AMA: Life, Marriage, Sex + More

0:03 All right. This is undoubtedly my favorite episode. Ask Me Anything. The primary reason I like this episode. Are you introing it? Yeah, I'm introing it. Oh, that's fun. I like it. Wow. We're really mixing it up. Okay. Yeah, we are. This is Ask Me Anything. And the reason I like this is it is a, by nature, it is a designed edition that is spontaneous. Addition, I meant episode. But it is a designed episode of spontaneity. And I think spontaneity is the spice of life. And I think Spawn 80 keeps your marriage fresh. Fresh or fresh? I think plans are the foundation of life. And plans keep your marriage and your life stable. Wah, wah. So ask me anything. What we have is you and I have both been given questions submitted by good old social media. Really? You are going to ask me questions. I'm going to ask you questions. We have different questions on our sheets. And we have not looked at this.

0:56 I promise you. Until we flip over the paper. Okay. So. Are we doing that right now? Yeah. Are we going to flip? Are we getting into it? Yeah. Ask me anything? Hold on. Wait. So how does this work again? I ask you what's on this paper? Uh-huh. And then I ask you. And we just talk about it. Okay. I don't. Babe, there's no rules. It's okay. Oh. Very, very funny. What do you think is on the paper? Uh-huh. It's probably something about sports. It's probably something about fashion. It's probably something about God. It's probably something about kids. It's probably something about sex. I was going to say sex and relationships and maybe some God in there. All right. Let's do it over. Should we do it? Hold on. Are we making a commitment to go top down or do we get to like pick and choose it at will? I don't know. The planning is exhausting me, so I'm not sure. Okay.

1:48 Pick and choose at will. Ready? Set. Go. Go. Whoa. okay i'm starting okay go for it what i'm gonna do top down what inspired you to start marriage mondays oh you're asking me that question marriage mondays for anybody who doesn't know it's the only really contribution i make to the world of social media i mean other than pictures of louie and like some great things on stories but um the most consistent contribution i made to the world of social media and how long has it been probably i have no eight nine ten years ago maybe some friends who were really near and dear to us tried their best in their marriage, but it just didn't work. And that broke my heart in a really extensive, not because I believe that there isn't life after divorce or because I believe God looks down at you because of divorce, but just seeing the pain it caused them, the pain it caused us, the pain it caused our children, this couple who'd been close to our family. And so I just thought, oh, you know what? I'm going to give a year to writing Marriage Monday and just giving one marriage tip on Monday, a simple practical tangible that if everybody could walk out for a week, it could, it was like my way, it was like my revenge, revenge on divorce. And I was only planning on doing it for a year, but. Oh, that's right. I do remember that. And then you've spent a whole lifetime. I think it's made our marriage better. And it is kind of nice to know, um, why our marriage is good, which is pretty much because of you. It's actually been fun. Cause like, if you're going to say you're going to do something, then you have to follow through and do it. So it's, it's, if nothing else, it's been great accountability for us.

3:21 And are you writing a book on Marriage Monday? That's on here too. No, it's not. Yes. I wonder when that's coming out. It was supposed to be done a year ago. Okay. That's kind of true. I thought this was asking me anything. Oh, sorry. Tattletale. If it's tattletale on your spouse, can I tattletale about the sink full of dishes that I came down to this morning? But yes, I just did. When I was doing school until 10 o'clock last night and the family is responsible for their own dinner and I came down to a sink full of dishes. Is that what, is that tattletail? But everything else was picked up flawlessly. The sink full of dishes I thought was one of the kids' jobs. Isn't it? I think the kids are all left. No, everyone's supposed to do their own dishes. But once, is there any other families like this? Once one dish gets put in the sink, then everyone else just follows suit. So, okay. Sorry, I was in a coffee helping humans. Okay, so I'm getting right into, I'm not choosing from the top.

4:16 Top down? You're not doing top down? No, I'm not doing top down. Oh, man. I don't want to do rules. Okay. So I'm just getting right into just a real zinger. Okay. Could you talk about the importance of having different opinions on politics in life, within a family and within a church, and how to deal with the tension it brings? If there was ever a question for 2024, there it is, ladies and gentlemen. I was in a conversation yesterday over a coffee, and this person asked me, you know, what would Jesus say to this, that, and the other that's going on here in the United States of America? We're in such a political season again with the same presidential candidates as we had 210 years ago.

5:11 And as a result, I mean, God bless both of those older gentlemen for sure. But I brought up the unique and unusual responses that Jesus had sometimes where he said, you know, when people are like, are you for this person, this person? He would say, yes. Are you for this? He'd say, no. Yeah. Well, no, no, no. You got to use a side. And he would oftentimes give kind of an ambiguous answer. Or my favorite was when he would answer a question with a question. Like, I'll tell you that. If you tell me this. Why doesn't Jesus get way more credit for being so sly that way? Well said. And I think in a way that's my answer. My answer is I think there is something that's transcendent above the constructs of policy making procedure bodies. We have to remember, I think, I don't know if we have to. That's a pretty dogmatic statement.

