Dressed For Parenting

4:01 So whatever family style you come from, you take that with you into parenting. And so, but with that said, Ed and I have the most important thing in common, and that was raising our children in the house of God to learn about our great God and to come into a relationship with him. So that was the commonality. Then you had the little other things that we kind of had to, you say it, we had to dance around. We did. figuring out, but always with our, you know, parenting, it was to be on the same page. The kids are so smart. They can divide and conquer, and they can ask him for, well, when ours were little, they can ask him for something that I would have said no to because I was way more the rule person, and Ed was more, gosh, that sounds like fun, and so they knew who to go to, but we finally figured out that they were playing us, and so we wanted to be smarter than that.

5:03 And Lisa grew up, I mean, her family did a much better job, in my opinion, of giving them responsibilities, she and her sister. Chores, et cetera. Oh, yes. My family- Work was a love language. Oh, yeah. Work is their currency. I know. It was like- Oh, it is their love language. We had chores. I don't remember a time in my life where we did not have some type of responsibility in the home. Whereas our family, some, but I mean, I remember just taking the clothes off and leaving them on my bedroom floor, never making the bed. My mother made, this is terrible, all of the meals. And I didn't really clean up after myself. And Lisa, though, for 42 years, she's trained me. And now I have improved. Very much. There was no other way to go. No, there wasn't. But those are things that's weird. you bring into marriage and into family that you don't think about, then all of a sudden you're like, whoa, we're in it.

6:00 Talk about there seems to be a tendency where the pendulum can swing so far the other way. Maybe you grew up one way and you're like, I'm not gonna raise my kids that way. So like maybe you grew up super strict and you're like, oh no, I'm gonna be totally hands off or you grew up, it was hands off and I'm gonna be strict. You have to be careful not to become a pendulum parent. And the reason is because you may have grown up underneath the authority of someone who maybe was too strict or maybe they were too lenient. So get your guidance from how God's word sets up parenting. And Deuteronomy 6 is a great truth text for parenting. So read it, you'll understand, and you'll see that God has a plan for parenting. and don't let it be to this extreme or to that extreme, but let it line up with his word.

6:51 That's so good. That's great. What's a funny moment when your child tried to outsmart you, and how did you handle it? Oh, that's got to be about Landra. I mean, she is... We are not afraid to name and call. Oh, no. No. Yeah, tell the story, Lisa. I think about the cell phone in Landra. That's pretty good. I'm not sure exactly the details. I don't remember if she had done something and we were taking her cell phone away like it was a punishment. I think that's what it was. Now, we collected technology in the evening just so our kids did not have it at night. And I would recommend that. You know, we called it Collectnology. And if you want to know more about technology, we did a whole series. I did a series called What the Hecknology, and you can find it on our website or our app or whatever. Anyway. So with children, of course, you have boundaries and rules and all of this.

7:43 And so I think Landra had done something because she was that child that would push the envelope, and she loved to have fun, and that's just her. And so we took her phone, and we would put the phones in our bedside table at night, but I had taken her phone, I put it in the bedside table, and she was upset. You know, I had said, Landra, go get your phone, it's mine. And she was upset, but not as upset as I thought she would have been. And so she gave me her phone, I put it in the drawer. Well, the next morning, she did not come to collect it. And I thought, that's odd, because she really wants her phone. She had given us an old broken phone. And kept... That's brilliant. Yeah, there's somebody out there with their mouth like... Yeah. Oh, yeah. Now you feel our pain. Yes. This is what we deal with. So anyway, you have to stay on your game. I'm trying to...

8:37 Anything else that's funny, that's funny, but I know there's been... Other things I just, it's hard to. Well, we had Christmas from hell. Oh, yeah, the Christmas from hell. That happened years ago. That involved Landra too. Yeah. We did, you know, who knows how many Christmas services. And we came back home and we were ready for this hallmark Christmas. And it turned into kind of a family fight, an argument. Actually, we had a court session. Yeah, we even had a mock court. A mock court because Landry. And I go, kids, I just spoke about the birth of Jesus, and we're having a court session, and it's Christmas Eve, you know. Because LeBeth had accused Landry of stealing $100, and she did. She did.

