AMA: Marriage, Pressure, and Sex Life

0:03 So excited about this episode. This is one of my favorites is the ask me anything questions that has have come in from listeners all over the world. Oh, all over the world. All over the world. That's how our buddy used to talk. Oh, Elliot. Our middle son. The world. And then the saddest part was his older brother was making fun of him for, because he couldn't say his, his R's or his W's were all. And he goes, I know I don't say it white. I was like it was there it's one of those there's so many things about parenting you forget and then so many moments that are just like emblazoned into your memory and that he was in the backseat of the car I know I don't say it white oh love it anyway so from all over the world yeah all over the world all over the world questions by the way if you ever if anybody ever has questions that they want feel free DM me DM Judah type them voice memo them We actually really do like getting into...

1:02 Yeah, these are my favorite episodes, probably. I mean, having friends on and people we love, that's fun too. I know. One of these days, we're going to get our kids on here, and then that will actually be my favorite. One of these days. One of these days. They're just really tough to schedule these days, these teenagers. Isn't that the truth? They have lives and all sorts of things. Great point. Good point. Okay. Oh, you're talking while drinking? I'm sorry. All right. Yeah, good point. All right. Here we go. I thought you were going to say something for longer than you normally you can go on a bit of diatribes okay here we go I have plenty of time to take sips but you did that one quickly so I didn't have time true to ask me anything you and I have not seen these questions yet which I love well you haven't either no I haven't either this is a price for both of us which is fun but I have been told they're around the context of marriage and relationship and family in fact. Mowage. Mowage.

1:58 Okay. What's it from? Princess Bride. Come on, man. Yes. Who was the actor? I wanted the giant. No, that was Billy Crystal. Marriage. Sorry. We were with some friends and I, I definitely got made fun of for my love for random facts, which made me so happy. Cause I really liked that about myself and I like getting made fun of that.

2:23 All right. That's awesome. Oh, I really liked this question. The first one I don't like, so I'm not going to get to it for real. Can I do the first one? No, maybe we'll get to it later. It's just, I don't know. Here, this, I like questions that get things going, you know. Here's a question. Is a legal marriage necessary to be considered married in the eyes of Jesus? Ooh, man.

2:52 First of all, I plead a level of ignorance that is just only as honest as I can be. I do think that there are some nuances in scripture that I don't totally understand so here's my response by the way this is not a question and answer this is question and response he's gonna have an answer but we'll always have a response the tyrannical governing bodies of antiquity seem to still be acknowledged and we still are invited even peering in as modern readers into ancient writings to ancient people living in ancient worlds, we are clearly instructed in this mystical, magical book of the New Testament to honor and respect the governing bodies that we respectfully find ourselves in. Not to in any way say just to blindly accept things that are contrary to the way of Jesus and the teachings of Jesus, but to honor constructs And one of the constructs being, you know, marriage license and these types of things, I think lead me to believe the top of my head that, you know, I, we obviously work within that construct.

4:10 We do a lot of weddings and we end up signing certificates. And I think the other day we, there was another couple who went away on their honeymoon and came back only to realize that the marriage license had not been signed. Oh, I didn't hear about that. Yeah, I haven't told you about that. Well, you've heard about that before, but the latest one you haven't heard and you don't know who it is. But it was like, oh man. I can't wait until after the episode. And I think the couple felt bad, but I don't think they should feel bad. But I appreciate them honoring that construct. But I'd be really interested to know how you feel about that. Yeah. Again, I don't feel like I have an answer. I feel like I have a response for sure. I love the scripture that you referenced. I think it's in...

