Four Wheels of RPM's

2:44 today about the four wheels of RPMs. But before we start talking about that, I want to talk about the greatness of a Toyota Corolla. I love it. You know what? It's the most reliable car. It is. who says that well chat gpt okay well then we know it's for real you know it's true yes but one of the reasons that there's five different reasons but one of them is because it's simple it is a simple car we got into this car i mean it even had like the old school you know turn the key how many ignition you have the ignition where you push the button i i just recently got a car that has the push button. And I'm telling you, I always forget to turn my car off. And so I walk away, but now they have a little prompt that says you have not turned your car off. That's the kind of help I need as a driver. It's also consistent. That's another thing that we discovered about this car. Very consistent. It's also very well made, very quality. It's not complicated. It's, you know, simple. And you know what we've done in relationships? We've made relationships, I believe, which God wants them to be simple, yet we've made them complex. And one of the great things about this car is it is. And he wants our relationships to be consistent. He wants us to have longevity in our relationships. He wants them to be quality. I think we sell ourselves short when we think about the power of marriage, the power of the relationship between a husband and a wife.

4:11 And obviously that, but that is the, the part that comes after the dating and, and all of that stuff. but God wants us to experience the quality. And then the durability. When Ed and I started dating, we weren't thinking about, oh, are we gonna plan for 50 years from now? Like now we find ourselves 50 years from when we started dating. We didn't think about the long-term, but God says, hey, you can build a relationship that's durable, that will last forever. And then another good thing about the Toyota Corolla, the base price is $26,000. that's good. Now, let me just say this. 26,000 is still a chunk of change. It's a good bit of money. So, you know, even though it's less expensive, definitely less expensive than some of the sports cars that have been on this stage, it still costs something. It still costs something. And to work on your relationship, to invest in your relationship, it does cost something. So kind of relates to marriage. You know, God wants our relationships, Lisa, to go the distance. But Again, no matter where you find yourself relationally, down this relational road or path, God wants to deal with you and help you and transform your life and mine through his word.

5:33 I love what the Bible says regarding the Toyota Corolla. Believe it or not, it talks about it. Proverbs chapter 20, verse six, it says, many claim to have unfailing love, but a faithful person, a Corolla, who can find? It doesn't say look for an attractive person. Obviously, you need to have attraction. It doesn't say to look for a wealthy person. Great. It says to look for a faithful person. And that is what we're talking about. How to have a faithful relationship, How do I have a relationship, Lisa, that is going somewhere? The four wheels of relational integrity, of relational success. That's right. The first one is alignment. Have you ever driven your car and realized, like you're on the freeway, realized that there's like this tug, this pull, it's going one way, and that you're out of alignment?

6:28 I mean, that's a thing. And so we have to take the vehicle into the shop, get the tires checked, because alignment is important. not only with a car, but in relationship. And that's why too, Lisa, we definitely encourage regular maintenance to take your relationship, to run it through experts who can help, who can see things, blind spots we've talked about, that can really assist you when you drive. But when I think about alignment, I think about priorities. Because Jesus said, let your yes be yes and your no be no. And then the Bible says in Matthew 6, verse 33, Seek first the kingdom of God. Seek him first. And then, and his righteousness. And it says, and all these things will be added unto you. Well, that is about what really matters. So priorities are not complex either. I'm simply putting my yes on God's yes and my no on God's no.

7:26 That's it. And how does that relate to marriage? We have to be aligned first of all with the priorities of God. It's so important. Ed has said this every single week because it is the foundational piece is do you have a key exchange story? Ed and I have been married for many years. We have been together talking, dating, whatever for 50 years. That's a long, long time. We have hit many roadblocks and many things along the way that could have caused us to really be out of alignment to the endangerment of our relationship. However, because Jesus is the center of it, we're growing together individually toward Christ. We're actually growing together. Someone explained it to me like, here's Ed, here's Lisa, and here's the Lord.