6:05 I mean, I think it'd be, it's probably beneficial to remember that the Republican Party was invented. The Democrat Party was invented. These are inventions. Man-made inventions. The Constitution was invented. Yeah, oh, I have to be careful. I know. That one fell from heaven. You know, the Constitution is invented. You know, honestly, and I don't, Chelsea and I don't mean to say these things because we are privy or passionate about one party over the other. I can honestly say at this point, you and I literally, and people may not like this, I wouldn't say that we're red or blue. I mean, honestly. I know. I actually want to do a whole podcast episode about that. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for asking me the hardest question. But I do think there's something, there's transcendent truth that was not invented. And it was there long before the invention of this country and sacred writings, as we call them and think that they are.

6:59 The only sacred writing to me is notes that you have written me in middle school and most importantly, the ancient scripture. Everything else is what it is. And as much as I appreciate policymakers, I mean, I really, really do. And I don't want their job, never do, never will. But I vote for the best I can. But I do think there's something transcendent. And that is, you know, families and marriages and relationships are far more important than these invented constructs to help us do effective policymaking. And I think it's important for us to remember that. Which is kind of. Kind of some sober mindedness, I guess. Yeah. Which is kind of why I like the question, by the way. Yeah. Which the question is, hey, why do we need to have both political perspectives or people who think differently or believe different in a family, in a church? And. Hmm. That's how the question was asked? Mm-hmm. Man, I don't remember that question. Could you talk about the importance of having different opinions on politics and life?

7:54 Oh, it's so important. Sorry. I, for some reason, I. Gosh, that's our marriage in a nutshell. I literally, this is the question I heard. Wait, that's our marriage in a nutshell? You not listening? Oh. Here we go. You set yourself up. Anyway, what was the question that you heard? I heard, what do you do in a family when you're like fighting over different political views? That's literally what I heard. And that's the question I was answering. What were you thinking about when I was asking the question? That's what I want to know. Man, that's a lose-lose these days. Right? That is a tough one. Let's move on. but it is so important to have different views. And I guess that's a much better answer, even to the question. I thought that was being asked. And that is like respecting each other's views and being like, okay, I see. And for us to all have the hue. I mean, I was just to think that Jesus is red or blue is kind of insulting. I was just, I was knee deep in Philippians yesterday, all day, all, all week as I've been studying that for school.

8:50 So like, there are going to be so many Philippians references. Here we go. Buckle your seatbelts. Listeners. He literally says, think of each other more highly than you think of yourself. And can you imagine if we had families and a church community when we had people from different political parties and we thought, you know what, maybe their opinions are better than mine. Maybe this person has something that I could learn from. Like, okay, that would be crazy. Can I just say like, if you or I, listeners or Chelsea and I have the answers to all the problems in the world or in a country, if we're not careful, doesn't that make us God? And maybe it doesn't. Maybe like that logic doesn't hold up. But let me say it like this. If we have the fix for everything, where is the trust God in the mystery? And that's always in play in human existence.

9:44 So I just, I don't know if the kind of the know-it-all syndrome is incredibly beneficial. I love it. We're answering questions, but we're like, don't be a know-it-all. Yeah. Well, that's how we're going to answer these questions. We're going to end them with, oh, I don't really know. I don't really know. Here's what's worked for me. All right. What do you got? Okay. Can you share some insights on keeping intimacy alive and exciting in marriage? Oh, by intimacy, do you mean sexual? mean sexual relationships uh yes i don't know that actually for sure um actually i'm gonna answer the question as is intimacy being more than sex being very connected i think it is so important tell me if i'm wrong again now i'm like so afraid of being a know-it-all you know what i mean it's an attitude it's a tone it's an approach absolutely um okay back thinking about our youth pastors youth pastor days, we'd talk about intimacy in the sense of there is a place where the most intimate thing that you can do with another human is when you are in a relationship that you are connecting physically, you're connecting on a soul level, emotionally and intellectually, and you're connecting spiritually on a spiritual level. And I think when all three of those things, I know for us, when we're connecting on all three of those, we're having sex consistently, we are talking and having shared, we're sharing our thoughts, we're sharing an activity together, that is so fun and when we're doing something spiritual together like our daily guided prayers in the morning that is a level of intimacy to me that just feels complete and they complement each other so well that man if our sex is good that helps us connect better spiritually when we're connecting well spiritually it provides so much trust for us to connect um emotionally and intellectually and with habits and so that's that would be my advice on intimacy what do you think That's really good.

