Changing The Story You Tell Yourself

0:00 All right, babe, you want to go for it? Here we go. Whether you know it or not, your perception of the world, of your life, even of yourself, is actually all based on a story. And that story can either be a powerful helping hand or a powerful critic keeping you from the best version of yourself. But it's not always easy to figure out which one you have. So we're going to give you a little help. Today on In Good Faith, we're talking about how changing the stories we tell ourselves can actually change our lives. and even the lives of those around us. So stay right here. This is In Good Faith. So growing up nearly every single day of my life, my father told me people like me, they love me, and they want to hear what I have to say.

1:02 When you say every day, it probably really was every day. I mean, that's the kind of man your dad was. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was nearly every single day. And even if dad did miss a few days, the point is, it's an overriding story in my journey and in my life. A huge theme. That's a story I have told myself nearly every day. And I think I've reaped incredible benefits from it. It's really been on my mind. The stories we tell ourselves and how they shape our human experience and how they shape really the quality of life. Yeah. And it's been interesting for me watching you over these last two years and COVID and so many changes happening relationally, professionally, I think it's the first time you've almost either been tempted or have actually given into telling yourself a different story. So much so that recently I watch back all the sermons. Both Chelsea and I are teachers and preachers of the story of God and the ancient scripture. And I was watching film, if you will, like I'm an athlete, you know, I was going over film.

2:02 You're the Seahawks, you're a chaplain. I really do watch myself every week to critique myself and get better as a communicator. And I saw a tone and I heard an edge that I didn't like. And I realized I was telling myself a different story recently. And it really, it signaled the bells and the whistles, so to speak, in my head of this maybe isn't good. I think maybe I'm telling myself a story that maybe people don't like me. that maybe people question my motives. People don't trust me because we started seeing dear friends changing jobs, some being let go, some quitting. As the chairman of the board at Church Home, the community we get to lead, and I think it began to change the story I told myself. People maybe don't like me, don't want to roll with us, don't trust us as leaders, and this comes from what is now being called the Great Resignation, which is a really interesting phenomenon that's really happened globally, not just nationally here in the United States of America, but there is a reconsideration going on for people everywhere.

3:14 In fact, they're saying right now, 50% of the employed people in this country are considering quitting their job, changing their job and doing something different. And by the way, a lot of the Great Resignation has nothing to do with me, you or a lot of people. It's so interesting that you brought up preaching and you watching yourself because after you actually recorded a couple of sermons, I, as graciously and kindly as I knew how to do, I said, well, maybe you should think about re-recording those. Those were, I think I just said your tone was different, but you didn't receive it very well, but I tried it. That's not true. But I said, you couldn't really feel it in the moment while you were preaching that. It wasn't until you went back. And watched it. And re-watched them. How did you realize you were telling yourself a different story? My attitude. I think, you know, my dad used to also say, and my mom, attitude is everything. Attitude determines altitude. You know, here we go.

4:09 That was the poster on my dentist chair, you know, when I was a kid. With an eagle soaring through the air. We didn't have TVs looking above you, you know, on the ceiling. We just had one single poster and it was attitude determines altitude, literally with the eagle. That was just a very scarring statement. And it's probably actually true. But I noticed my demeanor, my decorum, my attitude. Why do I feel discouraged? Why do I feel reluctant to get behind a microphone? These are feelings I've never really had before. Oh, I think the story's changing. Now suddenly I'm not liked. I'm an outsider. I was on my heels instead of on my toes. You know, when you start feeling the need to explain yourself to everyone, you can't take critique. You can't take helpful feedback. Those to me are indications that you're on your heels, you're defensive, you feel misunderstood, and the story you're telling yourself probably goes something like, people don't like me, they misunderstand me, and I'm going to prove them wrong. And I think that that is, it's certainly not the lifestyle that you and I chose when we got married 22 years ago. And in terms of friends we've lost, you realize it's less than a handful of friends. It's dozens and dozens, if not hundreds of people that are part of community that enter around us who believe in us, love us, and are walking with us.