4:48 I actually can't remember where it is. Oh, you know I don't know in what location it's in. I just drew a blank. But I do know that it was written during the era of Nero, who was Caesar at the time, who was persecuting Christians. And even in that context, Paul said, pray for authority, honor the government, pay taxes, which is really wild in that context. And I think sometimes as followers of Jesus, there was obviously the one time where the disciples were told not to preach Jesus. And they were saying, no, we believe God, not you. So we obey men rather than God. Yeah. So there is a bit of context there. I, in this question, I would probably ask, why do you not want to get married in front of the government? Like what is holding you back? Paul said this, he said, Hey, all things are law are lawful for me to do as a follower of Jesus. It's not like there's this standard of right and wrong that I need to check off. But he said, not all things are beneficial. And I would probably just say, why do you not want to get married in front of the law? Like, is there something in you that feels like if you're just doing it before God, that it's a little less severe. Because obviously that means there are legal ramifications that if you decide to separate, you don't have to go through the divorce process, which can be costly. So I would just wonder why. Yeah. And honestly, we know plenty of people who haven't done this. And by no means is this intended to be shade, but in all transparency and honesty, I would just say, you know, planning to have an easier exit isn't always beneficial in a relationship. And I'm not saying that we haven't been with individuals who've signed prenups and postnups. And I mean, we've been around and had a lot of different scenarios and situations, but not exhausted by any means, but enough to know like, hey listen pre-nup post-nup like we've seen all that uh it's really not for us to say but generally speaking i think you and i subscribe um our journey is very unique and individual to us

6:54 25 years of marriage but boy to make it easy so to speak to exit um uh you know can't can can play with your mind a little bit of your thoughts and and sometimes honoring the government in terms of a marriage license can make it a little bit more, you know, all right, maybe I'm going to stick this out. And that could be so, so limited in explanation. And there's plenty of people out there who could argue against that and make a case for the otherwise, but we're also speaking very much from an American context. So yeah, of course. So again, not, not an answer, not an answer, but a response, a response, like a pretty, pretty thorough one. Okay. Um, Judah, there's a number between two and 14. Give me a number. We're going to pick a question by number.

7:40 Oh, five. Okay. Number five. Ooh, I like this one. How do you make sound decisions when under pressure? Um, to be honest, I actually think it's not letting pressure lead the decision. I think if you look at performative athletics, the people that perform well under pressure are actually the people that can slow down in the pressure and kind of go back to the future, to go back to kind of their preparation, to go back to what they know that they're capable of, and the game slows down if it's a game, and they perform under pressure. So I actually think, ironically, when you're under pressure and have to make a decision, I think it's not letting pressure lead the decision. But I would say let passion lead the decision.

8:36 Ultimately, of course, let the person of God lead the decision. But simply put, what I am suggesting is when you're in pressure and you've got to make a decision, slow down and allow God to take the pressure and say, okay, what's the decision that needs to be made? By the way, I'll make a strong case that sometimes when you're under pressure, you wait to even make a decision. Sorry, you said something and you lost me because I'm so proud of myself. I have a really good NBA stat that I want to share. Okay. I just shared my heart about making decisions under pressure and you are over here giddy about an NBA stat. So please help us. I will help with the NBA stat. Jamal Murray of the Denver Nuggets is the greatest, Elliot told me yesterday.

9:33 Oh, boy. I know this stat and you don't. Is the greatest playoff elevator of all time. Normal stats, he's 50th. Playoff stats, he's number eight. He just elevates for the pressure of the playoffs. Right? Did I say it right? All right. So back to In Good Faith. We're back now. And shout out to Jamal Murray. evidently uh sorry the question back to the question back to the question yeah no sorry i love what you were saying at the end of that i yeah i think some of the best advice it's not probably biblical advice i can't think of any biblical precedent for this but just it has been given to us by people who have walked walked through more life than we have is don't make big decisions when you're under pressure yeah don't make big big life changes like don't that's not when you decide to move or get married or divorce or change careers or whatever those big life decisions are not under pressure is not a great time to make those life decisions which i do find fascinating the amount of people who move during covid no no no shame i don't even know if that's personal pressure so much as maybe pressure was relieved in some ways so people could make decisions. But yeah, I think in general, in making decisions, especially under pressure, one of the other things that has been significant for us, the Bible says in the multitude of counselors, there is safety. And that is always being willing to get advice from other people.

11:03 And not just waiting around until you can like find somebody who will tell you what you want to here. Like, oh yeah, sure. Uh, you go, go ahead and get that divorce or whatever. But in the multitude of counselors, there is safety. Um, having pre-established relationships in your life with people who you trust, who you can go to in times of pressure when you need to make a decision and say, Hey, I can't see clearly right now because of stress and this pressure. And, but I'm thinking this and I'm thinking that what is your advice? Now, if you find those people and they're people who quickly give you solutions and not thoughts, I'd maybe find some different advice. Because ultimately one of the objectives that I think you got to keep in mind is instead of reacting under pressure, you're really trying to respond under pressure. And the difference, by the way, very quickly, reacting is only working with the elements in front of you at that exact moment, which oftentimes can provide with pressure distortion of the facts and reality.