11:39 I like it. Can I ask you another question? Sure. Since there's no rules and you don't want rules. Well, in regards to balancing, we've got intimacy, alive, exciting new marriage, and then... Is this a question from your sheet or are you making it up? No, no. This is the next question. I think it just works in tandem. How do you think we balance being driven yet content with our lives? you know that's intimacy alive and exciting in marriage but then you got a bunch of other stuff going on in life so there's there's there's a lot of connection which is really similar to a question that i have for you which which is what is your secret to staying hungry for life while being fulfilled whoa that is essentially the same question right yeah i'd say let's go together pretty well okay let's get into it okay you go first what was the exact question uh how do you balance being driven yet content with your life? Oh, this is a tough one for me. I think I am a naturally pretty content person. You know how different people have different gifts. Somehow, I think I just have a gift of contentment. Yeah. And maybe that's because I'm more of an introvert, maybe because I really entertain myself with my mind. I was going to say my mind is a beautiful place but whoa all right like it's it's it's a beautiful mind i have a beautiful mind yes you do i i think it's a beautiful i entertain myself with my thoughts very well yeah and that is true actually so you're good at being alone yeah i'm good at being alone so i don't really have fomo codependent i don't i don't really have fomo in much in life so i think there's probably i would really probably love to hear you speak to that question but so probably what i need to work more on isn't the contentment it's the drive um so maybe i could speak to that for me the only thing that really drives me or moves me is if there's a purpose behind it if i can see the purpose behind something then i'm all in i will give up my alone time with my entertaining mind to go to do it to

13:45 do a podcast or to do something i think that but i have if if something isn't tied to a purpose for me, it just doesn't work. I mean, obviously raising kids, there's such inherent purpose to it. Raising church, you know, leading a church there is inherent purpose to it. But for us doing church, there became a point where running seven services on Sunday didn't really have that much of a purpose to me when just learning about the transfer growth and all the things that were really happening. So tying things to purpose is always what drives me. How about you? What would you say? Well, the most honest answer, which I mean honest by saying this is what I actually do in my life. If I cut the tension between drive and contentment, because there's deep tension there. First of all, I believe in tension, the power of tension.

14:41 Yeah. So I think we all need tension. Can I just pause on that? I think so often in life we want to relieve tension when we don't realize that tension is the thing that's holding us. Where you often find truth. Together. Where you find truth. Where you find, I'll never forget a podcast that Andy Stanley did on tension and leadership. He's so great. And he talked about how as mammals we have opposable thumbs and that provides tension. And all the things that we can do because we have thumbs, which really is a tension creating device. So thank you, Andy Stanley, for that tidbit that I've said. Thanks, Andy. You've probably forgotten that you said it and I've said it a hundred times since. But yes, why are we trying to relieve tension when actually it is a gift from God? we see it throughout scripture and we see it in the universe. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. So that, that, and that's exactly where I'm going. I think, first of all, um, it says, how do you think we balance driven and content? Well, I think focusing on balance might be an error. Um, I just walk when I walk, but if I think about balancing, oftentimes I'm not very balanced and you lose Yeah, balance is something that when focused on, sometimes it can be compromised.

15:52 So I think instead of focusing on balancing, I think it's embracing the tension between being driven and content. There's going to be tension. And then ultimately, here's the part that's going to sound very, very spiritual. And you know that this is how I live my life. I had a coffee today with a potential partner on a project and money is just not what drives me in life. If any material thing drives me in life, I love real estate. You know that. I live on Redfin and other real estate apps. That's fun to imagine a life in a different environment. That's exciting to me. But money is not a real driver for me. So what drives me? I like to achieve but ultimately I like to make humans feel like they can fly you also like to win too you're very much a winner which I respect so much about you I like to question who's keeping score though for sure in sports and whatever you definitely have a drive to win which I love we could dive into that what I think winning in the world is but that's not on my list of questions for you. Oh, great. Can I, can I finish my thought or no? Okay, great. Um, honestly, I live in the tension of driven and content by what is God telling me to do? What's God telling us to do? And how I hear from God would be a whole podcast in terms of what I think, but, but ultimately it is this, um, deep sense of premonition that I know God's like to do this.

17:26 And you and I've walked away from things that, um, made a lot more sense and a lot more money, but it's just God didn't tell us to do it. No, thank you for saying that. And I actually do believe that is the most honest answer. If there's a God and he's alive, he speaks. There's no doubt about it. And yeah, and listening to him just creates a really fun spontaneous adventure. Thank you. Okay, question for you. This is the top question. What is inspiring you most right now?

17:54 The concept, if I'm really, really honest, it's the concept of the whole world seeing Jesus and what that would look like. The whole world. Like, particularly, I'm inspired by what would God, what would his approach be? And what does he have up his proverbial sleeve, so to speak, to show humans on earth right now who don't believe in him, who are mad at him, want nothing to do with him, and have ensured that their environments have eradicated all evidence and elements of him. What would be God's current plans to show those beautiful, wonderful humans who he really is?

18:51 And that really, really inspires me and all the art that goes into that and all the approach that goes into that and how that affects our family and our kids and what we spend our money on and how we make money and where we go. I really am truly inspired by that. That's the coffee I just had before we turned on the cameras with a friend. It was just like, man, I am just really, really inspired by how that's going to happen. And in some small way, I hope that you and I are a part of not just speaking to people that believe in Jesus, but I would just love to speak to more people who don't believe in him and share with them why I do. And also under the premise that what inspires me is that I can't convince anybody and sway anybody. If I can, it's artificial, but you know, God has to do this miraculous thing. Jesus' followers denied him when he was being crucified, but then he appeared to them and they all were willing to die and many did. You know, the about face that even his followers make when Jesus resurrects and walks through the wall and appears to his disciples is so transformative that I crave how that's going to happen in today's world.