8:21 The closer we grow to the Lord, the closer we're going to grow to each other. And that is the beauty of alignment in marriage. It's the Trinitarian principle. It is, it's the Trinitarian principle. in our relationships should reflect the Trinity. God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit. There's oneness in the Trinity. Unique in... Form and function. Right. And in marriage, we're unique in... Form and function. Yeah. Ed and I are very different. We're equal in form. Very different. Like the Trinity, but in function. In function. In function. Explain that. Well, okay. So... We need a really longer session to explain that. But anyway, it's more like you have gifts that I don't have. I have gifts that you don't have. Should we name some?

9:15 Sure. Okay. I have a great sense of direction. Great sense of direction. Incredible. Like ridiculous. And Ed does not. Pitiful. Yesterday, we are going to our grandson's baseball game. And it's at the same field it's been for two years. Two years. And we get to the intersection. And I'm like, why are we not in the left lane? And you know, there's that tug. Because I don't want to be telling him how to drive all the time. Although, I find myself telling him how to drive. Yeah, you do. Because we just went right through the intersection. And I'm like, you're supposed to turn left there. So he goes forward, and this is in Southlake at Bicentennial Park. And he goes forward, and there's a giant arch that says Bicentennial Park with a left turn. And so I'm like, oh, great.

10:07 We missed that turn. We can do this turn. But instead, Ed, you turn to go back to the original traffic light, to go to the back way to Bicentennial Park, which the only reason we go that way is because it's closer when you're coming to our house. But why would you need to go up, and then you turn, and then come back and turn right? Do you understand what I'm saying? different in form and function. Yes. That's very well said. Okay. Well, anyway, I'm sorry to throw you. Okay. The second one though, second wheel, but here. Okay. Let me, let me give some homework. As far as alignment, Lisa, what are some things that we could do? What would you share with maybe a couple is dating or maybe someone's been married for five years or 44 years? Are you, are you saying, I guess we are saying that we should have alignment conversations, alignment conversations about your priorities for example yeah when we flow from emotions what we feel like doing or don't feel like doing we're setting ourselves up for relational chaos we have to have priorities emotions are important they are very important and god created us that way but they don't lead we don't lead with emotion we lead with the priorities of god our yes is god's Yes.

11:23 Yeah, you don't feel your way into decisions. You make decisions based on God's priorities, and then the feelings will flow. But if you base everything on feelings, you're going to be in severe trouble. I've been watching this documentary. We have been watching it. Nick Saban, have you seen that? I love college football. You know who Nick Saban is, everyone? Yeah, oh yeah. Nick Saban, Alabama. But wait a minute, stop. All right. We're going to talk about college football. Yeah, let's talk about it. I am dressed to honor the University of South Carolina Gamecocks. Because yesterday, it's the school that I, everybody thinks Florida State. No, my heritage is the University of South Carolina. And yesterday we defeated the Tennessee Volunteers. Now. That was a great game. No one expected Carolina to win. I didn't expect them to win because we left and went to the baseball game. Yeah, we turned the TV off.

12:16 I thought second half, this is not going well. I'm a fair weather fan, so I left. I'm not a fair-weathered friend. I'm a great friend, but a fan. Didn't do good yesterday. Anyway, we leave. It was eight o'clock last night before I realized we won. Ed goes, Lisa, the Gamecocks won. I'm like, you're kidding me. They won. And I missed all the great plays, but my son was kind enough to send me the little clips and I got to see all of that. But anyway, so I'm the football fan. I love this documentary about Nick Saban. Okay, here's what Coach Saban, when you're as great as Nick Saban. And that was just an add-on. It has nothing to do with the message. Yeah, when you're as great as Nick Saban, you got to call him coach. What Coach Saban said though about emotions, I thought was so powerful because they documented the Alabama teams. And he said, okay, we made an emotional decision there and it cost us. We made another emotional decision there. It messed us up. He said, you cannot make those emotional decisions. And he talks about the process. So God has given us this amazing process. Husbands, it says, love your wives as Christ loved the church. This says, wives, we're all, you're all set.

