bible's teaching us don't stir that thing up.

4:26 Don't wake up love until the time is due. In other words, anything worth doing is worth doing right. You've got to take things slow. We move slow so that when the time is right, we can move fast. I was just too excited. I had to tell her I love her. Julia's full of wisdom. She waited a month.

4:48 You've got to make sure that you don't awaken love until the time is due, until the time is right. Put it on the screen. I love this. Don't rush in to things too quickly without taking the time to truly understand the other person's character and the other person's values. I need to get to know you. I've been using this illustration throughout the series that when you date, you put somebody under a magnifying glass and you look at them to understand their character and to understand their values to see, is this a person I should spend the rest of my life with? Is this a person that I'm gonna share a toothbrush with one day? Come on, this is real. That's real marriage. Been on a few trips with Julia. I'm like, can I? No, I can't. Okay, my bad, okay. I'll go down to the lobby and try and find my own toothbrush. you've got to take things slow.

5:46 Do my parents approve of this person? What do my pastors say? Here's a great one. What about my friends? You know, there's peace around this relationship, and I don't stir anything up until the time is due. It's proper. It's right. It's righteous. It's from God. This is God's gift in my life. Don't stir it up until the time is due. And when the time is due, when it's right, it's game on. I'm talking chocolates. I'm talking flowers. Mariah Carey lyrics. I'm talking the whole thing. But until it's right, until it's right, I can't stir up love. I can't stir up the thing. It's hard to bring back. Have you ever told someone that you love them and had to take it back? You're my bad.

6:35 Very awkward day. I'm not saying I've been there. I'm saying you've been there. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. And guess what? While you're dating, there's gonna be signs. Write down number two. Here's another rule. Number two, there will be signs. Don't ignore them. Well, I love Hebrews chapter five, verse 14. Those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern between both good and evil. In other words, God and his spirit are gonna give you discernment. Everybody say discernment. You need to develop and grow in your discernment. Discerning between right and wrong, between good and evil. And by the way, you never stop discerning. I'm a parent of four children. I've got to discern where are they at, what's going on. I have my wife. I'm trying to discern how is she doing, what are her needs. I lead a community.

7:29 What are the needs of my community? How can I help serve? I'm trying to discern in the aftermath of the fires. How can we help both best serve? What do we need financially? What do we need practically? You've got to develop in your discernment because when you're dating, you've got to discern. Is this right or is this wrong? Is this from God or is this from me? Is this what I want or is this what God wants? And there will be signs that will tell you whether this is or not. Have you ever seen these things on social media where it's like, I won't tell you if I won the lottery, but there will be signs?

8:08 I love that one. There's going to be signs. You'll know. There will be signs for you to be able to discern whether this is the right one for you to be with or not. Put it on the screen. Don't let love blind you. Don't ignore the signs because you're in love or you want to avoid being alone. dishonesty, lack of respect, and emotional instability are warning signs. Go drive your car, oil light pops on, or you're driving your car and the tire thing pops on. Who's like me? You would love to ignore them. When I roll into the dealership, I'm like, hey, just a heads up, every light is on, every light. And that's okay for your car. That's not okay for your life. Those warning signs are there from God going, hey. Hey.

9:04 Hey. Uh-uh. That character issue. What makes you think that that anger flaw is not going to be expressed in your marriage? or that they're gonna somehow now be able to handle finances. You're watching values and character to make sure this is a person that I can build a life with. This is, I'm attracted to you, I'm drawn to you clearly, but what I understand is that I've gotta choose ultimately character over talent. In fact, write that down, the third rule today, I love this, it's character traits over super, or character qualities over superficial qualities.

9:51 Proverbs 31, verse 30, I love this one. Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, but a woman that fears the Lord shall be praised. You know what I'm saying is eventually they're not gonna look as good as they do right now. That's how I, Julie's always like, when you're old, you're gonna have wrinkles everywhere. I'm like, what makes you think that? I don't need no Botox. What are you talking about? You know, charm is deceitful and beauty is fading, but somebody that fears the Lord, someone that has godly character, someone that's following Jesus, someone that's trying to do God's will for their life, that is who you can build with.