20:04 I remember like 15 years ago, gosh, this is making me sound old, but we have a son to get married so he can be old. And you started saying this that transformed me in the way I thought about leadership and people and so many things. And that was, you know, Jesus is so good. He's so loving. He's so compelling. If people could actually see him for who he really is, not through a culture who's made him to be or through a system who's made him to be, but through the Jesus that we actually see in the Bible, that he's almost irresistible. Like somebody, because God has given us free will, yes, we can still choose to resist him. That's where we get the almost. But if you actually see him and know him the way that you and I see him and know him, It's just really hard to resist him. And not that that makes like, you know, all the things. But thank you for answering that way. He's the only perfect being in the universe. Yeah, it is.

20:56 That's a really honest answer for you. Thanks for answering honestly. What's most inspiring you right now? That's not how this is supposed to work. You're supposed to ask me a different question. Okay, okay. You want me to do it? Yep. Could you share your thoughts on navigating the awkward space between not being a young adult but yet not close to your 40s? the other day, you remember back that far? Yeah. For anybody who didn't want the navigating the other day, we were in a meeting with, um, different ministry leaders within church home and something for a question for young adult came up. It's like, Oh, I think the young adults are feeling this. And I said, well, sorry, when you say young adults, what age do you mean? And we, and we'd been in a conversation about young adults for a solid like eight minutes. and everybody who participated in that question had a different version for what being a young different different definition for what being a young adult is some people like oh no it's college students oh it's people in their late 20s oh people who are still seeing it and so that question makes me laugh because i feel like now i need to define what young adult is i look at my audience probably that from a mom perspective because we are in our 40s i look at our son who's 19 and i think he better be a young adult i mean i realize he's still a teenager because he's 19 but if he's not a young adult then when is he still like see he's a kid he's an adult who's young i mean i realize his frontal lobe is still being developed and that develops until we're 25 and there's still evidence of that in his life but um so but i think it's is that i think there is a myth when people say young adults. And that is the myth that young adults is a space between graduating high school and figuring out who you are and what you want to do in life. And you feel like your life is settled and you haven't been in life feel settled. I don't know how much that exists in so many ways. I feel less settled now than when we were 25. Um, as far as we were 25,

23:02 I think we, we would have answered these questions so much more definitively and thought we knew so much more and, and, and didn't embrace the mystery of God as much as we do now. And for us, like the mystery of life that's about to happen as far as what is life actually going to be as our kids are here, graduating high school and getting married, we have empty nest. And so I think it is a myth that you enter the season of life in your forties where you get married and you have a kids and you have a mortgage and you get to settle down and you kind of have life figured out. And so probably my answer I'd give would be, Hey, don't get into that myth. Just consider yourself an adult now. You're out of high school. Consider yourself an adult. And just live life to the best of your ability. And embrace the mystery of it and the adventure of it. And know that there's probably always going to be mystery and adventure and uncertainty in life. So just kind of get used to it.

23:54 And that's part of adulthood. Is that a mean answer? No. And I think they use the word awkward. I would say, you know, whatever's awkward is, just embrace its awkwardness. You know, just embrace it. Yep. Yep. Just own it. And for people who would consider young adults out there, who I would say early 20s, right? Anything after early 20s. I think. I mean, I just, yeah. I don't know. Yeah. But it's just enjoy every season and don't wish for the next one. You know? Totally agree. All right. All right. This is a fun one. What advice do you have, Judah, for high school sweethearts navigating long-term relationships or marriage? what advice oh my goodness that is a hard question um so am i safe in saying i guess you don't really have much backstory either but yeah that these people were high school sweethearts and they've been in a relationship for a long time right like can we make up a story can we make up a story that these people are high school sweethearts and he is ready to get married and she She isn't.

25:07 And they're trying to navigate that. Let's make up a backstory with it. That's so much more fun, right? Yeah, that has to be it. Well, I don't know. I mean, I think that's a really tough question. It's so unique for each person too, you know? So I just am really hesitant to speak. I know what advice I would give. Oh, okay. Find a good relationship counselor, a good licensed family marriage and therapist and go to somebody. Not everybody can afford that. That's a presumptuous answer. Yeah, that's true. Okay, then read some really good books together. Yeah, well, I would say seek to understand the other person and ask them what gets them going and what moves them and what's important to them. I guess my advice would be this. Presume nothing. Assume nothing.

26:00 And keep learning about each other. and don't take it for granted that you've been together as long as you have. And don't take it for granted that because you've been together, that you know everything that is to be known about that person. I think there's a full lifetime of understanding to be had and to be done. And I think entitlement is an interesting attitude that settles in sometimes when we start to just go, oh, I know them, I know this. And you just take them for granted. And I sent you a text yesterday because I think I was feeling like, man, have I really, have I taken Chelsea for granted the last few days? Have I just assumed like her love and her affection and her affinity? And do I realize what I have in her? And, you know, longevity can do that. It can just lull us into this kind of blase existence where we just, you know, and it loses its shine, its luster. It doesn't have to.