12:05 but if responding, I think is this part of preparation and part of who you are that you're like, I'm bringing to this heightened intensified moment who I am as opposed to just what's happening to me and what's going on right now. And fine, forget it. I'm out. I quit. You know, and that's for me as an emotionally driven person, I'm speaking from enormous times of error when I make decisions just out of emotion under pressure. But I want to brag on you because you are very emotional and you're expressive in your emotions, but you are not an emotionally driven person. You're really good at not making emotional decisions, which I respect so much in your, in your makeup. I think it's phenomenal. Okay. Perhaps it's one of the reasons we're still married. Perhaps. This is a great question. Okay. How can couples maintain a healthy perspective on sex within marriage? By the way, I feel like this was rewritten, probably not like healthy perspective. It's like, how can couples still have a great sex life?

13:05 Right. Which is the same as a healthy perspective. I will say the first thing, and maybe this is a healthy perspective. That's so many thoughts. I know. I do, one thing for me that I do think is significant is understanding seasons of marriage. Understanding the seasons of your life and how that affects your sex life and not to overreact. like seasons of pregnancy or young kids or new job or grief or exciting times, a vacation, like understanding the season that you're in and just letting that season be its own season and not dragging previous seasons into it and not projecting future seasons onto like, okay, sex is a little bit challenging when you have new kids. Don't freak out that this is going to be the rest of our life. Here it is the beginning of the end and we're not going to, you know, so I do think having a seasonal perspective is really beneficial. I totally agree. We have like immortalized. Let me say it like this. It's like we have immortalized one kind of chapter and one kind of season. And I'll say it like this. We've immortalized like one part of the day. You know, like, like our culture doesn't, we don't celebrate like 6 a.m. We don't celebrate like 3 p.m. We don't celebrate noon. We don't celebrate like, you know, days when it's like, you know, I don't know, 8 a.m. you need to brush your teeth.

14:30 We don't, we don't, culture doesn't celebrate the fact that if you don't brush your teeth, sex can be gross. Sex doesn't, you know, our culture doesn't celebrate the part of sex where it's like, you know, if you're on your period or if I'm like, uh, my tummy's upset because I've eating gluten. Like we don't, these are none of the, this never comes up in our music. It never comes up in our art. It never comes up in our movies. Never comes up in our TV shows. Can you imagine a song about like upset tummies and periods? Right. Yeah. It's not going to sell. I'm glad we're not making songs about that, but it is weird how it plays tricks with our brain because we look at our significant other and we wonder like, why aren't they sexy more? Why aren't we having more fun? It's been three days since we've had sex and it's like everyone just calm down first of all and recognize that a lot of our art is very it's it's very specific in what it is immortalizing and and rightfully so because that inspires us it makes us aspirational we want to have more candlelit romantic nights in a canoe in Venice you know they're not called canoes but you know whatever like and and as much as like you and I I am a romantic at the highest level and I literally want every night I do like candles most nights when we're home or when we're traveling, I need candles and I want to like, you know, lady in the tramp, I want to like eat pasta and kiss at the end and the whole thing. But like, there's an element of life that I think we have to kind of relinquish and give to God and also find beauty in the days like where we don't have sex, but we also flirt or touch or look or, talk. And I think, you know, there was some sort of a way to immortalize some of the more average, ordinary moments of life. Because by the way, the juxtaposition of it all is what makes those music playing softly. One time, remember last year, we were in Italy and we drove out into the middle of nowhere and we found this husband and wife, probably both in their 70s. They're running this cafe and he brought out cigars to me.

