Down in the Dumps: A Realistic Guide to Getting Un-Grumpy

0:58 Because it's okay to feel your feelings, especially here on In Good Faith. have you ever felt grumpy if you haven't please email us immediately um here at in good faith because for the rest of us, grumpy is an unexpected reality, is what I would call it. I would say it is something that happens to me at the most inopportune times. And recently, in these last two and a half to three years, I have found myself probably more agitated, sometimes inexplicably. And so today, our topic is, how do you not be so grumpy?

2:01 It's interesting. I had a conversation with a friend the other day and we were talking about someone in traffic and then someone at a restaurant and then someone at a cafe. And he finally looked at me and he said, everyone is just so grumpy. And I realized like, oh, that's true. That's like a thing right now. So many people are collectively grumpy at the same time. And what I think is so interesting, and thank you for being honest about the fact that you've been extra grumpy. Oh, I haven't even started to be honest. I have so much more to share. these last couple of years is that's not your normal disposition for you specifically. You don't tend to be a grumpy person. You tend to be a very happy, optimistic, wake up. Yes. Well, you're still loud. That hasn't changed. But I don't think it's just you. I do think it is our whole world facing more grumpiness. I love the word grumpy. How would you define it? Um, on edge, agitated, annoyed, and a general sensation of discontentment with the whole of life.

3:11 Just unsettled. Isn't it funny you say grumpy and we all can see a grumpy face? But I actually don't know how to define it. When I asked you that, I realized. Oh, I was hoping you were going to be like, that was a wonderful definition. instead you're like isn't it funny no one knows how to define it including you oh thanks babe yeah maybe suddenly that was what i was saying yeah i think it was yeah but it is it's just an emotional state that sometimes we don't know how to define but when we feel that way when we encounter somebody who is grumpy or when we're dealing with grumpiness ourselves we know it's there can i just say like if you're listening to this and an episode on being grumpy makes you feel grumpy this episode's for you last night we were in a conversation and someone was telling another person you know you're stubborn i'm not stubborn what are you talking i'm not i am not i am not a stubborn person why would you say that and then i finally looked at the person i was like yeah but i think you're being stubborn about not being stubborn and we all laughed and grumpy is interesting because if someone says you're kind of grumpy and you're like i'm not grumpy it's like there it is now someone says hey you're grumpy and you're like oh my word i'm so sorry i hate being grumpy, it's like, oh, maybe you weren't. So there's some tells here that everyone's got to be honest with before we head into a grumpy episode. Why do you think you have found yourself grumpier lately than usual and the world at large? I mean, it just definitely seems like people who we encounter, not necessarily even friends, but mostly strangers we encounter, there's just a level of grumpiness that wasn't there a few years ago. Yeah. And that's, I think, why we've dedicated an episode to this, to be completely honest. Approximately two days ago, our producers said, hey, what the last few episodes of the season, what do you guys want to talk about?

4:58 And a couple of days ago, we attempted to record this episode. I had been grumpy about a day before, and I text to our team how to not be grumpy, because I was grumpy. And I was like, that'll probably help me. And I'm frustrated with me. And I'm annoyed at me because I'm so grumpy. and I'm not a grumpy person and this is ticking me off. Furthermore, two days ago, we tried to record this episode and we called it, we couldn't do it. I was actually so grumpy and so agitated and unsettled by people's pain in my life and situations that we're dealing with as passers. We couldn't even get through the episode. And finally, our amazing team said, let's just maybe take a break or do a different day. So this is actually very real to me right now and to you because we couldn't even get to this episode and it's recording until we got ungrumpy. Yeah. My next question was going to be, is it wrong to be grumpy?

5:54 Well, if it's wrong, a bunch of us are wrong a lot of the time. Do I think it's fulfilling? Do I think it's satisfying? Do I think grumpiness delivers any sort of positive quality that adds to the human experience? Categorically, absolutely not. It doesn't. And so in that sense, I don't think it's beneficial. The general sensation of just being agitated doesn't really ever deliver much at all, does it? Yeah, I think my question was wrong because I don't think it's an issue of what's right or wrong. Yeah, there it is. I think it's an issue of what is beneficial, what's beneficial to us, what's beneficial to the people around us, the people that we love, and to the world that we're actually trying to make a better place. That sometimes grumpiness for the sake of grumpiness isn't beneficial. But there are times when our negative emotions are not just beneficial, but necessary.

