HOW TO HAVE AN AFFAIR

4:06 Oh my goodness. You know, it's amazing how it usually doesn't, I mean, I don't know anybody that says, okay, I'm going to wake up today and I'm just going to ruin my life. I'm going to have an affair. Nope, it usually starts out with something that is in the head much sooner than it ever goes to the bed. And it starts usually with an urge or a thought, a fantasy, an idea. And if we do not take those thoughts captive, 2 Corinthians 10, then that urge, thought, fantasy, and idea begins to take hold. And then it goes from, well, it can go to stupidville very quickly. How do you take thoughts and make them captive?

5:05 How do you do that, Don? Number one, and we've talked about this, Ed, you first of all have to be thinking about your thinking, being aware that you actually can think about your thinking. You know, you can speak to different parts of your body. You know that, right? You can speak to your feet. David oftentimes spoke to his soul. He said, soul, hello, why are you so downcast? What's going on here? In other words, you can speak to your mind. And you can say, all right, what am I thinking? Think about your thinking. think. Now, I can give some psychobabble words for that. We call it metacommunication, blah, blah, blah. It's just simply thinking about your thinking. And then when you think about your thoughts, and the Holy Spirit is with you, the enemy will take you further than you intended to go, keep you longer than you intended to stay, but will always charge a price higher than you ever dreamed of paying. And when that price tag is shown, believe me, brothers and sisters and friends and neighbors, there is, I was almost going to say a word that's a little risque.

6:16 There is no screw worth the screwing you're going to get. I know that's blunt. And I'm sorry if I, I don't want to offend anybody, but I'm just going to be very blunt and honest because God's word is blunt and honest. Yeah. And then Don, people sometimes don't know that because they've not read the word of God. Yeah. God, God gives it to all over. Yes. The old Testament is R rated, but done. One of the ways though, that, that people mess up in this area is they convince themselves, as you said a second ago, it's not going to happen to me. I'm above it. I'm beyond it. And you're, you're saying, as we said earlier, it can happen to anyone. And then from there, they begin to cultivate this relationship. Yeah. Third party. Yeah. It starts out, it starts out very innocently. It could never happen to me. I'm above that. After all, I go to this church and I've got great teachers and pastors and this could never happen to me. And yet, if we're not careful, those little slips, those little compromises, as they would say, the little broken windows theory, which is if you break a window and don't fix it quickly, pretty soon all the windows are broken. And if you deal with sin, listen, if you deal with temptation when it is still an urge or a thought or a fantasy or an idea, in other words, when you are first tempted, that is not sin. Jesus was what? Tempted at every point such as we are, and yet without sin. So temptation is going to come. And temptation is the enemy is not that creative.

8:01 I mean, the scripture says that there's no temptation that has seized us except for that which is common. You know, as a man, I'm going to be tempted the way that most other men are going to be tempted as a woman, you will be tempted the way that most other women are tempted pretty commonly. And one of the lies of the enemy is to somehow think that you're being tempted uniquely. If anybody would know how I'm being tempted, what would they think of me? Well, join the crowd. If you're a man, you're going to be tempted the way that most other men are tempted. And as a woman, you'll be tempted the way that most other women are tempted. And that is when temptation needs to be dealt with when it's still an urge, a thought, a fantasy, an idea. There is no temptation that seizes you except for that which is common and with the temptation. At first, I'll stand up on this one. The Holy Spirit will usually shout at you and say, stop. What are you doing? Get out of there. Bounce the eyes. Run away. Run, run, run.

9:05 And we hang around and we say, well, it's not so bad. Because what's the problem with the look? I'm not buying the product. And then the Holy Spirit says, no. And we hang around, we horse around, we hang around, we horse around. The temptation grows stronger. Our will grows dimmer. And pretty soon, guess what we hear from the Holy Spirit? Listen carefully. That's what we hear. Wow. And then we cross over the line. We take the off-ramp to stupidville, and then there are consequences to be paid. And that's the thing that the enemy always tries to shield us. Ed and Lisa, the enemy tries to shield us. I mean, we can talk about how bad adultery is. We can talk about how bad pornography, all the other attachments, till the cows come home.