16:38 I hope it doesn't offend anyone. And, and you were having a glass of wine and this custom meal that they, they, we looked at the menu, but they're like, just order this, this, and this. And we thought we understood what they meant. And it was like fish and pasta and whatever. And it was like their night to just take care of us. And the moon, full moon. I was getting to that. I mean, for the love of God. And then before we knew it through these like ornate, ornate ancient Italian trees, olive trees and oak trees. Here came like a blood moon almost. It was just this deep orange red moon, you know, ascending into the sky. And it was like, what is happening to us right now? Like this is better than any movie I've ever watched. Music was playing softly. Like one other individual ever came the whole night was we sat there for four hours, literally did not even know where we were geographically.

17:30 other than we knew we were deep Italy somewhere. And it was just like the most magical night. Do I wish every night could be like that? Yes, but no, because it becomes what it is that night because that's not every night. And it's so rare that it's valuable and beautiful. And I think those special nights can sustain you on an average Tuesday night. Yep. And going back and talking about them and rehearsing. So I don't think the goal is to make every night those special nights, but you have to have them sometimes. Sometimes. Because they do add a new spark and a new life. Last thing I will say. Okay. Speaking of adding special times, I don't know if it's just more for a woman. And, you know, for me, for us, home is a responsibility. But there is just something about hotel sex that is just different than sex at home. Man. And maybe there's no kids. There's no responsibility. And I would just love to give a strong encouragement. Leave your kids behind.

18:27 They're going to be okay. make sure you're getting consistent hotel sex. It's just different. And in an effort to make that more relatable to everyone it could be hotel, motel, holiday inn. It could be, I'm sorry for the quote but it's getaway sex is what I would call it. Getaway sex. And it can be house sitting for a friend. You know what I mean? And it really can. But I agree, getaway sex is fun. And I would say go date each other somewhere at a restaurant close by or in the kitchen close by and flirt with each other and pretend like you're picking up on your spouse for the very first time and change the names if you want to. I don't care, but that's going to offend people. But anyways, that shouldn't be offensive to people because it's not offensive to me. Like I think you're sorry I interrupted because you're going to work. I just couldn't like, if anybody gets offended, that's offensive to me. This is It's all said in good faith.

19:24 Because our sex life is our sex life. Yeah. And if anybody else is offended by that, I do think mutual respect is so important. Oh, man. That if something is uncomfortable to you. Hey, this makes me feel, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we all have different paths and different histories of certain things. So being respectful of that is great. And can I just say, I'll take that as far as it can go. I think there is an element that can protect sex and marriage. And here's a couple of ways. It's that the spouse or the partner is like, I'm not comfortable with that. That will help. Like, okay, I honor that and trust that. But then there is this, even if both partners are like, yo, this is fun. But the research and the science, obviously if the scripture speaks to it, but if the research and the science shows that this ends up damaging, even if both are down and think it's pleasurable and fun, but there's a lot of research and data now in the technological boom in the age that can tell you like, actually, you know, I'll speak boldly and say opening up your marriage to other people involved in your sex life. There's a ton of research and data out there that actually suggests obviously the ancient scripture, but that it just doesn't deliver. It leads to mistrust, shame, these types of things. So even if both are like, yes, this is awesome.

20:43 While we're on that topic, can I add to porn in marriage? Yeah. I feel like that's a fairly common question. Like, hey, if my spouse and I are watching porn together, how is that? Obviously, the Bible doesn't speak specifically to videos and photographs because they didn't exist back then. But I even just think the science of it, it just builds up unrealistic expectations that how can that lead to a healthy result? Maybe you'll get something, you'll feel something in the moment that feels great, but then what is that doing long term? And that is the beauty about sex and marriage is that we're playing the long game with each other. We're not just playing the one night stand, have to impress somebody with your smooth moves, make tonight fun, although it's fun to have the perspective, but it is playing the long game with each other. And that's a fun way to do it. And again, science and research, if the Bible doesn't specifically say using videos of other people having sex can be not beneficial to your marriage.

21:40 But the science and research is there that I think sexy songs and having fun and being sexy and some level of sexy content and the Holy Spirit, God himself will guide you and lead you. But yeah, when it comes to some things, even if you're both like down, ask yourself, is there science and research and data out there that suggests that this could be damaging long-term? And ask the Holy Spirit too. Obviously we like this topic. Yeah, we do. Clearly. Write a book about it. You can write it. I'll be your co-author. About sex would be great.