13:24 Yeah, likewise. Likewise. Love. But we should be, we should take that initiative and we should be, as a husband, a house band. The word husband, house band, from two old English, Anglo-Saxon terms, house band. We keep the house together. But that doesn't just happen. It's based on alignment and priorities. That's right. So the second one is communication, right? Yes, communication. And this one is fun because Ed and I also communicate differently. Totally. I often say that God has such a sense of humor because when he put us together, knowing the differences that we had. In fact, recently, Ed and I were talking with some doctors for a physical and all this kind of stuff with some new doctors. And they had us do a personality test. And so it's an online thing.

14:19 Yes, it was very funny. I didn't even know why we were doing it. I know. I was like, what does this mean? So then we'd go into the office to talk about it. And literally, they looked at us and said, we have never seen two people who were as much unalike as the two of you. Yeah, they said we are. Opposites. Complete opposites on how we respond. Whole opposites. But there was a follow-up test, which was very interesting. and it said, based on your relationship, how would you answer these questions? In other words, the first part of the test was about me and how I would respond. The second part of the test was about how I would respond in light of my relationship with Ed. And things changed because I wasn't just thinking about myself.

15:12 I was thinking about how he and I interact. There were things about you that you've taught me how to respond better. There's things about me I've taught him how to respond better and how we've learned to navigate through communication. Communication is massive for too many of us as couples. And you and I were very guilty of this early on in our marriage. Me more so than you. I would hold things in. I did not know how to articulate well what I was thinking for it. You would make sound effects sometimes. If Lisa makes this sound effect, I just know it's not good. And we all have these little tells, don't we? When things aren't going well. I'm not throwing in the fire. I just thought I would just bring that up in front of a few friends.

16:08 But I would tend to be more like, let's say conflict. I would tend to be more like the Tupperware where I hold my feelings in, put it in the back of the refrigerator, let it sit. It spoils. And me. Yeah. And then it has to be raw. Yeah. So you have to understand how to communicate. One of the things I've learned about Ed is that he understands word pictures. It doesn't mean that he's simple. It doesn't mean that he's simple. Yeah, it does. For me, it does. I can understand it. You do a great job at that. You can say that. But for example, when we're on vacation, I love to work jigsaw puzzles. I mean, thousand piece puzzles, minimum. And I just enjoy putting the pieces out, flipping them over, getting the border, filling it in, finding the color categories, all of those. I just enjoy that. So that's what I do on vacation. Ed came up to the table and he's seen me do this for years. And he goes, Lisa, I don't understand. Why do you do this? Why do you do jigsaw puzzles? You just take it out of the box. You do all those different things. And then you look at the finished product and then you enjoy it for a few minutes and then you put it back in the box. What's the point?

17:28 And this taught me- That's a good question, isn't it, guys? What's the point of that? This taught me something. All the guys are like going, Ed's pretty smart. I'm thinking the same thing when she's saying this. But this is something that came to me. I needed to help Ed understand why I did this. So I said, honey, you love to fish. And you pack all of your little things in the tackle box and all the different lures. Now, guys, have you seen this? This is funny. When Lisa describes fishing, everything's little. You take your little rod and reels and get in your little boat and your little lures and you paddle in your little lake and catch the little bass. But I said, you take all that stuff and you go out and you spend hours and you may not catch a fish and you wait and you wait and you fish and you fish and then you catch a good fish. And what do you do? You look at it and then you put it back in the water.

18:35 I said, honey, that's what a puzzle is. It's basically fishing. That's brilliant. So all that to say is just helping one another understand the perspective, the prerogative. That's what communication is all about. When you say, at least it's literally being married, it's like learning another language. It's like, I mean, I'm sure a lot of you have been to another country before. And you walk into the other country and you're like, whoa, different customs, different languages, different gestures, this means this, and this means that. And marriage, we have to study one another, and you never arrive at the language. No, we're always learning. Like you speak Lisa E's, I speak Ed E's, and we have to learn, you know. To interpret. Yeah, interpret. To interpret.