10:03 What the enemy does not want us to know and to think about are the consequences of those choices. That's so well said. Brilliant. And we begin to cultivate, Don, this relationship with a third party by saying things and sharing things we have no business doing. One of the rules that Lisa and I have tried to live by is when we are alone or I shouldn't say alone or maybe just talking to a member of the opposite sex that we bring each other up yeah like in the first hopefully 20 seconds and you've said it a thousand times oh by the way this is my wife Lisa this is my wife I want you to meet her I I remember distinctly we were at a restaurant in Dallas and um we were exiting and there was this woman coming up and she recognized Ed and I mean she was dressed and she was she had all the curves in the right places she was everything and so she just stopped and started talking to Ed and I was coming out and the moment Ed caught me in the side of his eye you know peripheral vision he called me over to introduce me to her and it just was like yeah and I'm not saying I'm perfect in every situation guys don't think like, oh my goodness, this guy's the Apostle Paul. No, I'm not saying that, but I'm saying, yeah. But I mean, that's the kind of practical things. And then if- And it becomes habitual muscle memory. That's right. Yeah. And even if it's not like I'm with him, he would say, my wife and I enjoy, you know, he would bring me into the conversation and I, him as well. The message is so clear. It is we, our, us. Oh, brilliant. This is our relationship.

11:57 Come on, Don. He's doing it now. And there's not room for a third person in this relationship. And I can't tell you how proud it makes me feel when he does that. I mean, I'm just standing there going, well, look at you, but look at me. Look at me. I got the man. But I feel the same way. I'm sure you do. If you're on the pickleball court and I'm not there, Lisa loves pickleball. And Dawn, I have, pickleball is not my first love. It's really not. But I've tried to play more and more because Lisa enjoys it. That's right. And now I'm starting to kind of get into it a little bit. Pickleball is my fishing. Yeah. And Lisa though. And Lisa has. I have fished a lot. Dawn, how great it is. Lisa. I love it. Do you want fish with me? I mean, it's not like, I don't do the tournaments with you but she'll fish with me not every time but she'll fish with me and I am like that with pickleball I don't play pickleball with her every time but some of the time because I know that leads to a good time there's a little sacrifice that has a big reward that's true but anyway even then though Lisa and I know you do the same so it's not just me that does that you do that as well. No, I do. I bring you into conversations, even, you know, in, in the church, when, when I meet people and I'll talk about my husband and whatever, and it just brings validity to our relationship and it brings a confidence that of the oneness that we shared. And again, as you just articulated, it says there's no room for anyone else. There's no room here.

13:37 And Don too, don't we, we, we, we convince ourselves it's not going to happen. Then we cultivate the relationship with the third party. And then we compare our spouse with others, which is unfair to compare. It's unfair to compare. I mean, how many ways can you spell dumb? It is like when you start to do that, listen, here's the thing. The person that you're likely or could be at risk of or you're tempted to have an affair with is typically you're going to see that other person at their best moment. They're going to be dolled up, looked up, smelled up, looking good, feeling good. I mean, it's all good. And then when you're with somebody in this covenant relationship of marriage, you are basically saying for better or worse, in richer or poorer, in sickness or in health. In other words, you are going to be with that person 24-7 in your heart and mind. And sometimes they're not always going to look their best, but then you sometimes can just start to make these little compromises of comparisons.

14:41 And listen, that really, can I just say, that is the definition of adultery. That is what we're talking about. Adultery means to give to another what rightfully only belongs to the one. Let me say that again. That's brilliant. it. Adultery means that you are giving to another what only rightly belongs to the one. Listen, God will never prohibit from you anything that is ultimately good for you. And if he says, I love that. You want me to say that again? Yes, sir. God will never prohibit. It's not, he's not this cosmic killjoy like, oh, you really want to do this, but I'm just going to take. No, God will never prohibit from you anything that is ultimately good for you. And he said, it is not good for the man to be alone. And so he provided a person who approximated him, a wife who was going to be with him, someone that he could enter into a covenant relationship.