6:48 That's right. Whether it is grief, whether it's lamenting with somebody. Thank you for saying this. If it is empathizing with somebody who is in pain. And so as we dive into this, let's dive into a little bit the differentiation between when grumpiness is unproductive and when emotions of sorrow or empathy or compassion are productive? And how do we know the difference? One of the things I think, babe, we talk about a lot is that in our experience with Christianity and in our journey amongst churches and ministries and leaders and incredible Jesus followers is that Christians don't seem to be great at grief, pain, loss. We seem to kind of want to move on as quickly as we can. And so I do think it is really important lamenting, for instance, there's a whole book in the Hebrew scriptures, the Old Testament, that's actually called lament or lamentations, which is many laments. And what is lamenting, but sitting in grief and recognizing it's a part of the human experience and not denying it, not taking something that helps you not feel it anymore.

7:56 Yeah, I think the first time we really encountered this was at the loss of your dad, your dad who had fought cancer for six years. your dad was very much, he believed in divine healing and miraculous healing. And your dad was really amazing that way. And as his body was decaying, his faith was growing stronger, it seemed to be like, no, if God wants to heal me, he can. And then your dad passed away. And that created a bit of an atmosphere, I think, for us in our faith context, where we didn't know how to sit in grief. But what I love about you so much is you didn't care if there was a theological context or not. You just weren't going to pretend to be something that you weren't. One of the things I love about you, never have to guess what you're thinking or feeling. Yeah, it's funny. You just uncovered what I think is one of the great obstacles in all of Christian faith around the world. And that is becoming somebody you aren't, faking it, pretending.

8:57 And I think when you bring up the topic of grumpy, it's going to get to grief. It's going to get to loss. It's going to get to pain. It's going to get to lament. And I hope at least this episode is saying to anyone willing to listen, some days you're going to be grumpy. You can pretend not to be. You can deny that. But I wonder if there's a deeper meaning and a deeper experience for you to have as a human being to say, why am I grumpy? What's going on? What am I facing? What am I experiencing? And we also can go back and touch on more of grief and loss and pain that I think might be a little bit different than grumpy. Is that fair to say? Yeah, yeah. Well, and I think it's so important to differentiate between the two because I think lament and grief are productive and they build something in us in the sense of if you hadn't gone through the grief of losing your dad, if you hadn't have gone through those stages of grief, much smarter people than ourselves tell us you get stuck there. And we see people who have gone through loss and pain and grief and haven't grieved and just get a level of stuck there.

10:04 So I know there is a productive time to sit in pain, to sit in loss, to really lament, to go through those darker emotions. But then there also seems to be a time where it just doesn't seem to be productive to be grumpy. Yeah. And almost comparing and contrasting the difference between when you lost your dad or even the grief of 2020 post George Floyd. You had this deep, empathetic grief and lament and sadness. And there even seemed to be a productiveness to that. But then the last few days, it's just kind of seemed grumpy for grumpy sake. This is not my field of study. I have not researched this. But grief seems to be this thing that's very much rooted in a very specific loss or pain or problem where grumpy is like almost this attitude that is a little bit just kind of lingering. And you're just mad at your dog.

11:02 You're mad at your car because it's close to empty and you're just annoyed. And the cupboard won't close perfectly in the kitchen, so you slam it closed. And I'm not going to tell a story, but Chelsea might have slammed the door a couple days ago. I didn't. And I kind of loved it. Like, I'm weird. I kind of was like, wow, that's super sexy. But anyways, I like it when you show emotion. Like, I want more of it, you know? And then I got a phone call from a friend who's in a crisis. And crises? Crisis? Crisis? Crisis? I don't know. You're on your own so deep in this story. And I'm on the phone with this person. And Chelsea slams the door. And the person paused on the line. And they're like, so anyways. I was like, yeah, they heard that. I heard that. The neighborhood heard that. What makes you grumpy right now? I think what makes me grumpy is low-level stress.