19:26 But communication is huge because Ed does not know what's going on in my brain. And so often, I think women are especially guilty of this, we assume that they've got all this figured out. We don't. No, they do not have this figured out. Nor do I have that figured out. It's not gonna happen. So communication is key. I learned a very good lesson from our therapist after our daughter passed away. She told me, she said, Lisa, you and Ed have just gone through one of the most traumatic things anybody can go through, the loss of a child, the passing of a daughter. And most couples grieve together, then they grieve separately. In other words, there's a period of time where you're very close, and then there's another time where you segue into distance.

20:24 And that would be any tragedy. Any tragedy, anything, but especially in what we were processing. And she said, the biggest thing I can tell you is you're going to have to articulate your feelings, articulate your emotions regularly. In other words, don't just wait till you're, you know, in your level 10 emotional state, even on level one, be able to communicate how you're feeling. And that really helped me because I went from that Tupperware to I'm going to deal with this right now. And at first, it was just us talking about how we were feeling in our grief. But then that has translated into other areas of communication. Yeah, and things too in marriage, and you have to accept others' idiosyncrasies. Like I've enjoyed sound effects my entire life. People have asked me over the years, do you practice your sound effects?

21:19 No, I've done sound effects since I can remember. But I've done a recent one. I wanted to tell you guys about this. This is kind of unique. I don't know why I do this sound, but I started doing it a couple of months ago. When I see the dogs, like when I come in from work and the dogs are there, I'll go. I don't know why I do that. And can I just say, add me to your prayer list because this is. But that aggravates Lisa for some reason. Ladies, can you. I figure. It aggravates me. I don't know why. But anyway, he does these sounds. Shocker. So I might be, I mean, I don't know. I could be working. I could be just, you know, tinkering around the house. I don't know, doing whatever. And I hear this. But what happened on Friday? Friday, we had a special day. We're going to talk about this in a second, but we went fishing on Friday together. We've been fishing together for 50 years. Did you know that?

22:10 It's going to go with me every time, but I'm saying we have fish. And I enjoy fishing. I do enjoy fishing. And so we were out in this little lake. And what happened? You made that sound effect. I made this sound effect. I caught a bass. I'm like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Okay, okay. Our dogs weren't there, so it's not the dogs. I just did it. It's not the dogs. And then I promise you, all of a sudden, I heard this.

22:34 It was a bird. It had to be like. And so we're trying to figure out if Ed has unknowingly been imitating a type of bird. Was that like a mocking bird? I think mocking birds do that, don't they? If the bird. Mocking bird, yeah. If the bird heard Ed and mocked him, we don't know which one. I mean, which came first, the chicken or the egg? We don't know. But either way, on the lake, I'm like, are you kidding me? This bird is doing the exact same noise, exact same pattern, everything. But anyway, all of that. But you told me that it aggravated you, and I've not done that sound as much. As much. It has not ended, but it is not. But that's part of communication. As much, because I have said there are certain things. That's right. Let's go to the next one. Pressure, pressure. Number three, pressure.

23:26 There's pressure on relationships. If you think about our culture, Lisa, pretty much everything in our culture, other than the church, and there's a few exceptions, but the church, everything in our culture is sort of anti-marriage. It's like marriage, family, blah, blah, blah. It's negative. There's this kind of vibe, this subsurface vibe underneath so much. And marriage is about pressure. And you've said this before, and I want you to share this. There was a lady who was talking to us about doing some writings and things about relationships. And she said something about our marriage that really put us back on our heels. So I started describing the different pressures that we've experienced over the 40 some odd years of our marriage. And at that time, it was probably 38, 39 years of marriage.

24:26 And she goes, you have hit the 10 markers of divorce. And we were like, what's that? And so she started going through all these different things. The loss of a child, dealing with a child that has health difficulties, major moves, starting a business, whatever. all these different things that she listed, she goes, those are pressures that often lead couples to separate, to part ways because the pressure is too great. But this is what you find when you're aligned with Christ and God is at the center of your relationship. You're stronger when the pressure hits. I cannot imagine facing life's pressures without it. I also cannot imagine facing life's pressures without the community of the local church. I'm just telling you, I, my heart hurts for individuals who are not plugged into a church. And I can, I hear stories of people who are going through loss, through death, through a major move, through a cancer diagnosis through just some type of major pressure and they aren't tethered to the church, to the community of a Bible study group, to a small group. And I'm like, how are you planning to navigate this? In fact, right now I know of a family that's dealing with stuff and they're not plugged into church. So I'm asking a friend, it's in our neighborhood. I'm asking her, how would they feel if Fellowship Church just came alongside them to bring some meals, to do some, you know, prayer over their lives and to make some contact. Because when we went through our greatest trial, which was LeBeth passing away, we were the recipients of Fellowship Church.