15:50 and yet just one look that's all it took you know and then like you start to look and then you look again then you take that second third look and pretty soon that person's embedded in your mind and then it's not too long until from the head to the bed guard your heart above all else for out of it flows everything that's important in life I think it's interesting too that in the wedding vows, the traditional wedding vows, it is for richer or poorer in sickness and in health. So that the bad stuff's already in there. So it's not like, Ooh, I'm shocked. There's, there's not so pretty things. No, I mean, the wedding vows, right. Initially tell us that there there's, it's not going to be a bed of roses. And so we should always be prepared and going back to just smart practices that make, that can cultivate, well, this is not, this is a dumb practice that could cultivate an affair, is in business, often you have to have lunch or a meeting with the opposite sex. And one of the things that Ed and I have, that's in our decision-making process, our Ten Commandments of Purity that we've written for ourselves, is that we're not going to eat alone with a member of the opposite sex. I understand for us that works. For others, they may have business meetings or whatever, but don't go personal in those meetings.

17:21 Watch your tongue. Watch what you share. Because when you start to share personal things, then there's this little emotional thing that starts to be activated in the four and a half inches between your ears. Like this feels very comfortable. This person laughs at my jokes. This person thinks I'm all that. This person really thinks I'm something. And that becomes almost like a friendship. And one of the things that Dr. Don asked us in one of our sessions with him, and he just looked at Ed and he said, Ed, do you have friends, male friends who you can confide in, who have a biblical understanding of the direction God has for your life? Do you have those types of friends? And I was so, you know, I knew it, but for him to articulate, here are three people, four people who I know fit into that category. And he asked me the same question.

18:19 None of those people were of the opposite sex. They were of men to men, women to women, and that's it. And you know what's so great about the body of Christ, the local church, Don, is we provide opportunity after opportunity for this. We have a phenomenal men's ministry. We have midsize groups, Bible studies. We have small groups. I mean, serving teams. So, I mean, you've got to be in stupidville not to meet these. Men, get a friend. I call it a pain partner friend. A friend who knows how to listen. Someone who would take a bullet for you. Someone has similar interests. Same sex, same gender. Somebody that knows how to listen. Someone that can ask a second question and a third question and stay out of their own autobiography long enough to get into your world. Oh, is that good? Did you hear that?

19:13 I love that. And ask you again and draw it out. Say that again, Don. Come on, Don. Listen, when you're listening to somebody, stay out of your own autobiography long enough to ask that other person a second question. Tell me what it's like. What does it feel like? How did you manage that? How did you get through that? Tell me more about you. You step aside. Get into that person's world. It's like becoming incarnate into the other person's world to draw them out. And believe me, as iron sharpens iron, a twofold cord is not easily broken. The words of a friend, trustworthy friends, sometimes can be harsh at... Is my preaching or just answering? Oh, no, you are preaching, Dr. Don. Come on, Don. But the point is, listen, all right, I'm going to be as blunt as I can. Guys, listen to me carefully. Eyeball me. get a friend or have a failure. I don't know if I can be any more clear.

20:08 That doesn't mean to say that if you have a close friend, you won't have a failure, but I've never seen an exception that if you do not have a friend, it's inevitable, it's only a matter of time. Don, you remember, well, of course, he's iconic, the musical artist, Michael W. Smith. Yeah. Okay, here's my quick imitation of him, and this is my favorite song he sings.