27:00 It's just that the moment you drive that new car off the lot, it drops in value in our culture for a reason. We are not pre-programmed. Hold on, I missed the car analogy. What do you mean by that? Well, I just think sometimes human, like where did we come up with this concept that a brand new car, you drive it off a lot and it drops in value thousands of dollars. Oh, sorry, you're saying that the relationships, like those euphoric. Like a new relationship is like a new car. But the moment you drive it off the lot, it's like culture just seems to impose, well, it's not as shiny, not as new, not as cool, not as valuable. And I think relationships can work that way where all of a sudden the luster and the shine and the new wax job is like fading. And now you've got to go to the local car wash and you've just got to go through the motions and you're like, I need a new car. You know, and the old adage that, you know, I've tried you in for a new model, you know, that whole thing. And I do think in a lot of ways it is a mentality.

27:54 And it's a, I think it can be somewhat minimized and thwarted by being grateful and realizing what you have. How often have you been tempted to trade me in for a new model? Well, certainly it's not multiple times a week, you know, but a few times a week, you know. I'm kidding. Come on. It's been hours since I thought about trading you in. No, no. Come on. That's a joke. it is a real temptation or just to think in hard moments i met with i met with someone who's going through a really difficult chapter in their marriage and they actually said you know i've had a lot of thoughts lately what would it be like to be with somebody else and i do think that that reoccurring thought can be indication of maybe some stuff that needs to be adjusted and changed so i can happily say that um like like the next person i have often thought what i'd do if you died. If you don't die, I don't have any plans of changing our arrangement. I know you don't have plans. No, like I don't want to, I don't want to start. I'm too tired. I kind of want to start over. We have come way too far. Like I, I love you too much work. And we're, we're getting into a real pocket here where our kids are going to be raised and we're going to have grandkids and we're going to, it's going to be great. So I'm really looking forward to it.

29:11 I really am. But yeah, I mean, you know, you had that thought like, what if I married someone else, but what if Chelsea died? What would I do? Generally speaking, it's a horrifying thought. That's a good sign. That's a really good sign. That's how I feel about it. All right, love it. But no, I don't feel like trading you in right now. No, thanks. Do you feel like trading me in right now? No. Promise? Yeah. Except for the dishes and the things this morning. Or when my beard's too long. And your beard's too long. You do feel like trading me in. It literally gives me the... The heebie-jeebies. Literally the heebie-jeebies. But even that... I was going to trim it today, too. Oh, good. but I got up early. I haven't, you know what I mean? I think it's your turn to ask. I think it's your turn to ask. Oh, oh, thanks for asking. I mean, thanks for commenting. What are your thoughts on raising kids who follow Jesus?

29:58 I recommend it. She can't stop thinking about me trading her in. That's the problem. So we, we might, I just, honestly, we need to let our listeners know, stand by. We need to let our listeners know that this, this, if you stop this episode now, it makes sense because I believe, we have lost Chelsea. I think she's considering who I have thought about trading her in for, and we may not get her back. At least her full attention. And that's fine. It's just something needs to be said. Go ahead. Furthest thing from the truth, I'm so confident that you don't want to trade me in that I was confident enough to ask the question. I think a lot of people may not ask the question. Raising kids who follow Jesus. First thing that comes to my mind is probably somewhat cheesy, but if that's a desire you have for your kids, you know, obviously our goal is that they would follow Jesus for themselves, not because we told them to, not because they asked, we asked them to, but they would have real encounters and just have their own real relationship with Jesus. But there is a scripture where Paul, who was, you know, like the pastor over a bunch of communities was writing. And he said to people, Hey, why don't you follow me the way that I follow Jesus. And I think the bottom line about raising kids to want to follow Jesus is probably the most important thing that you can do for them is to genuinely follow Jesus yourself and to let them see that and let them see the heart of it, the doubt of it, the good, bad, the ugly. Let them see us interacting with Jesus on a daily life, bringing him into our decisions, our thoughts, our conversations, our prayers, not that we're weird about it, but that it's genuine, that we actually do try to treat people the way that Jesus asked us to treat people and not just for show and not just because we're faith leaders and it's our job, but just because it's real.

31:47 So I think that would be the first thing. The second thing is I've never had a minute of being afraid that my kids aren't going to follow Jesus. And that wasn't necessarily the case for the church environment we grew up in. There was such a fear of having your kids backslide, which is a whole nother theological thing that we don't even need to get into. That word that's not in the Bible, we'll just call it that way. But our kids are on a journey and it's gonna be their own journey. And it's gonna be the way that God has intended for it to play out for each one of those as individuals. And how it looks for Zion is not how it's gonna look for Elliot. It's not how it's gonna look for Grace. And it's interesting seeing as they come into young adulthood or teenagehood that God really has met them all such in very unique and different ways and really according to their personality. And so I think as parents, if you just take the pressure and the stress off of it and just let it be as natural as when Jesus called the disciples, he said, hey, follow me, follow me.