12:10 It's not the big stressors. It's not the big grief and the big loss. I think right now it's the low level stress and uncertainty of so many things happening in our world, whether it's inflation and finances. And I know you don't feel those things, but I do. I'm like, was our retirement plan actually going to work? If it's the low level stress of not knowing what's happening with our kids and the anxiety that they're feeling. I think for me, it's a low level stress that I almost can't identify and can't solve. And for me, if I can't identify it and I can't solve it, it's just this lingering emotion that I don't know what to do anything about. So I think that's what makes me grumpy. What makes you grumpy? Well, I'm grateful I don't feel grumpy today. That's why we're recording this episode today. I think what is most difficult for me right now is the daily disappointing of people. and I mean that on a very macro scale and I mean it on a micro scale. People would say, oh, you got to get better friends. If you're disappointing your friends because you're not there or because you're not present or you're not on the phone enough, just get better friends.

13:20 Yeah, but my disappointment broadens. I feel like I'm misrepresenting or being misrepresented or being misunderstood by different political parties and people in different political parties, social media, the internet, all of this feels like a lose-lose oftentimes because you are defined almost by what you've put into the ether, what you've put into the internet, you know? And so it's like, well, that's not me. That's a really small part of me. So do you feel like with all the pain in the world that we're exposed to, not just at the five o'clock news, but every minute, every moment, there's a new level of pain that we could be exposed to. And some is personal and some is macro. Do you feel almost like you have to be grumpy or sad, or do you feel like it is a disservice to people who are in pain if you are happy and joyful? That's a really, really good question. And my short answer would be, I think we endeavor, you and I, according to this storybook that helps us understand the Jesus we walk with every day, that there is this idea of we are to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice, which means on any given day, part of what we do as people who want to look, live, and love like Jesus is I have had days, I know you have had days where we are literally weeping with joy for the birth of a child in one family while literally grieving the loss, death, incarceration, or injustice in another family? I guess my answer to your question is yes.

15:10 I feel sometimes completely incapable of actually making just the people in our life feel seen, heard and loved in their own unique individual way because of the frequency of information on loss, pain, devastation, wars, injustices, famines. And I don't think that's something that's unique to us in our role. No. I think those feelings are very universal. Yes. Right now, because we all want to be compassionate. Yep. Empathetic. But it can feel like whatever we're doing is wrong. If you're rejoicing, that feels wrong. And if you're crying, that feels wrong. And that's a hard thing to go to sleep with at night. To feel like I accomplished my mission today.

16:03 I did what I was supposed to do today, which I know for all of us, that is a source of happiness. Absolutely. I did what I was supposed to do today. I fulfilled my mission. And if we feel like it's impossible because we're living in a world that's becoming more and more divided and emotions that are more and more divided and information that's so much more out there, man, that can create such a state of just kind of low level grumpiness or agitation because it doesn't ever feel like we're winning or doing it right. Well, and I remember, you know, one of our therapists talking about it's like holding a beach ball under the water in a pool. And, you know, sure, you can do it, but that beach ball is going to surface at some point. And it's kind of like, that's the portrait of all of us emotionally and mentally right now. It's like, we're all just trying to keep this beach ball under the water, but it's almost starting to vibrate under the water and shake and our arms are getting tired at any moment that beach ball is going to come just shooting up through the water. And that's where we're all probably experiencing some level of interaction where it's like, whoa, I kind of just blew up there.

17:07 I kind of just overreacted because I think we're all dealing with a low level of discontentment, a low level of agitation, a low level of disappointing people, family members, loved ones. I mean, the stories we're hearing about people now, it's like dad and I haven't talked. My uncle and I don't speak. It's just on the political landscape of this country that's happening, let alone the much more deeper actual issues of individuals. So interestingly, I think one of the first things that we need to do is actually to lament and to sit in our pain. And to have the conversation that you and I are having, but for each individual to have that and to say, why am I feeling grumpy? And to identify some of those things and then maybe lament them. For you, it's lamenting the loss, grieving the loss of feeling like you can make everybody happy all at one time. When you lost your dad, you realized he was never coming back. For you to realize that that emotion of feeling like you can make everybody happy all at the same time around the world is actually forever gone.