9:30 She did. That's. But, you know, there was forgiveness, there was reconciliation and all that. Well, I'll tell you another funny thing. Let's go to the next question. This is not parenting, though. So one time, one other year, we were doing all these Christmas services. And at the time, we had two Dobermans, two Bull Mastiffs, and their giant dogs. And then we had a little dog. And for some reason, I don't think I closed the door. No, it was me. At least it wasn't. Okay. See? I know it was me. I didn't want to throw you in the fire. Thank you. So we do all these Christmas services. We come back. The dogs got in our house. They ate and tore up. They grabbed some off the counter. That's another story. I had chocolate-covered cherries wrapped for my mom who was visiting us, and the dogs found that under the tree and opened it. Yeah. And they left a lot of other things besides wrapped gifts, unwrapped gifts.

10:24 But anyway, okay, go to the next question. All right. With so many parenting experts out there on social media, how do you quiet the noise and know what's right? so I I I love to follow Instagram and see all these different things and actually I see a lot of great stuff that I wish I had had I see some you know tricks and thoughts and some of that but I have to put it through my thought process as to whether or not it's legit gonna line up with our values and our biblical worldview, which is what we operate from in our family. So there are a lot of things, a lot of trends and things like that, but there are also a lot of hacks that I'm like, that is good. And just recently I saw one that said that little boys, toddler boys and elementary boys, they need to be loud. It's part of their psychological development. I constantly think when I hear my grandsons, it's like, shh, shh, shh, shh. And then it changed my perspective because I realized that obviously there's an inside voice, outside voice, and we have to have, you know, some things going on with that. But that's just part of little boys being little boys. And I have to kind of be aware. And you sometimes will tell me that I'm being a little loud because I have a loud voice. But you're not a little boy anymore. No. The rules don't apply.

11:52 Well, I don't know. Ed has a really loud voice. I do. And he hums. But here's another hack that I found. So Ed has attention deficit disorder, if y'all didn't know that. It's a shocker, I know. And I heard that one of the ways that grownups focus that have ADHD or ADD is to hum or sing to themselves. And I have felt so guilty because I would say, Ed, you're humming. Please stop humming. And I realize it's for his benefit. He needs to hum. But sometimes I just hum back, and then he stops. Yeah, when she starts humming, I'll stop. So that's maybe too much information. Go ahead. All right. When is it time for your young adult to move out? Woo!

12:42 Well, in our book, Kid CEO, we define parenting as teaching. and this is from the Bible, Scripture verses, teaching and training your kids to leave. In other words, spouses stay, kids leave. Now, that's not like a hard leave, but there's something to that. In today's economy, I think things are different. I probably would have been pushing them out a lot quicker several years ago. But in today's economy, I mean, you have to think about the cost of what it is to live by yourself and all of those different things. So I think you have to have some wiggle room there. But obviously, at age 45, you don't necessarily want to have living at home. So there's a process. But from the time they're born, you're teaching them to individuate. You're teaching them.

13:36 I remember the pediatrician when LeBeth was born. He said, Lisa, the first 30 days of life, you do whatever she needs for you to do. Day 31, you start teaching her what you know she needs to do. And I thought, that's pretty good advice. And I also thought, I can live for 30 days like that. And it works. So we're constantly teaching them to individuate. Another thing to consider in that is letting them fail. Letting them learn what it's like to be disappointed. As a parent, we hate to see our children be disappointed, but that's part of life. So when we allow them that, I mean, I grew up drinking out of a water hose. I grew up swinging on a swing set that the concrete wasn't really set in the back. And when you would swing, it would kind of, you know, there was a risk involved. And I think as parents now, we tend to take those risks away. Obviously, we want our kids to be safe and we're going to do whatever to make that happen. But we cannot be a helicopter parent and just swarm over them. We have to help them to graduate and individuate.

14:40 And that's why it's so important, too, to have community and connection. And that's where the church comes in. I mean, Lisa and I have been very open about this. We relied heavily on Fellowship Church to help with this parental process. So you can talk to people. You can ask questions. And I was in a conversation right before I walked out about the importance of asking questions. Because when you ask questions, there is a vulnerability. There's this deal like, well, man, I don't know this. but you got to face that fear and go for the ask. Don't be a dumb ask. Go for the ask, and then you hear the answer, and you apply it. So good, so good. All right, with so much craziness going on in our culture now, when and how do you teach young children what is biblical on topics like transgender, same-sex marriage? Whoa.