32:52 letting it be full of faith and God's big and he'll show up and he will show himself to our kids and our teenagers and just having a sense of faith and ease and I am also not afraid of this big bad world that's going to get them and it's going to indoctrinate them because the world doesn't have power or lure compared to the power and reward that Jesus has and I think that's where you and I are very different in the way that we grew up is that our kids have seen a ton. Our kids have seen more things than I saw until I was 40 probably. 40, yeah, minimum. Probably even more. I mean, they're in public schools in LA. Yeah. But the ability to see all that and know, Jesus stands up against all of it. And yeah, there's some moments where we have to choose some things that don't sound super fun in the ways of Jesus.

33:49 But I think because, yeah, I'm probably rambling now. But that's what I would say. Yeah, and a need for Jesus is kind of essential to following him. And sometimes, you know, if you put your kids in environments where they don't really need for much or want for much, it's hard for them to see. If you do all the saving, I wonder if your kids need a savior. and you know I do live in the tension of we don't parent our kids from our own ego at least we try not to and meaning like how my kids act is not a direct reflection on me and yet I believe that ultimately your kids don't follow what you say they really follow who you are and in that sense your kids are this mirror of you that is either very exciting or very horrifying.

34:49 And in the same day, it's often bull. Let's be honest. It's exciting and horrifying. But I do think it's interesting. People are like, I'm teaching my kids the scripture. You know, you'd probably be more effective if you lived it. Or just be honest, even with your proclivities and shortcomings and weaknesses. That's how I see it. Don't you think it's also about having a long-term perspective towards our kids? That I've said this before. I'm not just trying to get them to act and look and behave a certain way when they're 18 and get into college and then, whew, wipe my hands if it's done. Now let's go be done being parents.

35:25 We're raising a 50-year-old. We're raising a 70-year-old. Even your motto that we have for better at 70, I want that to be our motto for our kids. Same. Yeah. Same. But it is fun. It is fun. Yeah, have a good time because it's short. Yeah. It's short. And man, we're all so serious about raising humans, but raising humans is the most hilarious act that God ever put us involved in. It's the funniest little thing ever. These little bones and bodies and structures and skeletons are growing and evolving and you're like, it's acute. And then it's like, you want to kill them. And then you want to like be just like them. And then you want to like never see them again. It's just hilarious trajectory that God puts us on. And then if I have learned anything from anything I have learned from raising kids. I will say this. It's hilarious. We talk about teenagers so often because that's the season we're in now. But when I think back to toddlerhood of kids, we, but I, was very strict.

36:26 The kids laugh about how strict we were. And I don't regret that either. I think the strictness of the toddlerhood has led to flexibility of teenagehood, if that makes sense. That's a good observation. We can talk more about that later. Do you have a question for me or do you just want me to keep peppering you with questions? I have a question for you. And that is, what is the one thing every communicator must do to be effective? Assume nothing on your audience. what do you mean by that expand on that Don't assume that we know what that means. I think... well this is goodbye folks this will be my last podcast for the rest of my life since you're trading me for another bottle come on cindy crawford if you're out there um i love her she's so beautiful i love cindy so much um uh i think i think we have had the privilege of hanging out with cindy and i do love her and that if that's a flex so be it but do you remember i was so the age of what we are i hope cindy watches this i do really do because cindy and randy we love you so much and i was mesmerized i was just like i was just like i was in a convo with her and i just was like and i'd be we talking and then dawn's on you you're talking to cindy crawford and i just had to like calm down i was like why are we talking about this when we were in high schoolers she when we were high school she would be like ultimate anyway totally totally she's so cool don't assume don't assume anything on your audience yeah and i think yeah i think um what i mean by that is is you know good and effective communication really is all predicated upon your audience and and you know has a has a leader truly communicated if the listener hasn't heard and the answer to that is no you're just talking to yourself. So I think the assumptions and presumptions we make on the audience

38:33 is things like they know who I am. Um, they know my story. Uh, they want to hear what I have to say. Um, I'm really smart. Um, they're impressed by me. Uh, they, um, are going to listen the whole time. I'm the primary voice in their life you know all these just different I could keep going yeah all these different assumptions that communicators make and that's why if you're listening I think that's why a lot of us as listeners go what is wrong right now with this why don't I like this communicator they're talented they're good what's annoying me assumption and a presumption you just vibe it and you feel it we're humans we're like yeah I hey I don't know like my favorite is when people will come up to me because maybe a few people out there know who know who we are but I really when I say a few like I'm not being false humble it's literally a few and I love when people like hey first of all I don't know who you are and my answer which is the only honest answer I could give is yeah most people don't like I I don't live from a preface that when I stand on a stage. I love Dave Chappelle, but I wish I was Dave Chappelle. I'm not. I'm not Justin Bieber.