26:23 It was the greatest, most beautiful thing we could have ever experienced. But I'm telling you, It doesn't come with just a soft attendance or non-involvement, non-investment. Yeah, or once every month or once a quarter. Yeah. Make sure you're... And we have, at least we have like Bible study classes for couples. We have small groups. There's so many different avenues. And you will meet best, best friends there. And when these pressures hit, because believe me, again, go back to when Ed and I were 15. I was 15, he was 14. Our sophomore year of high school, he told me we were gonna get married. I'm a prophet. Yeah. Can you believe that? I still can't believe I said it. I know. And I was a little pushback at first, but around college, I was like, hey, remember when you said, blah, blah, blah, I'm kind of ready now. So anyway, but back then, we weren't thinking about the pressures that were gonna come.

27:19 We weren't planning for that. We weren't even thinking about, oh my goodness, you know, our relationships is gonna last for a long, long, long, long time. No, we were thinking about the here and the now. And that's kind of that young and dumb thing. But when God is at the center and you're trusting him, he's going to help prepare you along the way. And one of the ways he does that is through these times of pressure when you can cling to the one who God has given you as a spouse and also to those connections and community with your good friends. Exactly, excellent, it's beautiful. That's beautiful. The fourth tire, you gotta have four tires. Reconciliation. Reconciliation. And this is a good one to end on because we are two individual people. And we handle conflict differently, as you said.

28:13 Sinners, we handle conflict differently, just like communication, we handle conflict. And marriage should be a forgiveness contest. Yes. And guys, I wanna ask you a question. And I know it's tough to be honest because if you're married, your spouse is probably sitting next to you. But do you find that you ask for forgiveness? Do you find that you apologize more than your wife? it's okay. Some are like. Only two hands. Yeah. We don't blame you. It's hard. No, here's my thought. Here's my thought on that. We do more things wrong than our wives. We do. Guys, we just, we do. And, you know, the Bible tells us, as I alluded to earlier, that Jesus would love our wives like Christ loved the church.

29:07 So Jesus initiated that. He initiated reconciliation. So even if we are 0.1% wrong and she's 99.9999999% wrong, we are to initiate the reconciliation. That's right. Ed and I had an interesting situation this past week. Don't hate, but I- Yeah, we got into an argument. Okay. Well, I've been decorating for Christmas. I know there's lots of opinions on that, but we have some travel coming up. And so my home is completely decorated for Christmas. And so I've had ladders out. Yeah, now Lisa is a ladders best friend. I love ladders. She will climb, I'm talking like risk her life. And I used to say, honey, you can't do that. I'll do that.

29:58 Well, you can't do that. And finally, I'm just like, you know what? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, you've said you can't do that. You've never said I'll do that. I mean, we're in church. We're going to be honest. I have said that a couple of times, a few times I've said that in our 44 years, but here's what I do. Here's what I did. I've done this for years. I just will pay someone. It's there. You have to celebrate your spouse's giftedness. I don't want Ed to do the Christmas decorations. That's not his gift. I mean, he's, He has so many gifts. Handyman is not one of them. And Ed has tried. It's worth every dime for me. That's been for 44 years. I just can't do it. So I've been working on. I mean, I could do it. It's just sad. Okay, so I, well, yeah. So I have been working on this thing around our front door.