20:32 Friends are friends forever if the Lord is Lord of them. I've always wanted to do that. That's not bad. Go for it. That's pretty good. Not bad at all. I was a little bit off tune. Friends will not say never. If welcome will not end. It's hard to let it go. And we need this kind of a friend. In the Father's hands we know. And women, you need one, too. It's a lifetime. Is that pretty good, Scott? I love iron sharpens iron. The sad thing is if you want to cultivate an affair, it's like you choose anything but iron. You choose some soft substance. You want a sinful sympathizer. Oh, my goodness. All of us can find someone who will enter our pity party and celebrate pity with us.

21:28 So we're not talking about just anybody. We're talking about a friend that has the stuff. It's the iron because, you know, once you start telling your sob story, well, you just don't know. They don't understand me. Or, you know, she's crazy. And she says, he's a narcissist. That's where it always ends up. She's crazy. He's a narcissist. Yeah. And so people will say, oh, I get it. I get it. I'm telling you. I see. Yeah, and I think you're 100%... Oh, it's that empathy, and oh, that must be so... And then you go home, and this person's not listening to you. Your spouse is not listening. They're not caring. They're not celebrating. But this person, it just feels so good. Yeah, so you have to choose wisely. Otherwise, you will cultivate a relationship. And listen, you know, Don has, and this guy's life, you wouldn't believe his life. Military, don't even ask him about that.

22:23 We're talking about on the next level, his background. And what he's done with all of that, also with all of his marathons he's run and is still running, he has some core friends that are iron in his life. Every Saturday morning. Listen to this. Tell us, Doc. And one of the great, one of the first things about a close friend is they can't be overly impressed by you. Right. I mean, my friends are not, oh, Dr. Litchie, tell us everything you know. No, they say, you're so full of it. Yeah, that's what you need. We need that, guys. We always say what goes on the trail stays on the trail. But listen, I've got these three other guys. We meet at 6.55 every Saturday morning. We pray together. We run together. We talk together. We solve the world's problems. We share our life together.

23:15 What goes on the trail stays on the trail. And these are friends that I know would be my pain partners. They would be by my side. They have been my side through cancer and through struggles and kids and prodigals and on and on and on. These are people that not only are not overly impressed by me, but they really love me. And there's things I can share with them as men to men. Guys, listen. Get a friend. Women, get a friend. Two or three guys, two or three guy friends. Women, two or three close female friends. You say, my spouse is my best friend. No, I'm talking that your spouse is your dearest eros friend. These are the best philia friends, people that are your friends. That even say, the scripture says, even stick closer than a brother.

24:11 Philia is brother, right? Philia is brotherly love. That's where we get philia. And eros would be erotic. Erotic love. That's the love you have here. Yeah, that's good. So, Ed, what do we do if we want to not have an affair? Well, we basically reverse the process. We took those principles about how to have an affair, and then, okay, I'm going to have an affair with my spouse. Why do you do that? Convince yourself, right, it can happen to you. You walk in reality. Also, cultivate your relationship with your mate. Cultivate. Say that again. That is, like, really a big word. Cultivate. That means... Date night, mate night. Do it over, over, and over, and over, and over. That's right. Over and over, and over again. Cultivate your relationship with your mate. And that is just... Think about gardening or farming. And they talk about cultivating the soil.

25:06 It's a process. It's something that is done with intention. It's something that is done to make the soil healthy so that the seed can grow. So we have to cultivate. It means that we're going to work. We have to have that marital work ethic. W.E., Don, the marital work ethic. It is. Marital work ethic. It is work. It's a persistent effort. It's a persistent thing. On the part of two people to create for each other those conditions whereby each of them might better fulfill God's intended purpose to be better than they could have ever been alone. And you have three words. Oh, I do. Are you ready? This is going to help cultivate. This is really easy. So you might want to take a note. but put it in your long-term memory. That's even better. Listen, God has created us to be bonded to the sources of our pleasure. He wants us to take delight in him.