15:31 So, I don't want to be the one that talks all the time. Did you want to answer? Well, you know much more than I do. But I would just say, let me give you my answer, and then you'll really explain it. My answer would be, when these topics come up, these taboo topics, controversial topics, don't over-talk or over-answer. and my mother told a story about me and she gave me this over answer because I was asking her like at six years old or whatever, man, why does that woman have a big swollen belly? And she said, well, Ed, in her Mississippi accent, there's a baby inside. You've gotta be kidding, no way. So she goes, I'll tell you later.

16:25 So we went home after seeing this lady, and she sat down and explained to me the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees. And she said, I thought I gave a great speech. But at the end of it, you said, no one would do that. I don't believe you. So she said she overanswered. If she would have just stopped at, there's a baby inside, you know, and it happens because of love with a parent, she would have been fine. So answer the questions that your child is asking and do it in an age-appropriate way. However, you have to be keenly aware of what they are exposed to. We're in a time where we cannot just assume that they are getting, well, they're not getting a biblical worldview at school. So you have to be the one that kind of guides that.

17:20 And just this past two years in our grandchildren's school, we've had a kindergartner and first grade that have come home with library books that are very much promoting same-sex relationships and whatever. So anyway, all that to say, be aware, be able to talk to your child about it. But yet with our grandson and granddaughter, their parents, they did the talking. That wasn't my place. they asked me to assist in talking, in crafting a note to the school and what they should say, but they handled it and they did it beautifully. And they just explained to their child, you know, we're going to substitute this library book for a different library book. And they didn't go into the whole thing because Sterling and Thunder could not have understood that. And the overarching thing too with our kids and I think what we did is we told our kids, taught our kids, we accept everyone.

18:22 We love everyone. But it doesn't mean that we approve and applaud of everyone's behavior. So I think that's important to teach at an early age. I know sometimes it's difficult for little ones to even comprehend that. But they comprehend more than you think. Even like this past week, we found out that our grandson had been bullied. He's in kindergarten. And man, I wanted to go up to the school, you know. I know both of us were like, where? Where is that child? You know, and it was discovered because Sam, our son-in-law, Thunder didn't want to wear a vest, like a Patagonia vest, which is a really cool vest. And it was a cool vest. Cool vest. And I don't warn it. And Thunder's a cool dresser. Yes, he is. But he disobeyed his dad and left it in the car.

19:14 And so Sam, when he picked him up from school, said, Thunder, why did you disobey me? I told you when you said you didn't want to wear it, I told you to wear it. And he goes, the boys at the table make fun of me for what I wear. And it crushed Thunder. And of course, it crushed all of us. And we're having a prayer chain about how are we going to handle this bullying. And then they said, too, they didn't want to be his friend. They didn't want to be his friend. So these are real issues, but Laurie and Sam approached it from a standpoint of not everyone's going to like you. And a lot of times people who don't like you or say something bad about you, it's because they themselves are hurt in some way. So we want to love them and just be their friend regardless of what they have to offer us back. You think that's a hard concept. thunder really seemed to get it.

20:08 And the next day, you know, he was encouraged to be kind. And I also told him a story. I didn't tell him the complete story of when I was young and was bullied. And I went home and, you know, I was upset and everything. And please no emails or DMs. Do not. Oh, my. Dad taught me. He goes, son, you're going to have to fight. and he said, you know. I did not let him tell Thunder this. No, no, I didn't tell Thunder this, but he said, you know, if this kid continues to pick on you and we put the gloves on. I mean, he was like the Tyson fight, Jake Paul. And we put the gloves on. So the next day, this kid, I'm just going to say this, who'd been bullying me, he bowed up, boom. And it's interesting. Once I fought, I was in the fifth grade.

21:03 No one ever picked on me from that day forward. So I didn't tell Thunder that. What I told Thunder was I stopped the story. I said, I was made fun of. I was a new kid at school. You know, blah, blah, blah. And I said, everyone's not going to like you. So I stopped there. I did not tell him. It's good. Because here's how Ed and I are different. I told Thunder, I said, Thunder, you make sure to tell your teacher if he says something. and yeah and i'm not like some violent guy don't i'm not no all right how can i raise daughters who have a godly self image well listen you know you know what book that i forgot that i wrote a while back i wrote it with mac richard beauty full it's a great book because it talks about seeing yourself the way god sees you. And with women and the comparison game, young girls, especially with social media, can deal with this. And Landra has written two beautiful books about her struggle with self image and self esteem and what she walked through. And I will say that I didn't understand how she could feel like she wasn't beautiful or, or wasn't adding up. And I think there's some underlying things that were at play, but I just couldn't figure it out. I'm like, you're beautiful. You know that God loves you. He created you in his image, and we went through a process for her to come through, but I will say that one of the healing things in her life, I believe, is that she was surrounded by other women who saw themselves in a healthy way, and I am the primary person who has to be that example for her. If I'm constantly comparing myself or making statements that I don't add up, or I wish I could change this about myself, and really focusing on that to an extreme, then that's what sets them up for having a hard time. And a father's role in also highlighting