18:10 And I don't think it's coming back. Yeah, it's not. Last night, we were able to take our family out for dinner, and that was enjoyable. We're grateful for that. A lady walked up to our table, and I braced for the worst. That's the facts. She said, can I just say something? Which is an unusual way to approach a table, but I braced in front of my wife and my kids. And I thought to myself, oh, God, please don't let this lady be upset. Something I've said on the internet. Some clip she's seen. something that frankly is a very small piece of me is not totally me. And immediately I braced for the worst. And then she went on to say, we're not members of your church, but your content really helped us. And then she gave us a wonderful compliment. And my whole body just went just relieved, especially in front of our kids.

19:04 And can I just say, I know I can pinpoint the ultimate source of grumpy for me right now is that everybody who thinks I am what they see on social media, I grieve the incompleteness that that presentation is. My hope, which I need to let go of, is this hope that people will see me and take me at face value based on my lifestyle, based on my interactions, based on like real human stuff as opposed to digital photos or videos that are posted from a very small part of my life onto a platform. And I think we used to think that was the pain of celebrities. It's not anymore. That is now the pain of all of us. And boy, that's hard because you're like, my life is to be lived, not to be posted. And there's a verse in the Bible that says, hope deferred makes the heart sick.

20:10 when you hope for something that doesn't happen, you're hoping, you're longing, you want it to come. That's it. The description is a sick heart, which actually could be a little bit of a definition of grumpiness. I think you're hoping for something that is never going to happen in this life. We live in the world that we live in. So how do you let go of that hope? Because we need to have hope and I want to get to hope. But I think before we get to what we should hope in, we need to make sure that we're letting go of our unrealistic hopes. Our world is never going to go back to pre-2020. Our world is never going to go back to pre-social media. And maybe that's part of middle age that you and I are at, is the world has changed and there are some things that we wish could go back, but just can't. We can't keep holding on and wishing for the way the world used to be. And so how do you let go of things that aren't going to come back?

21:06 Maybe it's as simple as accepting you will be misunderstood, period. And that is a massive problem in our world right now. We are misunderstanding each other at a very, very profound level. yes because we understand each other in relationship not in digital platforms and so we can only truly be understood and known by a handful of people but yet we get the opinions of so many people right now and that's a very unique and interesting space i don't want to keep living a grumpy life i don't think anybody wants to and so i think the worst thing that could happen is people listen to this episode and say, okay, I just have to not grieve, not lament, not whatever. And so I think we've kind of established that that is something that's necessary. But then I think the other worst thing that could happen from this episode is people thinking that, okay, I just have to stay in lament and stay in grief. Judy, your dad had an expression that he used to say in the early 2000s, and that was that joy is a choice. And for me as a young woman in my early 20s, when I first started hearing your dad say that, it was so helpful to me to realize I can choose joy.

22:26 What do you think about that now as you sit here in your mid forties? That that's not a complete statement. It's not a statement without some holes. Meaning that there is now, we know this even with research, there is actually a chemical state that you can find yourself in where you can try to make a choice, but you are quite literally facing something in your brain and your body that is either triggered or is firing and it's happening and you're literally having an assault in the form of anxiety and it paralyzes you. At that point, one of the most insensitive, hurtful things you could say to someone who's in the middle of a panic, emotional state, choose joy. That frankly would make it far worse, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah. But then there are days where it's like, hey, I'm gonna choose to be happy and that's relevant and wonderful. But I think we need to be very careful that that statement could be used to really hurt people and really, really miss out on sitting with someone and grieving with them and practicing empathy.