5:31 Well, and I think it's once you acknowledge that and started telling yourself that, that you were really able to change your story. And that was a really significant step for you kind of coming back to yourself. But it's pretty crazy thinking about for you as a 43-year-old man, you'd been told a story from your father and then started telling it to yourself your whole life. and you were maybe what six months into telling yourself a different story and how quickly that affected your attitude your tone i mean i'll go as far as maybe even to say your parenting and your marriage and your relationships it really did begin this is becoming quickly my least favorite episode we've ever done thank you for this but i love it is pervasive you're willing to tell the story but imagine if the story that you had maybe first of all been told by your parents or by the people around you and authority figures, and then that you went on to tell yourself for your whole life was negative. Imagine how deep and entrenched and just difficult that would be if that was your story. Yeah. And I think if we're really all honest, because we live in such a broken, fragmented world, we're probably all more prone to telling ourselves stories that are counterproductive and negative. You know what? It reminds me of being in college and high school, and I hated taking personality tests.

6:48 And the reason I didn't like to take personality tests is they always came out telling me I'm an introvert. As you know very well, that is absolutely me. And I think because we live in a world maybe where extroverts are so celebrated and out there and extroverted, the story I told myself was, no, no, no, I'm not an introvert. I don't want to be this way. And I actually just lived in denial to who I really am and frankly, who God made me to be for a very special reason. And it wasn't until actually on my 40th birthday, a dear friend of ours, who is also a counselor and therapist, I think she knew exactly how to help me on my 40th birthday. She gave me a book called Quiet, and it basically talks about the power that introverts can have and bring into the world. And I realized I have been not liking this part of myself, I think, my whole life. Instead of loving the fact that I'm an introvert and celebrating it and loving who I am. And it's actually been interesting as you and I have been talking about it more.

7:45 I even think back to our episode with Jason and Lauren Kennedy, how much just being able to admit that and acknowledge that and talk about it has completely changed our outlook and our communication and our relationship. But I had to tell myself a different story first. Well, it's so interesting because our surrounding circumstances, culture, climate, all these things, they inform us and they tell us a storyline. And the question, or actually, I guess the comment that we're making today is at the very least, question the story you're telling yourself today. Let's just start there. Let's just question it. Is it accurate? Is it true? Is it right about you? And is it serving you? Another story that I had to fight off was I wasn't smart. In fact, I have a business mentor. We talk every week. And every single time we meet, he counters a comment that I'll make at some point in our hour conversation that I'm not good at business or not smart enough or understand it.

8:41 And he's like, I will not, and I can't tell you the colorful language he uses, but he's like, I will not stand for that. That is not true. You are good at business. And it's amazing. By the way, what a great mentor and what a great friend. We can stop right here and say, boy, surround yourself with people who help you tell yourself a good story, an accurate story about you. But I think before you question it, you have to figure out what it is. I think so many of the stories we tell ourselves are so deeply entrenched and ingrained. Subconscious almost. When you hear about our thoughts talking about like a rut in a road, it just gets ingrained and we so easily go there without even knowing why. And so I think even if we could just listen to our own thought life and wonder, what story am I telling myself? Because it's interesting when you're going back to the story about your dad telling you every day that people loved you. It's easy to know where that story came from, to know the origin story.

9:39 But when I think about my story of not being excited, not loving every part of who I am, included being an introvert, I didn't know where that came from. I didn't have a specific source to know I'm telling myself this story because this happened on such and such a day. It just slowly developed and grew with me over time to the extent where it was such a part of me that I didn't even recognize it was there until a book was handed to me in my 40s. So yes, I believe we need to question the stories that we're telling ourselves. But before we can do that, we need to realize what the stories are that we're telling ourselves. And so the question I'm going to ask you is how do we do that? How do we actually discover what stories we're telling ourselves? Well, yeah, and I appreciate you saying that. A lot of us don't get such a strong narrative served up on a silver platter. And honestly, here's what I would suggest. Get out a pen and a piece of paper or your notes on your iPhone.

10:34 you know, whatever, and try to actually write down what is the pervasive story you're telling yourself. But I also think another thing that's really helpful is figuring out what we react to. Because I think so often when we have a trigger reaction to something, we react to something on a dime without conscious thought. Probably it either contradicts a story that we've been telling ourself or it confirms a story that we've been telling ourself. And I wonder if sometimes if we investigated our emotional reactions. Why was I hurt by that? Why did that make me angry? And kind of taking a moment with a journal or whatever you talked about to investigate, why did this happen on the inside of me? That that can really reveal what the story is that we're telling ourselves. And then from there, we can examine it and seek to change it. How do we change the story that we tell ourselves?