23:15 that and underscoring that. Yes, like the father's role with their mom and with them. Absolutely. Blended family situation. How do you prioritize your spouse? That is a very interesting question. In the blended family, and we have so many blended families here at fellowship, I would say almost half of the families represented, 45% will be blended families. What I believe the Bible says about this is it's about priority. In other words, your biological children, I mean, that's you, your life blood. Then all of a sudden, you marry someone else. That marriage doesn't work out. You marry someone else.

24:12 Yeah, this other person is not your offspring, but priority-wise, the Bible says, we should put our spouse, our new spouse, as a higher priority than even our kids. Did I explain that well? Yes, but it's about their position in your life. They're your spouse. Yeah, position, that's it. It's a covenant. Right, right. It doesn't mean you love your children any less. No, no, no, no, no. It means you have to strategically work harder to nail down those priorities and to show them. And you can get into neglect. I know I interrupted you, but I will. You can neglect your new spouse just constantly because of the needs of your kids. And I understand you have to do that some, but the spouse needs to know, I'm talking about a blended family and also a nuclear family, where they fall as far as positionally.

25:10 And it helps the kids or adult children. It helps the marriage. And it gives it great trajectory. Because most of the times you're bringing two families together, not just a family with another spouse. You're bringing two families together. And these are the things you have to really talk about prior to that marriage. Making sure you are on the same page, talking about how you discipline. And then you have the extension of disciplining your children with your ex. And all of that is about communication, and it takes the work ethic of marriage to a whole other level. But it can be a beautiful thing. And Lisa and I have said this, too. One of the biggest mistakes we made before we were married, and even after we were married the first several years, we did not get counsel. We should have gotten counseling prior to getting married, and we didn't start going to counseling or therapy ourselves until later.

26:08 If I had to write like a text to myself back then, I would go, Ed, come on. Go to counseling. And I would have probably found out that he dropped his clothes on the floor. And I still would have married him, but we'd have figured out a way around it. How do you handle conflict in front of the kids?

26:30 You're going to disagree. Ed and I don't. We're very different. I'm more of an introvert. He's an extrovert. And we just are very different. Lisa would handle. I tend to hold things in. You're kind of like shaved ice a little bit. You're kind of cold sometimes. if you don't talk. But you love shaved ice. I love shaved ice. But I would handle it more like, you know, like that. But not, yeah. But you're going to wait and wait. And it's like that song that Foreigner sang back in the day. You're cold as ice. You remember that song? Man, that was a great song. Wow. Yeah, so. Willing to sacrifice. But you don't, I don't even know where to go from here. Okay, so you're going to disagree. What you show in front of your kids is really important.

27:23 But I think for a couple to say, oh, we never get in an argument. I'm like, do you have a heartbeat? I mean, you're. We've talked to some people before. These couples are like, oh, we never fight. I'm thinking. Oh, my word. And I don't think we're the weird ones. I think they're the weird ones. but make sure that when you disagree that you don't put this big show up in front of your kids because your kids are going to pick sides well I think mom's right here I think dad's right here and there's going to be a divided front so you need to be able to disagree but pull away discuss it in private come to a resolution and that's the best way to teach your children problem solving and reconciliation. Forgiveness, all of that. We're the ones who set them up for that in their lives. If you think about too, there's a text, Colossians chapter three, verses, you can put it up now, verses 12, I think 13 and 14.

28:23 And here's what it says. It says, and it really, what it's talking about is getting dressed. I mean, every day we get dressed, we think, okay, I'm going to get dressed. and as many of you know, I've always loved fashion and things like that, getting dressed. I'm thinking about, you know, whatever. So therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, check this out, clothe yourselves with what? As a parent or as a person. With compassion.