23:28 Yeah, I remember when Mina was with us as a guest. Oh, Mina B. She's such a legend. And she talked about toxic positivity, which I think can be a real thing. But I also think there's a great place for positivity. That's why it's called toxic positivity because then there's just positivity. Positivity that can be really helpful and wonderful. and at times when we do just need to choose, I'm going to be happy today. Instead of thinking about the things that are going wrong, I'm gonna think about the things that are going right. Instead of thinking the things that I'm angry about, I'm going to think about the things that I'm grateful for. Instead of hoping in things that aren't realistic and probably letting go of some hopes that never will be fulfilled, what are some hopes that I can have? What are some things that I can dream of for myself and for humanity that probably are realistic and could be fulfilled and could give me some joy and some purpose back to life. And using our thoughts as a tool to bring about joy and peace and positivity. Absolutely. So there is such a thing as toxic positivity, but then there's also just positivity that's great, that does do something for our soul, for our mind, for our emotions that can change our emotions. How do we tap into that level of positivity without leaning into toxic positivity? Well, I think positivity is a reality. It's a real thing, just like negative, toxic, counterproductive positivity, right? So what I think we're uncovering is that positivity rooted in reality can really produce a wonderful disposition on any given day, right? And I think it's identifying that there is still beauty. Is there ugly? Is there pain? But is there beauty? Is there wonder? Yes, there still is beauty and wonder. And as simple as it sounds, I think you and I have discovered the simple practice, no matter what you believe spiritually, no matter what you believe about the superhero of the universe, which we

25:33 believe is Jesus Christ, you can look out and go, I can't help but say these trees that are so tall and how they move in the wind is so majestic and beautiful. Toxic positivity, I think it moves into denial. Yes. The positivity that is rooted in reality is where we can find that sweet spot, that spot of positivity that's healthy. And the reality, sometimes we need to face some of the negative realities, but we can still choose the positive realities of, I have breath in my lungs in this moment. I have health in my body right now, which I have not had health in my body. And man, that feels good. You know, whatever it takes to focus on the positive realities that are true, I believe is one of the most powerful things that can shift us away from grumpiness and into joy. I bet it releases endorphins. I bet it gives you physical energy. I bet it lights up your brain.

26:31 When my dad passed at 60 years young and we were on that flight to Vegas to say goodbye to my dad who had fought cancer some six and a half years, it wasn't in that exact moment. But eventually over time, it started to dawn on me a lot of people never even have a dad. They never know him. They never get to meet him. I got to have a dad for 30 years of my life who loved me and encouraged me. And all of a sudden, I found a positivity rooted in reality that told me this, how blessed am I that for 30 years, I got to have a true father who was a hero to me. Wow. You know what? I have a lot to be grateful for. And that absolutely shifted. That helped me in my grief. Didn't take it away, but it gave me energy to face it and sit in it. And I think in these times that we're living in, there are positive realities that we can find, that we need to find, that maybe they're a little different than they used to be. Maybe the world has changed a little bit. Maybe we need to go after them a little bit more, but they're there and we can find them. Yeah.

27:45 I have three steps that I've identified while we've been sitting here. I've just tried to identify what has helped me get out of my funk. when I am grumpy, and I literally did this two days ago, and it helped me ask for forgiveness of Chelsea, but here's where it starts for me. I go over the greatest story in the world, and it's a story that I believe is rooted in reality. There is more proof that Jesus Christ lived on this earth, died of Roman crucifixion, buried in a rich man's tomb. The tomb was empty on the third day. He was seen by thousands of people as he levitated into the clouds, cooler than Criss Angel, and that he revealed himself to be not a good man, not a prophet, not a healer, not a social leader, not a political leader. He said, I am the way, I am the truth, and I am the life. And I go over his beautiful, wonderful, earth-altering sacrifice for me, where he who knew no sin became sin, so that I could have a right relationship with God, that I could do wrong and get good. And so I go over the story.

29:21 I'm so glad you said that. I know you want me to stop because I see you nodding. Like, I need to say something. I'm so glad you said that because for us, that is the realist thing in our universe. And it's also the most positive thing. And so no matter what is happening in our life, in our marriage, in our kids, in our finances, in our planet, in our broken world, we always have that anchor to go back to, to have a positive, realistic grasp of what's happening in the world. That's our baseline. I love that. And I'll say this for anyone who's unfamiliar or maybe a little put off by these statements. Here's what I believe. Someone died so I could live. And every day that sobers me up. It's like, well, I'm living a gift. Jesus Christ gave his life for me. So that brings every day into perspective. Now, after I go over the story again, that's point number one, I go over the story again. I go over. And maybe for you, you're like, I don't believe in Jesus. Go over your story again. Go over the miracle that is your story. I almost died three times before I was three years old, should have died. The doctor said to my mom, you may not make it through this pregnancy. If you try to have this child, it might cost you your life. And yet here I am, right? Go over the miracle that is your life. And then it produces the attitude of gratitude, my dad used to say. And all of a sudden, the smallest drop of gratitude can change the scent of your day. Just a little drop. I'm telling you, it's like yeast right in the dough and it can cause the whole day to rise. And all of a sudden you're like, okay, wait a minute. I got enough energy to get out of bed. I got enough energy to get me a cup of coffee because all of a sudden you're like, you know, I'm still breathing. You know, my heart's still beating. And I love that you talked about a scent of gratitude, just one drop, just one seed. It actually doesn't have to be a lot, but one thing that from the core of who we are, we don't have to make it up, that we're genuinely grateful for on this day.