11:43 It's kind of like building a home, right? It's the foundation, foundation, foundation, foundation. You know, you can have an ornate, gorgeous, beautiful edifice, but if it doesn't have a firm foundation with any kind of adversity or storm or calamity, it's going to be destroyed. So we've got to go back to what's the bedrock. And for you and me here on In Good Faith, to emphasize faith for a moment, we believe the bedrock, the foundation for the human existence is that you, in fact, are loved. You were brought into this world by intentionality, creation, purpose, this divine choosing. God chose you. One of my favorite practices to do with friends and even with myself and with you is like, hey, God, this was your idea. October 9th, 1978 in Portland, Oregon, on the night that I was born, on Monday night football, when my dad was watching football and he was holding me in my first night with my dad. Like, that was your idea. That was your choice. You gave me my name. You put me in the family. You put me and the time in history and the country and all that.

12:50 And so starting to accept that there was some sovereignty, there was some divine intervention into your life. And so the bedrock for your existence and my existence, which we anchor ourselves to, is I was fearfully and wonderfully made in my mother's womb, you knew me and you called me by name. That's an ancient psalm that we've attached to, that we believe that we're here on purpose, that we're here not by accident, that we are the result of a creator who loves us. And with that comes inherent value. Whether or not people recognize that value, that value is there. Uncovering that foundation that we believe exists for every human being, I think it starts there. As you're talking, it made me realize it also is so impactful, the story we tell ourselves about God. And you're talking about the foundation is love. And yeah, there's those verses, God is love. And you can ask so many people of faith, is God love?

13:45 Sure. But then if you ask, what's the story you tell yourself about what is God thinking about you? How does God feel about you? And I know for me, so often growing up in a religious environment, it was often, I think he's disappointed in me. I think he wishes I was doing more. I think he is keeping a tally of all the mistakes that I'm making. And I don't know where those come from because that wasn't our theology. But somehow that just became the story I told myself about God. And then I remember, I don't know if it was a message I listened to or just one day in reading, at the story of the baptism of Jesus, he went into the water and he came back up. And it says, a voice came from heaven and said to him, this is my beloved son with whom I am well pleased. And so he didn't have to be baptized, but he chose to be baptized because he wanted to be the example for us. And realizing that for anybody who's accepted the gift and the grace of Jesus, the Bible says we're hidden in Christ. So whatever the Father, whatever God says about Jesus is what God says about me.

14:43 In other words, what God actually says about me is, no, this is Chelsea, my beloved daughter in whom I am well pleased. And realizing I can tell myself a story all day long, no matter what's happening, no matter how mad you are at me, no matter how much I feel like I'm not doing great at work or mom or kids that, gosh, the foundation of my story is I am God's beloved daughter. He loves me so much and he is pleased with me, not based on my performance, but just because of who I am. And I know you and I are talking about families today, and we have this incredible gift of parents who loved us and really did speak a lot of life over us. A lot of individuals don't have that in the world we live in for whatever reason or another. But just to know that every person has a heavenly father who loves them and is well-pleased with them, I think that can be a very significant story that we tell ourselves. Life-changing, really.

15:36 I mean, actually life-changing. It can change your boardroom experience. It can change your school experience. It can change your roommate experience. It can change your bus riding experience. It can change your train, plane, automobile. Like the whole experience of life can change when you realize that there is at least one being in this universe who loves you endlessly, eternally, and unconditionally. What's interesting about that story about Jesus is he did so many great deeds and gregarious acts. And yet when the heavens open and a dove landed on him and the voice of God, the father speaks, it's in a moment where actually Jesus is inherently doing nothing. He's being baptized. John the Baptist is like the one doing the work. And so I think that's also a message to all of us that we are not loved because of what we do. We are loved because of who we are.

16:34 And that is so true about a mom and dad in their right state of mind and their healthiest version of themselves. I don't know if there is a mom and dad alive today who doesn't look at their kid and feel some sort of love that actually has nothing to do with anything that child has ever done, except they are flesh of their flesh, bone of their bone, and they share their DNA. And of course, the scripture says that's true of God. We're made in his image. Yeah, it reminds me of when our kids were little and they did absolutely nothing for us except for keep us awake at night, make us change their dirty diapers and cost us a bunch of money on medical bills and all that stuff. But yet one of the things we started speaking to our kids, I hope this is a story that they begin to tell themselves was I love you so much and you can never do anything to make me love you any less. And you can never do anything to make me love you anymore because I feel like the unconditional love is so much.