10:37 So what is it saying? Someone that fears God is somebody better than has a good personality. Someone that fears God is better than someone that's good looking. I have seen people be physically drawn to somebody that look beautiful on the outside but nasty on the inside. And that physical attraction, that's going to fade. I can't build a life off physical attraction. I've got to build my life off character. I've got to build my life off somebody that's following God, serving the Lord, wants God's will in their life. that's why I want to just give a warning anybody that your relationship's built on the physical God is so clear in his word of the gift of sex it's a gift in the confines it should be only used in the confines of marriage anything outside of that is sin and anything outside of that is damaging to our soul watch how Paul says this this is so beautiful God's word is filled with truth watch what it says, 1 Corinthians 6, there's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in scripture, the two become one. Since we want to become spiritually one with the master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever. The kind of sex that can never become one.

11:59 There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin, we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love. Somebody say amen. For becoming one with one another. Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not the same piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole work. So let people see God in and through your body. Come on, clap if you believe that today. And so what are we making a decision over? We are making a decision that I'm not choosing status. I'm not choosing wealth.

12:54 I'm not choosing just the physical. I'm choosing the person and who they are and their character and values over things that can. I have seen people lose status. How about you? I have seen people lose their wealth. How about you? I have seen people physically, you ever see somebody you ain't seen in like 10 years and you're like, oh, oh dang. And we the same age. All right. Physical goes away. Materialistic goes away.

13:29 Status can go away. We're choosing off character and values who the person is, not the external. Amen? And so this is a rule. We choose character over talent. I love Julia, her message. Pastor Julia, last week when she was talking about Condo Carl and Sexy Steve and all these, she has all these names. And I just am always going to make a case for Steady Eddie. Steady Eddie is the man. Steady Eddie has a job. He brushes his teeth with his own toothbrush. rush. Steady Eddie pays his tithes and increases once a year for over and above offering. Hallelujah. You know, steady, just steady. He just steady. He just steady. In other words, don't go for the flash and the charisma and all the stuff that look good on the outside. We're all about trying to discern who somebody is on the inside. The inner scoreboard matters more than the outer scoreboard.

14:30 who you really are on the inside trumps who you are on the outside. And I believe if you're beautiful on the inside, it will radiate on the outside. Come on, clap and give God a praise. I love this. Relationships face deep challenges and have to be built on a greater foundation than physical attraction, wealth, or status. You're going to face challenges. You've got to build your relationship on what's going to matter. Write down the next rule. It's better to be alone than with the wrong person. That's a word for somebody today. You better be on your own than with the wrong person. Wrong person, they might be right for somebody else, but they wrong for you. Or they might be wrong right now, give them three years, they're going to be all right, but they're not right right now. And so you got to make sure it's better to be alone than to be connected with the wrong.

15:27 I have seen so many people go to their wedding day, and half the wedding party is like, All right. and then you know when the preacher's like um if anybody were to object of this marriage speak now or forever hold your peace everybody's like Could you imagine me at some wedding? I got an issue. I was like, yeah, come on. Like, hold on. You waited until the ceremony didn't say something? You're not a real friend. Don't say nothing. No, no, no. I've got to make sure that I am okay being single. I'm okay being alone than being connected with the wrong person. I'm okay. By the way, for those of you struggling with loneliness, We live in a very lonely city. If you're struggling with loneliness, good encouragement to you.

16:23 My Bible says, God says, I will never leave you and I will never forsake you. He said, even when you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I am with you. Anybody thankful today that God's with me? The Bible literally teaches us that there is a friend that sticks closer than a brother. His name is Jesus. So if you feel alone, be comforted today. God says you're never going to be alone. In fact, you can't get rid of me. Height, depth, power, principality, angel, demon, nothing can separate you from the love that's in Christ. Anybody thankful for that today? So don't settle. You're not alone. God's with you. Oh, I love this. Some people settle for the wrong person because they are afraid of being single, thinking it's better to be with someone, even the wrong person, rather than be alone. I wanna encourage you today.