39:55 I'm not Lana Del Rey. We are who we are, and those are people we admire and love and in some cases get to know. Most communicators aren't Dave Chappelle, Justin Bieber, or Lana Del Rey. You know what I mean? They're not. If President Obama gets on a stage, you know what let's let president assume everybody kind of knows his story and knows who he is but for the most of us as communicators that assumption and presumption costs us dearly and so speaking you're looking at me with suspicious eyes no i'm have i said something wrong no no no you haven't said anything wrong at all but we actually can talk about tension so much in this episode but there's also a tension that you feel as a communicator of that sometimes if you over If you spend so much time giving all the context and getting all the assumptions, then it takes so long to say something. This is another friction in our marriage is that before I finish a thought, because I take so long to get to my point, you just cut in and critique it before I even give it.

40:56 So that's annoying. I bet Cindy wouldn't do that. That's funny. Oh, man. We are going to get some emails on this episode. But I don't read them. But I do think to conclude my thought on assumptions is it's not that, and I have suffered greatly from over contextualizing and where I literally, the reason I'll go an hour and a half or an hour on a sermon is because I had to clue everybody into my story and the story and everything that's going on. You're like, Judah, you just can't do that every time because it takes too long. Hence the question I'm answering right now and how long it's taking. But what I mean by assumption is that in your thinking and in your preparatory, preparatory, in your preparation before the message or the speech or the delivery is that you prepare content assuming everyone knows where you're coming from, who you are, whatever. I just think your content baked into it needs to be this humble warrior that says, man, I've got to earn the right to be heard.

42:02 I have got to capture the attention. I've got to make this story matter to my listener. That makes for good communication because that brings the communicator to a humble place in their preparation to go, man, I just can't assume that people just are going to turn on this podcast and just, I can be laissez-faire in this episode because we know who Jude and Chelsea are. The majority of people cluing in right now, hopefully don't know who we are and are considering whether or not they want to listen to our content, our responses, our answers, and our delivery. And so I just think good communication starts with good thinking. And good thinking starts with being like, okay, if I had to communicate who I am, where I am, where I'm going, why this matters, what's going on, I'll give you one little practical tool. Every single time, no matter where I'm speaking, when I'm speaking, how I'm speaking. And by no means am I presuming that I am the best at what I do, not at all. But if they're in the amount of time I've been doing this, I've been on stage since I was nine years old. I'm 45. So I've been doing this a long time, right? I would say identifying the need you are trying to meet, whatever that need is. The culture calls it felt need. You can call it whatever you want. But if I'm given a five minute, three minute, 50 minute delivery. What target am I hitting? Like for instance, the felt need right now for this episode could be people looking for practical answers on everyday living. Okay. That's pretty broad. Now narrow that down. Is there a specific age group demographic? And that to me helps me distill my delivery in a way that I think makes it more effective. So there's a number of things we can talk about effective communication and different things I agree with and disagree with. And what And I'm constantly learning and trying to grow in this area.

43:57 But I do think it's important, no matter what kind of communicator you are, to identify the felt need. I love that. And I love that that's what came out of you. Okay, our time is coming to a close. Let's say one. You were so annoyed with that long answer, by the way. It is so obvious. The tension is so palpable right now in this room. It is so annoying. And I would like to ask you a question. When you are annoyed with your husband, what do you do with your face? We each get one. No, that was a question. when you're annoyed or your husband what do you do with your face because whatever you're doing right now isn't working we each get one last question is that your question I wasn't annoyed I you don't think it's honest I think it's very honest I just it is it's very honest but no as you were as you were saying like oh shoot this is what I was annoyed at I'm like oh but we don't have a felt need that we're meeting with this podcast because it's just it's just buckshot so I don't know what to do with that so I'm just going to pretend like I don't think that and move on we absolutely have a felt need.

44:55 And I just somewhat communicated. I think there are people out there that are practitioners of everyday, average, ordinary life that we all live. And they want to want some quick answers. And I think that will give them a pep in their step and a, a jazz in their pizzazz. Well, that's a great, I think everybody is looking for a pep in their step and a jazz in their pizzazz. So consider me wrong. We have a very highly, highly felt, felt need. Cindy. All right. You can't keep doing that. You can't keep doing that. Like a primal cry for Cindy. Primal? That's a little deep. Do we end it on that or one more question each? Let's do one more question each. I'm sorry. Okay. Do you want to go? You ask me, then I have a good one for you to end it on. Okay.

45:46 Oh, man. All right. Here we go. oh this is a good one this is a good one how do you deal with negative thoughts and manage mental health wow oh man that's a really good one I think for me, the trickiest thing about our thoughts is the more we, you're really struggling with that microphone. Yeah. Yeah. It's okay. It's, it's, it's, it's going to hold on long enough for the episode. Look, look, it's awesome. It's so good. Okay. No, not a problem. Go ahead. I think. No, it's fine. Go ahead. Go ahead. No, I'm good. Please answer the question. Um, again, how do you deal with negative thoughts and management? It's so loud right now. Okay, sorry.