17:30 well, I'm loved unconditionally, but I can still earn some more love. And when our kids, I mean, I felt like my heart was going to burst when I saw our babies and especially our oldest. He was born for the first time. And there's just no way I could love him anymore. He could never earn any more love. And yeah, I didn't know what this episode was going to go here, but I do think that is such a great foundation. If you need to change the story you're telling yourself and you don't know where to start, start there. And can I add one more thing that's so beautiful? And maybe this is, I don't know if this has taken it too far. I don't think it is. But, you know, when it comes to our perception or what we tell ourselves about other people, I want to make a caution. That's what it is. I want to make a caution. And here's my caution. When you tell yourself about others that they're out of your life or they lost their job or they're suffering because, well, they didn't do it right or they're in error or they're wrong or I don't like them or they're toxic or they're bad.

18:37 I think you've got to be very careful when you start labeling others because as we tell ourselves that other people either aren't successful or aren't blessed or aren't healthy or aren't whole because of something they've done, because that somehow makes us feel better, we actually end up hurting ourselves. Because without even knowing it subconsciously, we are reinforcing to ourselves that the reason we are loved or the reason we're quote unquote blessed is because we have done something better or right than them. And I think that's why one of the paramount teachings of Jesus was letting people go and forgiving them. And so I think sometimes what we've got to do as well is let people go and bless people and think the best and speak the best.

19:31 I hope they're so blessed. And that could be a former boyfriend, girlfriend. That could be a former employee or employer. Just letting them go as well. But what you're saying is so powerful because you're saying the story we tell ourselves about other people will inadvertently affect the story we tell ourselves about ourselves. And maybe just one of the keys to telling ourselves a better story about ourselves is to tell ourselves a better story about other people. You know, one thing that's so fascinating about stories is that our brains will fill in the blank. If there's empty space, if there's information we don't know, it's like we have to put something in there. Isn't that the truth? I don't know why my brain goes to from an HR perspective. You know, when somebody is let go from a job, we know from an HR standpoint, there's so many things that an employer can't say about why somebody was let go. But man, just wait till you're in the lunchroom the next day.

20:27 Who has lunchrooms anymore? Back in the day when there was lunchrooms, everybody's in there trying to fill in the story, trying to fill in the gaps. Well, it could have been this, it could have been that. And how we do that internally, even if we aren't aware of it, even if it isn't through voice, we are filling in gaps with a story and being intentional that those gaps that we're filling in are giving the benefit of the doubt, are believing the best about ourselves and about other people. Wow. That is so true. So let me invert the question and ask you, how do you think we tell ourselves a better story about ourselves? One other thing that comes to mind that we haven't talked about is needing to hear outside sources, that if we just get lost in our own thinking, in our own story, there is nothing outside of ourselves to tell us a different story. And oftentimes we need something outside of ourselves to tell us a different story. I mean, I even think about the benefit of listening to a podcast, of listening to a sermon, of reading a book, of getting a different way of thinking into our mind. And that can reveal to us, oh, I think I've been telling myself a wrong story here, Or, man, this is a great element.

21:52 I need to add this to my story. And getting outside influences into our story and our way. Does that make sense what I'm saying? Yeah, absolutely. It's kind of not too dissimilar to the young aspiring leaders of any kind in any field and their need for a mentor. You know, everyone's like, would you be my mentor? Would you be a mentor? And my thoughts have been, you can actually go get mentors that you never meet, never know, and they certainly don't know you. but you can make a decision to go get the content. There's comedians I've never met that have mentored me. Long before I knew Bishop T.D. Jakes, I knew Bishop T.D. Jakes and he was mentoring me. There is a freedom here that I think is super exciting to everyone listening. It's like, man, choose your mentor today. Choose someone who's gonna interject and help you tell a better story. Who is that going to be? And obviously, In Good Faith is one of those sources where Chelsea and I can be a mentor, encouraging you, building you up.

22:48 How many things tear us down and how many things are building us up? We need people who are making us feel big and feel like we can conquer the world. One of our mottos, Chelsea and I, is when we get around people, we want to make them feel like they can fly. They can fly, like Aladdin on the magic carpet for crying out loud. And there are people who are putting content into the world that make you feel like you can fly and make you feel like you can do great things. And I would say, man, digest that. Dive into that. And that can challenge some of our thinking. Our thinking isn't always right. And sometimes it needs to be challenged. When we can change our story, it can be so powerful. And it really can change our outlook on life, the decisions we make. It can be one of the most effective things for bringing transformation. We even saw this recently. One of our children was just suffering significant anxiety at school, just social anxiety. And high school is just a crazy place.