17:18 It's better for you to be alone on your own than connected to the wrong person that's gonna drag you down and fill your life with pain and anxiety. Somebody say amen to that. Look at this scripture, I love this verse. If you don't believe me, this is in the Bible. Proverbs 21, verse nine. It's better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home. You know what the Bible's saying? It's better to be all by yourself than to be married to the wrong person. It's not literal, it's figurative. Don't get married to the wrong person. I wanna encourage you today, you are God's child. You're a daughter or a son of the Most High God. God has his best for your life. He does not have plans for calamity. He does have plans for prosperity. And God has a right person for you.

18:13 Come on, clap and give me some faith right there. God's got a good person for you. Don't settle for second rate. Don't settle for second best. Don't settle for like, oh, he all right. He don't got a job. Yeah, but he's trying to find one. All he does is play his Xbox. Yeah, but he's good. He's ranked. He's ranked. We talking about rankings? no God one of the things I love about Jesus he says my sheep will recognize my voice the Holy Spirit is the greatest pastor in the history of the world and the Holy Spirit will lead you into truth my God leads me into green pastures and into still waters and into passive righteousness for his namesake so God's gonna lead me into the best come on clap and give him a phrase today. That's the will and the plan of God for my life. So I've got to be careful.

19:17 It's better to be alone than with the wrong person. Write down the next one. Heal up. Unresolved issues bring a ton of other issues. Oh, I love this one. Proverbs 17, verse 22. A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Now, I want to encourage you. I know that you've got a ton of different pain points, and you've gone through your own journey and you've got your own stuff. But I want to just encourage you, healthy relationships are made up of two healthy individuals working together on the health of the relationship. So Julia, let me just talk about Julia. Julia eats healthy until 8 p.m. Julia works out. Julia runs finances. I mean, Julia is, Julia is the, I'm so thankful that I'm married so well. Thank you, Jesus. Julia is a mate, and she's always trying to get healthier, and I am healthy. Sorry, that was a faith statement. And I am, I'm working on becoming the healthiest version of me, but if Julia works on her health, and I work on my health, but we don't work on our health, there's dysfunction.

20:25 So it's not about you just being healthy, or me just being healthy. We have to work together on the health of our relationship, and I want to encourage you. You got to heal up. If you're broken today, good news, I know the man that can restore you. If you're hurting, I know the man that heals. I know the guy that, come on, clap if you believe it today. I know the man that can restore that which has been broken and lost and devastated. I know the one that will put you back together. Put up this scripture, Exodus. Watch what it says. He said, I, the Lord, your God, I am your healer. I will heal you. God can heal you. God can heal. If you've got an abandonment issue, God can heal it. If you've got a rejection issue, God can heal it. If you've got an addiction today, God can heal you. If you've got unforgiveness today, God can heal you. Anybody believe that today? Our God is a healer. Come on, clap and give him praise. So I've got to heal up. I've got to get my healing. Because have you ever noticed how if you have one issue in your life, it can cause like five other issues in your world?

21:30 And you're like, how come this one dumb issue in my life is causing all of these problems? The Bible talks about how bitterness, it gets rooted in you, and then it springs up and causes all kinds of issues. And so guess what? I've got to heal up to the best of my ability, and I've got to spend time with my healer. His name is King Jesus. and as he heals me, I have a shot at a relationship with somebody that I love. Until then, I've got all kinds of friction and trauma and drama and problems. And me, me, me. I say, whoa, hold up. Who you mad at? You ain't mad at me. You mad at your dad? Chill. Calm at me.

22:22 De veras. Mentoroso. And the problem is, a lot of us, we don't ever heal up, so we're like, they're the problem, they're the problem, they're the problem, they're the problem. right so how can you build how can you and i just want to encourage some people here today some of you are breaking generational curses in your family come on come on clap you're breaking generational curses and you're starting a clap if you're starting a new legacy in your home come on And I'm telling you, off the hard work you're doing right now, your children's children are going to be blessed. To a thousand generations. Come on, give them a higher praise right now.