26:00 God wants us to take delight in our spouse. And these are the three things that I have found that I would say become the divorce proof. Listen, I've only been doing this for 44 years and 54,000 hours of clinical work, but I have never seen not one, not one, not one single time, ever, ever, never, ever, never. not one time a case of divorce if, I, F, if these three things are in place. You ready? This is going to save you a lot of marital counseling money, so write it down. Here it goes. If you will pray together, become vulnerable together and bond your marriage to the dependency upon Jesus Christ. He is our rock. He is our foundation. Pray together. It doesn't have to be all that complicated. Just hold each other and say, Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy and bless my spouse today and help her have a wonderful day. Amen. Listen, even if you're angry at each other, do this. Pray together. Then lay together the biblical term, healthy, active, interesting sex together. Let me just say that one more time. Lay together. Lay together, lay together, lay together, lay together, lay together, lay together, and it'll help you to pray together, and you pray together, and lay together, lay together, lay together, and then also play together.

27:28 Have fun. Look at each other. Laugh at each other. Smile at each other. Laugh at each other's jokes, even if you've heard it three or four times. In other words, I've got this one couple that I worked with, and she decided to put this into practice, and she decided that every time her husband comes into the room. He walks into the room and the first thing she does is she goes and he goes like that. And that's their little ritual that they do. And they laugh at each other. I mean, you could do that today and have so much fun. Lisa, you need to start doing that. You could do this with Ed. Ed walks into the room, you go, And Ed's going to go. We kind of took another approach. We decided that we needed to act for each other. Like when Ed would come home or I would come home as our dogs do to us. Like they are so excited to see us.

28:25 They jump up and down. They rub up against us. So we decided that we needed to have the very same energy as our dogs when he gets home in the afternoon. So I'm like, hey, you're home. Hey, before you check the mail and before you kiss the kids, before you do, listen, grab each other and hug each other and give each other a kiss before you leave and apart from each other. Even if you're upset at each other, make sure that this is called a ritual. You say, oh, we're evangelical Christians. We don't do rituals. Yes, you do. You do rituals all the time. You take a bath every day or a shower. You use deodorant every day. That's a ritual. You hold and love your spouse and you look them in the eye and you say, I just want you to know, I do love you. And I'll tell you why I do that. Because all too often I've seen a couple that are angry, they slam the door, they spin out of the driveway and something happens.

29:24 And that's the last lingering memory that they have. Always have those entry and exit rituals. I love that one. Or you can clap for your spouse and he'll go like that. Another thing too, you're talking about play and laughter. Ed and I enjoy laughter Now he is way more funny than I am He's funnier than I am But I can be funny But we laugh with each other Female humor is different than male humor a lot Way different It's different But you're funny honey I gotta think about that for a second No you are funny But we laugh But I'll tell you a dangerous place to be Is if you can't laugh at yourself laughing yes self-esteem self-esteem someone who cannot laugh at himself usually has very some deep hurt insecure be able to laugh at yourself there are things about myself that are very laughable and I tend to be sensitive but I have learned you know what just laugh with it it's Ed doesn't make fun of me.

30:31 He doesn't say things that he are digs to me, and especially in front of other people. Oh, no. Oh, I... Now, you could, but that would not be a good one. Yeah, that's not... That's on the road to Stupidville. That's the road to Stupidville. That's on the road to Stupidville. That's the off-ramp to Stupidville. The best gift, and Ed mentioned this this weekend, that he can do a message here at Fellowship Church and preach a message, and a lot of people can say, oh, Ed, that was a great message, Pastor. That was wonderful. but if I say it, it has so much more weight. When you speak positively about your spouse to other people, it puts wind in their sails. Yes. Go ahead, we've got time. Somebody compliment somebody. And in the same way, if you speak harsh words about your spouse or take digs at them, that is so, so difficult to absorb.