23:42 It was a crazy place 25 years ago. I can't imagine what it is now. And he's just so anxious because he feels like he's not learning the skill of social interaction, that he feels like he's failing in social interaction at school. And we had a really significant long talk with him. And we're able to just share with them the perspective of having grown up that, you know what? This actually doesn't matter in life. The social interactions of high school have nothing to do with anywhere else in real life. Anywhere else in real life, you're either family, you're intentional, you're at a workplace together. Your social interactions are nothing like high school. and just relieving that pressure off of him that he's not doing something wrong and he's not missing out on a skill that he's going to need for his whole life. And it's been a couple of weeks now and just watching the significant difference in his anxiety as he has told himself a different story around his social performance in high school. It really can change our life, the story we tell ourselves.

24:35 Oh, absolutely. And of course, you know, for all of the study, commentaries, perspectives on the Bible. The Bible has been turned into a number of different things and used for a number of horrific things. But what is the Bible? It's a storybook. It's a story. And that story is ultimately about God. And when you digest the story and the content of God's character, well, it changes your life. And it's funny in our circles, read your Bible, read your Bible. And it's so like, it's like elevator music. It's white noise. Now read your Bible. But what we're saying is like, digest, sink into, soak and drench yourself in this magnificent story of God and let it inform the story you tell yourself, not just about God, but the story you tell yourself about yourself.

25:31 Yeah. Wow. I have one verse for our toolkit today. Okay. I love it. And since we're so, so talking about the Bible today, you know, there's a verse and I know in kind of old Hebrew language, maybe I can say it, then you can put it in modern vernacular. Love it. It says that we are to be transformed by renewing our mind, that the way we're transformed is by renewing our mind. How would you put that in modern vernacular? Yeah, that I think there is a freshness. There is a new perspective when you review, rehearse, and recall the overriding theme of scripture, which is the love of God. and it brings a newness. It brings a freshness. It brings, it's almost like a wonderful hot shower early in the morning to get your day started. Wow, you're making this so spiritual. You have to do a hot shower. Oh, I'll just say it.

26:22 There's a cleansing agent to reviewing again how much God loves us and has forgiven us. That's why it says a renewing of your thinking and the story. Well, and I would just say so often there's things about ourselves we want to change or things about the world we want to change and we don't know where to start. And maybe it could just be that the place to start is the story we tell ourselves. And that that's the first step to actually bringing change and seeing transformation. I'd love to pray for listeners, but anything else you want to say? Well, no, I would just love to pray as well because I need it. And I just want everyone to know that this is not an episode of something we thought about six years ago. This is something we thought about six minutes ago. And something that is in real time, we are learning and trying to grow in. And so this episode is dedicated to everyone who right now, as we're talking, feels like they want to tell themselves a better story about themselves.

27:22 Because that is exactly where Chelsea and I are. Yeah, I'm going to pray. Okay. God, I know that you love us. And Lord, we just want to take a moment and thank you for your love. Thank you for your perfect love. Thank you for your unconditional love. Thank you for your love that isn't based on our performance or our actions, but that is simply because we are your sons and your daughters and your children. Lord, I pray, first of all, for anybody who doesn't feel that love, who feels like you are angry or mad or disappointed. Jesus, I pray right now that you would begin to enable all of us to tell ourselves a different story, that you would help us to tell ourselves a story that you love us and that we can love ourselves and that we can love the people around us. God, I pray you would help us and reveal to us areas where we've bought into lies, where we've told ourselves a story that is a lie or that isn't right, or maybe it's based on truth, but it's disintegrated into something detrimental in our lives, and you see us hurting ourselves.

28:19 God, we just ask, pray a simple prayer and say, Lord, show us anything in our story that you want us to change, and we want to listen to you, and we thank you for your help, for your realness, for your closeness. We thank you for that incredible, perfect love. In Jesus' name, amen. Amen. This has been a presentation of OBB Sound, SB Projects, and Cadence 13. Executive produced by Chelsea Smith, Judah Smith, Michael D. Ratner, Scott Ratner, Elias Tanner, Scooter Braun, Scott Manson, James Shin, and Chris Corcoran. Produced by Grace Delia and Caitlin Plummer of OBB Sound and Kyle Vanuja of SB Projects. Produced by Lauren LaGrasso and Serena Regan of Cadence 13. Edited, mixed, and mastered by Adam Macias. Original composition by Colin Gilliard.

29:15 Production support from Otha White and Dylan Martyr. OBB Sound is an OBB Media Company. Cadence 13 is an Odyssey Company.