23:14 You're breaking something in your family. And so I got to get healed up for me to build up. How could I ever build my life if I've got all this stuff in my life? I got to get delivered. I got to get free. I got to get healed and God can do something in me so he can do something through me. How could I love my spouse if I don't love my life? How could I bless her if I don't bless me? How could I give freedom to my children if I don't got freedom in my own life? You got to get healed up so you can build up. And some of us never face our issues. We never face our problems. We never look at us. And so we just keep going round and round with the same problems and the same issues. It's them. It's them. No, we've got to get right so I can live right. Amen? And so this is a rule. Heal up. Get healing.

24:06 Let God touch your life. Some of us, we struggle letting somebody get close to you. That's all right. Start with Jesus. Let Jesus come close. Let Jesus heal that issue in your life. I want to pray right now. Father, I just pray for anybody. Lift your hand if you need healing today. I pray for anybody right now that is hurt emotionally, that is hurt relationally. I speak the blood of Jesus. You are our healer. Thank you right now, God, that you'll heal relationships and heal our families out of this meeting today. In Jesus' name, and everybody said together, come on, give them one more praise. You got to get healed. Write down the next one. Make sure you're running in the same direction. Proverbs 24, verse 27. Do your planning and prepare your fields before building your house. So it's like I've got to make sure I'm dating this person or I'm getting ready to get married and I'm getting ready to get in this and I'm making my preparations and I'm getting my life ready and I'm planning this great day.

25:13 Anybody love weddings? Anybody love weddings? Man, I love a good wedding, man. Punch tastes better at the wedding. Anybody like a wedding cake? Man, do I love some, just extra frosting on that day. What is this, marble? Is this marble? I love marble. You guys do carrot cake? I love carrot cake. Love a good wedding. Making all these wedding preparations, the photographer and the DJ and all the stuff and the honeymoon. Oh, gosh, the honeymoon. We're going to Maui in Jesus' name. I'm happy you're preparing for a day. But when you get back, now you've got to live a life. And the life trumps the day. The life trumps the ceremony. And I'm making my preparations not for a day. I'm making preparations for a life. And I'm getting everything ready so we're building together.

26:09 That's why I can't be unequally yoked. I've got to get on the same page. I got to make sure, priority number one, are we going in the same direction? Have you ever been on a one-way? And you're driving on a one-way, and some car appears and starts coming at you? Has this ever happened to you? You find out if you're a cusser or a prayer real fast. You're driving down that road, and I see a car coming at me. Oh, she came in a Mazda, left in a Honda. You know, like, I'm a prayer. I pray. Y'all know your boy. I pray. and someone's coming right you some of you are willing to get into relationships with somebody going the wrong way and we've got to get our values right and our priorities right that we're headed in the same direction purpose passion purpose passion we live for god as for me in my house, we will serve the Lord.

27:12 We put God first above our lives, above our marriage. Jesus is the ruler and the controller of our future. It's going to be hard to get somebody to turn around. It's going to be hard. Come on, come on, come on. Come on, get to church with me. Come on, it's 10%. Come on, we've got to get in this connect. It's going to be hard.

27:35 I'm just trying to go in the same direction. When I was dating Julia, And I was, you know, 28, she was 25, you know. I don't know why that matters. Just facts. And I was a youth pastor in Bialyp, Washington, and I was running after God. And I started to get interested in date Julia, and I saw that she was beautiful, and she loved Jesus, and she could pray. Pastor Julia can pray. And I watched her pray one time. I said, dang, girl can pray.

28:17 She was full of life and adventure. And we were headed in the same direction. Some of us, I find, we're just like, you breathe? I breathe. Let's go. Yo, that's crazy. Yo, that's crazy. You breathe air? Shoot. Let's get together. Yo. Wow. You were on that app? I was on that app. Yo. What it do? Wow. What are the coincidences? A million of them.

28:54 We're not going in the same direction. Make your plan. Some of y'all are like, my bad. we have to make sure that we're not unequally yoked. The foundation of our house is built on Jesus. He's the cornerstone. Put up the scripture in Acts. It happens a lot through the scriptures. Psalm 118 is the first reference we see, but the Bible talks about this a lot, that the stone that the builders rejected, the Jews rejected Jesus as the Messiah, the stone that the builders rejected has for us, come on, Zoe, for us become the chief cornerstone. In other words, I'm building my whole marriage and my whole life on the name and the person Jesus. He is the cornerstone of my life.