46:35 I think that the more we tell ourselves... Can you imagine? The more we tell ourselves not to think about something, the more we think about something. That's true. Like the more you tell yourself, don't think about Cindy, girl. Don't think about Cindy. The more I tell myself, don't get annoyed at his beard. Don't get annoyed at his beard. It's great. Stop thinking about it. We just tend to think about it. Not the way it is right now though, right? Is it pretty trim right now? I need to trim it up again. Yeah. you just yeah you said you're gonna keep like a week ago you said you trimmed it to a good length i can keep it this length i'm like yes and then it's a week later and you haven't trimmed it it grows really fast okay sorry um the so we could tell ourselves all day don't think negative thoughts and that actually just probably leads to pondering on negative thoughts yeah good point Whereas if I'm annoyed at your beard, but instead I think, wow, Judah's such a great husband. He's so kind.

47:31 I can't believe he sent me that text message that day. That was so thoughtful. It came to me at just the right time. Oh, his lips. I love his lips so much. I love kissing him so much. Then all of a sudden I'm just not thinking the negative thought. And I just get to think thoughts and gratitude and, and all the other things. So yeah, that would be my practical tidbit. It's very, very good. Mental health. I totally agree. For me, mental health has a lot to do with physical health and energy. And I love this is where you and I and our differences and even in our spiritual practices are so different. But for me, a Sabbath day is just a game changer for me and my mental and physical. Day of true rest. Day of true rest. A day, and for me, a Sabbath is just- Digital cleanse, the whole thing. I don't do digital cleanse. I can watch Netflix all day. Oh, I just went your phone. I can text you too. I'm not trying to sound serious, Jill.

48:24 It's just, it's a day where I have nothing planned that I have to do. And the goal, the goal is to accomplish nothing except for rejuvenate. You know, think about, yeah, God, the father took a day of rest after creation. It was just a day where I'm not getting anything done today. So for me, that's my very simple definition of Sabbath. But that for me is a game changer in mental health for me. Okay. Okay. Last question for you. I have heard you say, I've never seen this before in your sermons, which I love, by the way. And I love it every time you're preaching and you do that. I always lean in because every time, I've never seen that before either. That's amazing. Where does he come up with that? And I know it's God talking to you and I love that so much. So I've heard you say that. But is there a scripture that you're seeing something new in right now? Oh, wow. That's such a good question. Um, well the challenge is, um, it's usually, you know, something I am thinking on that starts with, uh, for me. And then now, I mean, in the way that my rhythm in life works, I only really usually end up preaching something that has been life to me and important to me.

49:45 you know there are we're we're preaching a lot through through romans and some of our recordings for the future of our community and so i love that yeah that's really really been helpful yeah i mean and then i just did a uh a treatment and i have a research person who helps me which ben is just an incredible human being and and he works with original language and and he'll give me briefs and manuscripts and things so shout out to ben um but uh yeah romans 12 1 and 2 the whole renewing of the mind um yeah i let's not make assumptions that people know what romans 12 1 and 2 is i can't stand her

50:35 uh romans 12 which is a letter written in 57 a.d by the apostle paul some 60 years post the resurrection and ascension of the christ uh written by a elderly man at this point who is what's that christ resurrected and ascended in 30 so 57 isn't like 37 years another great point touche uh you get it but anyways uh you know what paul cindy when he calls you out on that you are outrageous i really hope she sees this episode um yeah i there's this passage we'll just leave it at that and and paul's writing to ancient jesus followers living in ancient rome and um he's giving you know practical tools for practical living and he's like, listen, I beseech you like a sibling by the mercies of God, which is every day the Bible says we wake up not with what we deserve, which is a crazy concept. Every day we wake up, we don't deserve it. God's not giving us what we deserve. He's given us the opposite of what we deserve. And that's a concept that's fresh to me. I've seen it before, but that's fresh to me.

51:51 But then the thing I've never seen before is that the way the metamorphosis of God happens, which that word transformation in Romans 12, I think it's verse 2, is the term that the worm becomes the butterfly. It says don't be conformed, but be transformed. That word conformed means the surrounded reality of linear time and space becomes so pervasive that it causes you to conform instead of transform. But the way that we transform is that God, in a much more pervasive way, surrounds us. The culture surrounds us. Time surrounds us. Nature surrounds us. Oxygen surrounds us. Skin surrounds us. Art surrounds us. And it can tell us something that this is the end all be all.

52:45 But I think the magic of Romans 12 now is this idea that God surrounds us. and that his surrounding is more pervasive, more potent, more powerful, and that what seeps into our soul is his reality. And so instead of becoming like our surroundings, we actually become what his love tells us we are, which I think is how a human becomes the truest version of themselves. and I think it's how we choose what the scripture calls the better way which is to live like Jesus and I don't think anyone watching this speaking of assumptions I'm not going to assume that everyone watching this believes that Jesus is the superhero of the world but I will say this I would simply put before anyone no matter what your religion, belief or none at all if the world all lived like Jesus the world would be a completely different place.

53:47 So I love him, want to look like him, want to love like him, live like him. So I am seen in a fresh way how every single day he surrounds me with his reality and his love. And if I yield to that, I will free the butterfly in me and not be a worm.