31:28 And can I just say that an attitude of gratitude, one of the best ways to practice it is to use your words and say it to someone. Tell someone what you're grateful for. I'll try to find somebody who will listen to me in the day. I love that. It can be a stranger sometimes at the grocery store. Like, hey, how are you, man? Hey, how are you? Man, I'm just grateful I'm alive today. I can tell you that much. Man, me too. And I'm telling you, that releases something in my body, in my brain. So talk about your gratitude. Talk about what you're grateful for. Text what you're grateful for. Voice memo what you're grateful for. Post what you're grateful for. And then lastly, this is just my progression. I go over the greatest story in the universe. I start to practice my attitude of gratitude because a little drop from that story leaks into my soul. And then I got to go out. And what I mean by go out, Sometimes you got to get out of your head.

32:24 You got to get out of your context. You got to get out. And a lot of people are like, wow, I wish I could travel. You mean you get a plane ticket? No, no, that's not what I meant. I mean, go for a walk. I mean, get a new perspective. I mean, go to the same old cafe you go to every morning, but sit in a different booth. Look at it from a different angle. See a new perspective. Get out. Now, for me, going out has a lot to do with nature. And that's the honesty of where I'm at. Yesterday, I saw two hawks just hovering and soaring and watching them go up and down. But just the wonder of how a hawk soars in the hot summer air is just like, wow. And it just puts things in perspective. And by the way, the scripture does that. Like, look at the fields. Look at the flowers. Do you hear them grunting? Do you hear them moaning?

33:15 Do you hear them toiling to produce their beautiful petals? No. And God's like, listen, I got this whole thing in my hands. Get some perspective. And so those three steps, honestly, it's what's helping me do this podcast today and this episode. I love those because those are steps of fighting. And it's actually just taking a moment to fight grumpiness. It's tools for how to fight it. Instead of just accepting it, receiving it, letting it settle in, saying, well, I guess this is who I am today. I guess this is what I'm going to be today. I guess this is my disposition today. Having some tools like, no, you know what? I can fight this. And it's not toxic positivity. It's rooted in reality and finding real things to be. And I am not saying that those three things make me the jolly green giant when I'm done. You know, it's not like I just, after I'd practice those three things, and I do that between 8 a.m. and 9 a.m. by 9.15, I am just happy-go-lucky Judah.

34:14 No, I think some days you're still a little melancholy. You're still a little like, who is a tough day? But I believe they'll help you keep moving. I love that. You want to pray? Love to. God, we acknowledge that the earth is yours and the fullness thereof, that you are in fact in control. You have the whole world in the palm of your hand and we trust you. We bring all of our emotion, not just the good emotion, but the grumpy emotion, the grieving emotion, the lamenting emotion, all the painful emotions. And we set them before you and we thank you that you see them and you acknowledge them. And we understand that, in fact, this is a part of our journey. Help us now. Help us to see in the midst of tragedy, help us to still see beauty. in the midst of loss.

35:13 Help us to still see the gains in life. We love you. Be with our friends listening right now. I can only imagine where a human being might be listening to this concluding prayer. Oh God, be close to them. Closer than their next breath. Show them your goodness. Show them your power. Show them your vastness. we love you and we thank you Amen

35:44 This has been a presentation of OBB Sound, SP Projects, and Cadence 13. Executive produced by Chelsea Smith, Judah Smith, Michael D. Ratner, Scott Ratner, Elias Tanner, Scooter Braun, Scott Manson, James Shin,