29:49 And I build everything from, come on, give him a praise if that's your prayer today. I build everything from that rock. Come on, clap louder than that. That's my prayer. I'm building from there. It starts from there. It's not like six questions in, like, what do you think about faith? No, it's the first thing. It's the main thing. It's the future thing. It's going to be our children's prayer and our grandchildren's prayer, and we're going to build on Jesus.

30:20 Last one, number seven, last rule today. Worship team, you come join me. You can't fix them. Rings don't transform people. Ephesians 4, 22 Throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life which is corrupted by lust and deception Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes Put on your new nature created to be like God truly righteous and truly holy What I know about relationships is you can't change them only God can. And some of us think, well, when we date or when we get married, I'll change them. No, you won't. You could never do the job that only Jesus could do. Jesus changes lives. Rings do not change people. A ring is a symbol. When I wear a ring, it tells the world, I belong to one. And because I wear this ring, I have said yes to one, which means I say no to all others. But it's just a symbol. It's just a symbol. It's just, it's not even for me to be reminded. Oh, I forgot. I'm married. Yo, dang, it's crazy. I forgot about that, dog. That was a long, Sounds like 16 years ago.

31:49 That is crazy. It's not even for me. It's a symbol that signals sketchy people stay away. Right? It's a symbol. But that doesn't change this. Rings don't change people. Jesus changes people. Jesus changes people. doesn't he?

32:28 I have seen Jesus change lives that everybody else wrote off. I have seen Jesus change a woman that was at a well, a man that was filled with demons. I've seen Jesus change people in the Gospels, and I've seen Jesus change people in Los Angeles. Don't you think for one second that a ring will do what only God can do. God changes lives. the gospel is an inner work affecting our outer life religion comes from the outside in but Jesus changes from the inside Out.

33:17 I just want to encourage some of you like, I'm going to change them. Once I get my hands on them and once they get around me, you can influence people, but you can't change people. We need to allow the power of the Holy Spirit to do a mighty work inside of all of us to walk in freedom and purpose. Amen. Put this up on the screen. I love this thought. Marriage does not magically transform a person. You can't fix or change someone's bad habits. Grace, truth, community, and time can do that. I like that. I like that. Let me explain that. Grace, truth, community, and time. We can do that. The first thing that changes people is grace.

34:13 Jesus is grace. Grace is not a principle. Grace has a name, and his name is Jesus. And grace changes people. Can I get a good amen today? Come on, clap if you believe that about Jesus. Jesus changes people. So it's grace plus truth. What is truth? Truth is the truth of God's word. Jesus said, you will know my truth, and the truth will set you free. So it's grace plus truth. You need Jesus plus the truth of his word. Grace, truth, and community. That's why I've got to encourage you. Get into a connect group. Connect into community. Get into a connect group because you've got to get people that are going to encourage you to follow God. Encourage you in your hard times. Encourage you when you don't believe in yourself. You've got to have grace plus truth plus community. Come on, clap if you're thankful for the community of Zoe Church. Don't just come and spectate. You've got to plug in and participate. so it's grace, it's truth, it's community the right people, the right council the right friendships as iron sharpens iron so one person will sharpen another, it's grace plus truth plus community plus time I love that one because there's about seven things in me I'd love to change right now but it takes time, how about you?

35:25 so we change over time we change over time, over time we become who God has called us to become And you do that. You do that. You let God do that in somebody's life. Maybe they're not ready to date or they're not dateable right now. Give them a year. See what God will do in their life. Maybe you're broken and you're not in a place to enter and do a relationship. Give it a year. Let God do a mighty work in your life. Maybe in your marriage. Your marriage is not good today. You're not healthy. You're not clicking. You're not unified. That's all right. Let grace and truth and the right community get around you and some time, and you're going to see you flourish. Amen? Come on. Can you clap and thank God? Why don't you stand to your feet today?