30:52 And so I hired a young guy that goes to Fellowship Church. His family's been here. I've known him since he's been, he's three years old. And so his name is Ryan. and Ryan came over to help me. He's very handy. This guy, yeah, he's very handy. He's very handy. And so he's like the husband for hire kind of thing. Handyman husband for hire, I should say. Yeah, that's better said. That's better said. Better said. And so, and I didn't let Ryan get on the ladder because I want to do the stuff, but Ryan can hand me. I need to post some of the pictures I've taken of Lisa on ladders over the years. He has these secret pictures and it doesn't tell me. It's unbelievable. But anyway, that's, I need to finish. Okay. So, Ed and I had talked earlier that morning before he left for work about playing pickleball that evening. I enjoy pickleball. I really, really enjoy the sport. Ed, not so much.

31:46 Once I get out there, I enjoy it. It's just the thought of it. Like, let's go play pickleball. That's not his thing. So, but there's a couple. And you love the game. I do enjoy the game. You love it. I enjoy the game. And I'm falling in love with it, little by little.

32:06 We're in church. Don't forget. Well, it should be every time. Yeah. Anyway. So there's a couples group that plays in the evening on this particular day. And so you have to RSVP so they'll know how many courts, all the stuff. You know, so I said to Ed that morning, I said, hey, I got, I mean, we even have like a pickleball text chain. And I said, hey, I just got the text. I'm going to play. Do you want to play? And I felt a little pressure. You know, sometimes I'm like, whoa, I need to do this. You know, recreational companionship. You know what I'm saying to you? It's something that's good. You know, and you did that for me all the time. I'm thinking, okay, I'll do it. I'll go and play pickleball. Okay, so he seemed to have a good attitude, but I did say, hey, I'm RSVPing, so you're going to play, right? He said, oh yeah, I'm going to play. so this was Monday and of course he's very tired after Sunday you know it's a it's like your holy hangover day we call it at our house and so he comes home that late that afternoon he goes Lisa I just I just am tired I don't think I'm gonna play pickleball now I'm on the ladder by the front door finishing up so I can go play pickleball with my loving husband as a couple with all the other couples. And Ryan, who has been helping me, is somewhere in the foyer, somewhere. He's not with us. So Ed comes and says, I don't think I'm going to play. I'm really tired. And then he walks inside. So I'm on top of the ladder, stewing. And Ed comes back out. And I said, Ed, I RSVP'd. It's going to be embarrassing to the people in the neighborhood. It's going to be embarrassing to me. And you said it just like that. And I said, and here's, here's the kicker.

34:06 This is where I really got him. I said, you know, I'm going to go fishing with you on Friday and I'm not going to back out. And I, and I really, it, it makes me sad that you're backing out on me. Okay. So I didn't realize that within earshot was Ryan, but I realized that after Ed and I were in a conversation with Ryan's father and Ryan had gone home and said, dad, Ed and Lisa had this conversation about pickleball and they were in disagreement. An argument about pickleball. very important stuff here. And, but anyway, he told his dad, he goes, I couldn't believe how easily they handled it just by talking to one another. And they ended up getting on the same page.

35:06 Now, can I tell you that one of the reasons that it worked so well that day, I knew Ryan was somewhere close by. Yeah, I kind of did too. And I wasn't, I mean, I'm thinking to myself, you know, we, we've got to, we might have an audience somewhere. So let's do this right. You know, let's reconcile this. Let's, let's argue this right.

35:33 Can I just tell you how important reconciliation is because we have an audience. God is right there with us and he knows the conflict and pickleball is minor. He knows the big stuff. And he cares how we handle it. And as it says in Colossians 3.13, bear with each other and forgive one another. If any of you has a grievance against someone, forgive as the Lord forgave you.

36:08 And there's some marriages hanging by a thread right now. And you wonder, is there hope? reconciliation it's hard it's painful there's some hurt that is so deep and yet when we sinned against our great god jesus said there's no sin too great that i will not hold it on the cross reconciliation is available because it was first available to you and me and so now it's available in your relationships. And I just, I know as we conclude this series on RPMs, you know, we've had some fun, we've had different cars and all this, but the only reason we do this is because we know God sees the potential for the relationships in this room and in every room across the Metroplex and in East Texas and online.

37:09 He sees the greatness of how marriages can reflect the love of God to the world. And that's our goal. That's what we are all about.