31:26 And we're one flesh as a couple. We're married. We become one. Two become one. So really and truly, if you're taking a dig at your spouse, you're really digging at yourself. Don, you know what? I can tell the marital temperature of couples. This is just me. When one is telling a story, and I watch how the other one looks at the one telling the story. And I've seen the other one do this. Roll their eyes or look away, not pay attention. Or walk away. Oh no, it wasn't a 10 pound bass. It was a 7.3. Okay. Point is it was a big bass. You know what I'm saying to you? Don't correct. And it's like, or they'll look away. So we need to eyeball each other. Yes, that's what I was trying to say. Your emotions are primarily, believe it or not, your emotions are primarily expressed through your eyes. When you gaze upon, look upon, That's why you are to look at each other, but look at each other in your eyes.

32:28 That might be a little uncomfortable because maybe you haven't done it for a long time, but oftentimes what'll happen is that when you look at each other in the eyes, sometimes it's gonna go way past that cognitive part of you. It'll tap into that emotional part, and sometimes those tears will come out when you say, you know what? I just want you to know I love you. Marcy, I love you. We've been married in April 55 years. 55. 55. Is that possible? And I want you to know I love you very, very much. And your marriage can just heal so much of past wounds. And someone that's in the throes of this thing called adultery, that's been the topic. We're talking about building some safeguards and guardrails at the top of the hill. And I'm thankful that we have a church and we have counselors that can be with us at the bottom of the hill when the crash is there.

33:21 Thank God for that. But listen, beloved, build these fences at the top of the hill. Pray together, lay together, play together, stay together, look at each other, share experiences, laugh with each other, have fun together, and continue to nurture the intimacy. Jesus, when he writes to his bride in Revelation, he says, there was a time you were really hot for me. You were hot, and now you become kind of lukewarm. Listen, get the fire going back in your marriage. Right. And you know, Don, when it comes to marriage, marriage, as you've said and as I've said and as Lisa have said, and of course the Bible says, marriage is the only relationship that symbolizes and mirrors God's relationship with his people. So maybe you find yourself out here today or at one of our different locations, and you've never crossed the line of faith and invited Christ into your life. All of this stuff we're talking about is fine in Danny, but without the gospel, you're trying harder.

34:25 Can I just say one thing? This came to me while we were singing that song about the middle and the cross. On the cross, there was the thief. Think about the adulterer. Think about possibly you on that. You look at the cross, and you see Jesus Christ. He says, you know what? I do love you. I love you. And that's what you're saying. That's right. The gospel is open to you. It is. It's open to every single person. And if we realized how much we're loved by God, we would blow a fuse. So I want to pray right now for all the marriages, number one. And then number two, I want to give you an opportunity, those of you who maybe never made this decision, to make the decision to respond to the love, this outrageous and contagious love from Jesus Christ himself. Okay?

35:16 Let's pray. Father, I pray for every marriage here. You know the situation. You know the conversations, God. And I just ask, Lord, for breakthroughs. I ask for faith and repentance in marriages. I ask for just life change that only comes from you. And may we walk, God, in the power of your gospel, in the power of forgiveness. and may we be as wise as serpents and harmless as doves when it comes to marriage from building those boundaries at the top of the hill. If you're here right now and you've never ever asked Jesus Christ to take control of your life, just simply say these words after me. Just say these words to God. Just say, God, I admit to you that I am a sinner, that I've messed up, that I have a lot of turnovers and that's just me.

36:11 I admit that. but Lord, I turn from that and I turn to you. I believe, God, you sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross for my sins and to rise again, to live perfectly, to die sacrificially, to rise bodily, and right now, just say it right now, I ask you to come into my life. I give you my all, my everything, and let me tell you something. You might be going, well, man, you don't know what I'm into. You don't know what I've done. Hey, God does, and he still is madly in love with you, and he wants to meet you right where you are. So just invite him into your life and you'll become born again. You'll become a new creature in Christ. The Holy Spirit will be inside your life who will give you the power from the inside out to live the life as a husband, as a wife, or a single adult that the Lord Jesus wants. We ask all these things in Christ's name. Thank you, Lord.

37:04 Amen. Amen. Let's thank Dr. Don Litchie. Come on, Don. Let's stand to our feet again. Thank you.