28:50 With kindness. You could call that the coat of compassion and kindness, couldn't you? Humility. Hoodies are, the hoodie of humility. Let me see if I can do another one. The jeans of gentleness. The jeans, yeah, jeans. I got to tell you a story about some jeans I bought recently. This is off the subject. This is the last service. I got these jeans at a vintage shop, 1960 Wrangler. These things are so cool. I'll wear them one time. The terrible thing about going to a vintage store is you see everything that you've bought. I know, that's the sad part about it. We are vintage. Go ahead. Anyway, jeans, the jeans of gentleness and patience. Yes, and that's the wardrobe of a parent. That is. Every day, and as a follower of Christ, if we wake up and put on the garment, clothe ourselves with these things, and it says, bear with each other and forgive one another.

29:45 If any of you has a grievance against someone, forgive as the Lord forgave you. And I always say that's the thing that drives us to reconciliation. When you think about what Jesus did for us at the cross, the forgiveness that he gave us in spite of all of our sins, then that puts it in perspective for reconciling. How do I prioritize family time, sports, school, activities, and church?

30:16 Well, look at that list and decide which one is going to secure your children's destiny and their eternity. And sports is awesome. School, awesome. They all have their place, but there is nothing that supersedes a relationship with Christ. And for Ed and I, we leaned into the church. We leaned into community here. And when the hardest things happened in our family, even just three and a half years ago when LeBeth passed away, if it had not been for our faith first, for the community that we have here at Fellowship Church, our story would look a lot different. And because of that priority, God has truly walked us through and not just with kind of a halfway lifestyle, no, with a full, thriving, joyful, abundant, fulfilled life.

31:25 Yes, and that's not to say either that we don't have anger and doubts and questions and regrets even to this day, but God's grace has overshadowed and surrounded us. I think about a study that Harvard did about a decade ago on priorities. It was in the Harvard Business Review, and they mentioned the difference, the delta between priorities and commitments. They said most people would kind of go, okay, I agree with these basic priorities. But then they put their commitments in another column, and their commitments did not reflect their priorities. So the whole article was about how do you bridge that delta between the two? And I like the word priority. I know we've said it, we say it all the time, prior.

32:19 Prior to the decision, prior to the choice, here are my essentials. It's God, you know, it's family, you know, so anyway. What would you say to a parent that says it's too late? my kids are grown and I didn't do this. It's never too late. God is bigger than what you can even think or imagine. And he can bridge that gap. He can bring you together. Now, the first thing I would say is ask yourself, why is there a delta between you and your child? What did you, or I would have to ask myself, what did I do to help cause this? Is there anything that I can do to help reconcile with them. And then more than anything, pray.

33:11 Ask God to open doors, and then you begin to demonstrate that wardrobe, that humility, that compassion, that patience. And I believe that God will open doors, maybe just a little crack here and then another crack, but he will help you to make that happen. Yes, so good, so good. We wanna close our time together and just pray a prayer of blessing over each and every family that's represented here. So we just invite you just in your seat, bow your heads and close your eyes. Maybe you're watching at one of our campuses, at our downtown Dallas campus, our Fort Worth campus, or Frisco, or East Texas, or maybe you're tuning in at one of our prison campuses. Wherever you are, just bow your heads and close your eyes and join me. Father God, we thank you, first and foremost, for the gift of your one and only Son who came to this earth, who lived a perfect life, who died on a cross, took our sin, our shame, our punishment so that we could be forgiven.

34:12 And if you're here and you've never made that decision personally to surrender your life to Jesus, that's where this all begins, to raise a family that knows and loves and fears the Lord. It all begins with a personal relationship between you and our heavenly father. I wanna give you an opportunity right now. You'll just simply say this prayer. It's not magic words. It's just a conversation between you and God. And if you'll mean it in your heart, he'll meet you right where you're at. You say, Heavenly Father, I know I'm a sinner. I can't do it on my own. I've messed up. But I know that you love me. You love me so much that you sent your one and only son, Jesus to take my sin, to take my shame. I pray that you would forgive me, wash me, cleanse me, and make me new. Today I repent of the way I was going, and I want to walk in a new direction following you. Thank you that you rose again. Thank you that I have the promise of everlasting life in heaven. As I choose to follow you from this day forward, I want to revolve my life and my family's life around you and the truth of God's word. We love you. We praise you. I thank for each and every family that's here. God, I pray that you would go before us. Your Holy Spirit would guide and direct us as we leave this place today. We love you. We praise you in Jesus' name.

35:40 Amen.