22:15 What are your thoughts? I really like this question. What are your thoughts on marrying someone who does not share your faith? Yeah, I mean, you know, it's so funny because unequally yoked has become kind of a cliche. today for those not familiar with Christian culture, unequally yoked is kind of a thing and a term and a buzzword, but it's in the Bible. It's in the New Testament. And it's this idea of that the yoke, by the way, that's being spoken of is the teachings of the rabbi or the teachings of Jesus. And the teachings of Jesus are not burdensome. They set free, they're relieved from shame, they forgive. That's the teaching of Jesus. And so the idea of unequally yoked is I accept the teachings of Jesus. Someone else doesn't accept the teachings of Jesus. that that can be challenging wasn't there also a metaphor in that because that's the exact phrase in the bible of unequally yoked that the metaphor was in this agricultural time that the yoke was a device that went on a pair of animals that they would go to till a field and if one animal was stronger than the other or if they weren't similar size that the goal was to get as many similarities as possible in creating this agricultural device because that was the best way to plow or till and And to me, the greater example is that, yeah, the teachings of Jesus, which are the yoke, he is the strong ox.

23:35 Because in that metaphor and research, it tells you that oftentimes if you didn't have enough money for two strong ox, which could be very expensive, if you got one strong ox, that strong ox would drag the wimpy, skinny little ox, and it could do the effect of two strong ox because you have one. Well, Jesus is the heavy lifting. Jesus is the one that takes our skinny, puny little life that we can't fulfill the law and we can't live up to all these moral standards. But he carries us along and he strengthens us. And so by showing that, his yoke is easy and his burden is light. And so when you marry someone who doesn't believe in that magical being yoked to Jesus and how he carries us and he sustains us and he strengthens us, oftentimes subjects like sex can be really, really challenging because you're saying, man, I'm yoked to the super ox of Jesus, if you will.

24:35 And I believe he does the heavy lifting where all of a sudden you're married to someone who's like, I think you're kind of the master and commander of your own life and destiny. Well, obviously that can be challenging. I don't think it's the end of the world. I think God is gracious. but the New Testament does say, hey, if you're passionate about being led and carried and sustained by Jesus, marrying someone who doesn't have those same worshipful convictions, you know, can be challenging. I do think it's been overdone and overcooked a little bit in culture and we shame people now who have different belief systems who are married and you and I are not a part of that. We have a lot of friends who believe differently when it comes to their faith. And we love them and spend a lot of time with them and support them. Yeah, I think when you're thinking marriage too, the goal for me with marriage is always for the rest of our life, as long as we both shall live.

25:31 And when you're 25 and considering somebody, it can be really easy just to see the similarities of, oh, we both like this hobby. We met on this event. We da-da-da-da-da. and to not actually think about the differences. Yeah. And what impact will those differences make over the course of the next 60 years of our life? Yeah. An example for us would be the fact that you're an extreme extrovert and I'm an extreme introvert. When we were 21 in love, wide-eyed, we didn't consider what are the differences in our personalities? What impact is that going to have in our marriage? And, you know, we, we, I think we have enough stamina that we've worked our way through it, but there was some bumps along the road to working our way through those differences. I think a difference in faith, it can work. We've seen that in people, but I do think it is a very significant difference that needs to be considered, needs to be walked out.

26:32 And hey, what's this going to be like when we're raising children? What's this going to be like for our wedding? What's this going to be like for holidays when I want to go to church on Easter or have have a nativity scene in our house to celebrate Jesus. And I just think it is worth a significant conversation and consideration that you, the person who is the believer, the follower of Jesus, that you invite Jesus into it and you invite the Holy Spirit into that conversation. Very cool. And not just, not just like, yeah, it'll work out. We're in love. Yeah. Or not just, you know, not just like, well, the one scripture says, And, you know, the unequally yoked marriage ministry says, sorry.

27:16 Last question. Whoa. What are ways to connect with your spouse during busy times? I mean, there are none. You're up a creek without a paddle. All right, let's play. You're not supposed to. I'm kidding. Like I'm at that place of just total despair and hopelessness. I don't know, man. God help you. I'll tell you that much.

27:39 Wow. so how to connect in difficult times busy times I mean I we've talked about this before in some ways I think busyness is a choice yeah I was that's where I was going you beat me to it it is it's a mentality when I was on a bit of a health journey and I was literally functioning on probably 20 or 30 percent physical energy and I had to decide what I was going to do and what I was not going to do. And this is totally like patting myself on the back for this decision. But somebody told me one time that making prioritizing is about deciding what only you can do and what are things that other people can do. And literally for me during that season, the top of my list was having sex with you. Like that, obviously I could, I'm the only person who can take care of my own soul and connect with Jesus. Other than that, I'm the only person on this planet who can have sex with you. So yes, you are just to be clear. You know, and even when it comes to our parenting our kids, And that remains to be true. Thank you.

28:35 And that remains to be true. Thank you, Jesus. When it comes to parenting our kids, at least there's two of us who can do that. I'm not the only person who can parent our kids. I'm not the only person who can teach them. So that was high priority on my list for low energy. And obviously busyness is different than low energy, but maybe you're in a season where you're having to work two jobs to make ends meet or different things. I would just love to encourage you to ask yourself that question when it comes to prioritizing. What are you actually spending your time doing? And I would say busyness is a lot like smoke. It will just fill the whole room and make all your clothes smell like it. And it will just affect your breath and it will affect everything. Like it is just pervasive in nature. And suddenly busyness becomes the thing that taints everything. Everything is a good word. I like that analogy. Yeah, it really begins to, everything has the stench of busyness.

29:32 Everything reeks of busyness and it affects your meals. It affects your words. It affects your sleep. It affects your eye contact. It affects your posture. It affects your sleep. You know, you're rising, you're sleeping, you're laying down. It just, and so first and foremost, by asking that question, which is so annoying if you're a question asker when you're like, well, first of all, I don't believe in busyness. And you're like, all right, what I meant was when life is full, how do you connect? But it has to be said, I think really, really owning the fact that attitude, as my dad used to say, is everything. And it's not a 100% true statement, but the point being attitude is so pervasive and impactful that it can tint and taint everything. So, um, kind of rejecting the notion that we're busy, maybe accepting, Hey, life is full right now.

30:31 How are we going to connect when we have a lot going on and a lot of moving plates, a lot of spinning plates, so to speak. Um, and that's where things like scheduling sex, scheduling a date night um turning your phone off putting it in a drawer these are some of the most practical things we have done in full chapters to recognize i think sabbath and the mentality behind a sacred day of rest really just hits the root of the problem and that is we believe that if we don't keep going and keep spinning all the plates, they will crash and burn, and the world as we know it will fall apart. Our world will fall apart. And that's where I was going. You beat me to it, but thanks for delivering my punchline. And by believing the world, we mean our world is sustained, facilitated, carried, and maintained by us.

31:35 and that's where you and I have come to the conclusion that we believe that we are who we are by the grace of God and that the life that we get blessed and privileged to live is because he sustains it and he carries it. And so by turning off, building the margins, putting the phone away, you're actually telling yourself more than anybody else, hey, he's in control. And when I wake up in the morning, I have been dead to the world, but it's still spinning and life is still moving. And that is why we see a practice of Sabbath or rest as worship. Because it is us to claim. Or sex. Yeah. It's us saying, hey, we're not in charge when we sleep. One time I brought a cell phone call into sex. And I will never make that mistake again. And I learned that even the beauty about sex, if you're going to have good sex, you got to put your cell phone away. Trust me.

32:27 There's a lesson. We'll go down that rabbit hole some other time. I do think something just very practical when it comes to scheduling quality time together and busyness is I also believe God created our bodies to need to sleep every night and to need to eat consistently throughout the day. And taking mealtime is connection time. Even if you just try that simple practice of, okay, you know what? I'm not going to work through dinners. I'm not going to eat lunch in front of my computer. I'm not going to letting mealtime be connection time. could be an interesting thing to just experiment with and try. I'm not saying that's a rule, but it could just, it's 20 minutes. Your digestion's going to be better. Your connection's going to be better.

33:11 Totally agree. To just really practically figure that out. Well, this was so fun. I love Ask Me Anything episodes. And if any questions came to your mind during this episode again, please. We got more. We got more. DM me on Instagram. Send me a text, a voice memo, however you want to do it. And we cannot wait to hear more from you. Thanks, guys. you